I'm a very lucky girl...

To have so much love and support. I just want to thank you all for taking time to read about this and to leave me comments. You will never realize how much it means to me that you guys care. When I read your posts, it makes me feel like I can do anything, with you guys by my side, I really think I can.

And Jerry, yes, it's worth a lot to me that you are thinking of me. I like cookies! :)

I got an appointment with Dana Farber, and that's set for June 8th. They recommended that I continue with the plan of starting chemo, they will re-evaluate everything when I get there. If they concur with the course of treatment, I will continue it. If they don't like it, they will have me complete that "round" and then start with their recommendations.

I am also looking into a place called the Cancer Treatment Centers of America. It was recommended by my sister. It's in Pennsylvania and they pay for our (Thom and I) flights to and from the facility, as well as pay for any flights for treatments.

I'm going to fight this with every ounce of strength I have, and will look into any possibility. I didn't get a "warm and fuzzy feeling" from the UMass oncologist I just talked to yesterday. I guess I want someone who "thinks outside the box" and will do whatever it takes to get me better. I want someone who has the same urgency as I do, someone who will fight as hard, or harder for me and with me! Dammit, I have a lot of living to do, I have lots of people to annoy!!! ;)

But thank you for all the cards, the emails, the comments, the hugs, the ears (not physically, but lending an ear when I just need to vent), the ice cream (Thanks Sue!). I said it before, I'll say it again.

You guys are truly a blessing. Please don't stop!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, which, by the way, I saw today on the echocardiogram.

With much love and gratitude.
E

Appointment

Had my appointment with the Oncologist.

Here's the Deal-e-o:

The type of tumor is an Estrogen and Progesterone Receptor +

The CT Scan revealed "Multiple, too numerous to count, bilateral pulmonary nodules measuring between 1-15 mm"...In layman's terms, they found a lot of nodules in my lungs.

I am scheduled to have an echocardiogram to make sure my heart is healthy for the chemo. I am also scheduled to have a PET scan to try to determine what those lung nodules are.

Chemo should begin Monday or Tuesday of next week. I am going to be put on Adriomycin (sp?) and Cytocin (sp?), along with Taxol and Newlasta (sp?) to increase my white blood cell count. The Adriomycin is the most potent, so it will cause hair loss (rather quickly) and decreased blood count. There is also a rare chance of heart valve damage in non-healthy hearts, hence the echocardiogram.

The PET (Positron Emission Tomography) is a special scan that allows the doctors to see where cancer cells are in my body. The theory is that cancer cells turn sugar around more quickly than regular cells, so they inject a radioactive dye that attaches to these sugars and when under the PET scan, the cancer cells kind of light up like a christmas tree.

We need to determine what these lung nodules are. Now the really bad news. If the lung nodules are found to be cancerous, it means that the cancer has metasticized and there is no cure. NO CURE. These nodules will determine whether this cancer is a Stage II or a Stage IV. All or nothing, man, there is no in between.

I can't even finish typing this. I'll write more when I can. Sorry.

Email Address

I forgot to give you guys my email address. The spam filter at work blocks just about everything but spam, so it's almost futile emailing me at work, so I will give you my home email:

emily.lebrun@gmail.com

I check my email on a regular basis, so I will get back to you.

I have my meeting with the medical oncologist today. To say that I'm scared is an understatement. I will write more when I know more.

Off to work I go, for a half a day at least!

E

My amazing wife

In case you didn't already know, Emily is an amazing women. This is a terribly scary thing to go through and she carries herself with grace and dignity......OK so maybe we can replace grace with humor and dignity with openness, :-) sorry Hun. I hope she knows how much her strength has made me able to handle all this.

Ok im done for now

Infection

The biopsy site on my right breast got infected today. Of course today, because it's a holiday, and doctor's are not in the office today. Soooo, off to the emergency room I went. Tra la la. The site was red, hot, and swollen. The doctor made an incision to drain it and put in a "wick" to allow it to continue to drain. Fun fun fun!!

I am on antibiotics and pain meds because the wick they put in prevents the incision from closing up.

I have joined NetFlix, so if any of you have any recommendations for any movies, I would love to hear from you. I will not watch any sad movies, so if it's sad, don't even mention it to me. Sappy movies are a thumb's down also.

We went to see my friend Jenn's baby today, 35 hours of labor. Oh my! Baby is very cute!!

Gotta go take my pills and go sleepies!

'Nite!

E

Second Opinion

I decided to go get a Second Opinion at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston. It can't hurt, and if anyone is at the cutting-edge, it's Dana-Farber. They can't make me an appointment until I get the pathology results from my biopsies because they don't know who they need to set me up to see without the results. I will have those results on Wednesday. I was busy getting all my records, films, reports etc. together so that when we go to Dana-Farber, I'll have my whole history with me. My portfolio of sorts.

This blog is getting more popular than I ever thought it would. People are passing it on to other people who are passing it on to other people etc. Hmm, maybe I'll make the evening news. :)

My spirits are up today, for which I am thankful. Man, it sucks being down, I don't like it. I decided that I will only surround myself with positive people. I don't have room in my life or the time for downers. You either make me laugh, or hit the road! ;) I love to laugh, so for all you comedians out there...BRING IT!

This may border on TMI, but hey, it's my blog, and I'll divulge if I want to! I bought new antiperspirant. I did some reading on the aluminum in regular deodorant and what it basically stated was that the aluminum blocked the pores and prevented anything from being released, so the "toxins" have to go somewhere, and to the lymph nodes it goes. So I bought a "crystal stone" and what it is is just a mineral rock. Not sure how it's going to work, so if you smell something...

Also, Tom's of Maine has aluminum-free antiperspirant.

Another B-E-A-Utiful day! I love the hot weather! Summer is almost here!

Well, my loyal readers, I will talk with you later! Have a wonderful and safe long weekend!!

Love,

E

Random thoughts before bed

The earliest appointment they could get me in to see the oncologist is on Wednesday, May 30th. I tried so hard not to get mad at the nurse, it's not her fault.

Called my parents tonight to tell them...they don't get on the computer much, so they don't know this blog exists. That was the toughest conversation I had to make. Now you have to understand that my father is a typical Italian male, no emotion, strong, strict disciplinarian, figure-head. I had him reduced to tears and despair. He cried. I think in my 35 years, I've seen him cry only once before. And for the first time, he told me he loved me. It was always understood, but never spoken. I nearly fell off my chair.

And I had this thought:
Sometimes, I don't want to tell anyone about this because I'm afraid that they will look at me and think to themselves, "Oh my God, I'm so glad that I'm not HER." I don't want to be the person that people DON'T want to be.

I want to leave on a positive note. Today was a B-E-A-Utiful day. Ate lunch on the back deck, went out for ice-cream. It was nice.

Until next time, goodnight.

E

A Girl Just Can't Catch a Break

I got my biopsy results last night, and I heard the 2 worst words I could've heard:

Invasive

Aggressive

Surgery has been cancelled. I'm waiting on a phone call from the oncologist, the one who will be administering the chemotherapy.

It's weird how so many things come rushing into your head in a matter of seconds. I've never felt such pure terror in my life - Ever.

My first thought: I don't want to die.
My second thought: What about Thom? I don't want to leave him.
My third thought: FUCK

Just put that on automatic replay and you get the idea.

Thom said that we can fight this, that I can do this. I'm not feeling too strong right now.

I thought I had a grip on this, I was doing so well. I was at peace with the knowledge that I was going to lose both my breasts, as long as the cancer didn't spread elsewhere in my body. Now this. My worst nightmare realized.

God is a Sadist.

Been through a plethora of emotions:

Terror
Sadness
Anger
Acceptance (to some degree, or maybe the word is submission?)
Back to Terror

I'm not going to work today, I won't be able to keep up an appearance. I would love the support of Anna and Libby right now, but unfortunately, they are not the only ones at work.

Thom is home with me also. I love him so much.

Seems like this Blog is going to be somewhat therapeutic for me.

I will keep you posted. Thanks for reading.

E

I am the Pin Cushion

Had more tests done today.

They did a mammogram on my right breast because "something" showed up on the MRI. They did a magnification mammo, which was worse because the platform was smaller and they pressed down harder. Less surface area! Ouchie!

Next was an ultrasound of my left lymph nodes because one of my doctors felt a lymph node and wanted more information on it. They did a Fine Needle Aspiration (FNA) and that will tell us if there are any tumor cells in the lymph node. Another Core Biopsy was done of the lump on the left breast. They took 6 core samples. Then they did yet another Core Biopsy of my right breast in which they took 7 core samples.

The worst part of that was the lanocaine (sp?) they injected to numb up the areas.

Needless to say I felt like a pin cushion, and I was a bit battered and bruised. I should get the results on Thursday. Keep your fingers crossed that the lymph nodes come out clean.

What Cancer Cannot Do

I found this poem and thought it was pretty powerful:

What Cancer Cannot Do

"Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple Love.
It cannot shatter Hope.
It cannot corrode Faith.
It cannot destroy Peace.
It cannot kill Friendship.
It cannot suppress Memories.
It cannot silence Courage.
It cannot invade the Soul.
It cannot steal eternal Life.
It cannot conquer the Spirit."

Surgery Date Set

Surgery is slated for May 29, 2007. I don't have a time yet, they won't tell me until a day before. It's the waiting that's the worst part of this whole ordeal.

I got my Pre-Op instructions, and one stood out: Do not eat or drink after midnight the night prior to surgery. Why? Will I turn into a Gremlin?! If so, I want to be the Gremlin with the mohawk, he was bad-ass!