Happy New Year!

This is my 50th post!

Just wanted to wish you all a very happy, safe and healthy 2008! I know I can't wait to say goodbye to 2007. I hope that this coming year will be filled with better things!

E

Merry Christmas!

I just wanted to wish you all a happy, healthy and safe Holiday Season.

I'm going to my parent's today.

Santa was good to me this year! I got the new Voyager phone (Verizon's version of the iPhone). It's so cool!

*blink*

Superpowers

If I had one superpower, it would be teleportation. I could just blink myself anywhere anytime, no driving, no traffic, no stupid people on the road, just *blink* and I'm there. Fiji, Paris, Ireland, *blink*.

Or if there is somewhere I don't want to be, *blink*, and I'm not there anymore! That would be wicked awesome!

Like right now, I don't want to be at work.

Thought I would just check in and say Allo. Been feeling achy for the past few days, not sure if I'm coming down with something, or what.

Some of the lab technicians are having a pot luck lunch, and one of the ladies made peroghis. I begged her for one. There is no shame in begging when it comes to food! :) Love em, so good.

Well, I should go at least pretend to do some work. Talk later.

*blink*

Who me? Sarcastic?

I had a doctor's appointment on Friday, December 7th at Dana-Farber. Funny thing, no scans were scheduled. I thought it was weird, thought about calling them to suggest they schedule a scan while I'm there, but didn't, for reasons unknown to me.

So we had to wait over an hour to see him because he was running late. When we finally get in to see him, all he does is look at me and tells me I look fine. Gee, thanks, Doc. THEN he suggests that we get another CT Scan of my lungs to check to see how the nodules are doing. COULDN'T YOU HAVE SCHEDULED THE CT SCAN ON THE SAME DAY?! Dammit, I should've called.

Now I have to go back in January to get this done. Then I have to go back in March for another follow-up. He likes to see me every 3 months. I told a friend that I wasn't having a scan done for this appointment and she asked me, "Well, what are you going to do at the doctor's office then?" I said that he's just going to look at me, tell me I look fine (which I'm not complaining about) and tell me to go home.
Which is what happened.

If you are all looking for an update, there isn't one. Not until January at least. But hey, I look fine! Grrr.

Krazy

Thom spoke some very true words to me this morning: Only you.

You will understand in a minute.

So here I am this morning, trying to Krazy Glue my headband back together. (Do you see where I'm going with this????) The damn hole was clogged so I'm using a pin to puncture it. Thought I unclogged it. I'm trying to force the glue out of the hole. Unbeknownst to me, the glue was coming out...just at the wrong end. All of I sudden I tried to move my fingers and found that 4 out of the 5 fingers on my right hand were all stuck together, including the Krazy Glue bottle. I calmly walk upstairs to the bathroom and Thom sees me.

"How's the gluing going?"

I show him my hand. He looks puzzled.

I shake my hand and the bottle doesn't go anywhere. He starts laughing at me.

Hence the comment, "Only you...this would only happen to you."

So I didn't have fingerprints for most of the day. And I still have the odor of acetone in my nostrils...

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I just wanted to wish everyone a very happy and safe Thanksgiving!

I'm in the kitchen cooking, with my laptop! Gotta love portable computers!

I'm having my parents, my sister, my sister and brother-in law and my nephew over for Thanksgiving dinner. You know what the best thing about hosting Thanksgiving is? One word: LEFTOVERS! :)

Is she going to get mushy? Yeah, I am. I have a lot to be thankful for this year. You, my friends, are among them.

God bless you.

E

2nd dose of Zometa

Yesterday I got my second infusion of Zometa. This time they gave me a dose of some steroid, dexamethosone or something like that. That was to keep the fever at bay. So far, it's working great! No fever, or achiness, so that's super! My next infusion is scheduled for December 14th. The only side-effect from the steroid was that I had trouble sleeping. It gave me a boost of energy that lasted all day and night! It was perfect timing because I got to go out with some friends I haven't seen in more than a year and I got to stay out later than usual because I wasn't tired. That was cool! Want to say hi to Shannon, Brenda, Matt, Heather M. and S., and Crystal! There were others, but they don't read this. It was so wonderful to see you guys!! I had a great time! We NEED to do that again soon!

Colleen, it was so nice to see you! Glad you came to the soccer game and I hope to see you at more!! Can't tell you how happy I am that you are finally in a good place in your life! You go girl!

I got a comment from a friend that I haven't talked to in, man, over 6 years or something crazy like that! Becky!! I was so surprised and excited to hear from you! I will have to think about what I would like from Germany. I do collect nutcrackers...and chocolate is always a winner!

Speaking of nutcrackers, I got this catalog in the mail and on the cover was a hand-held nutcracker of Hilary Clinton!!! Oh my goodness, I laughed my ass off on that one! You put the nuts right between her legs!! How perfect is that!? Sorry to all the Democrats out there, but...not so much! Heehee

Sorry I have been quiet lately, but I was thinking, I don't mind being the boring person with cancer! LOL No news is most often good news!

I cannot complain. I'm feeling good, just tired a lot. I'm thinking of this cancer now as a chronic illness instead of terminal. I think that makes a HUGE difference in my state of mind. Not to mention having such wonderful friends like YOU! All this helps.

I want to wish you all a very happy and safe Thanksgiving! Eat lots, enjoy your family and friends and remember what you are thankful for. I know I will.

Much love you all of you!

Side Effects

Interesting, almost exactly 12 hours to the minute after receiving the infusion did I feel the side effects. Laying on the couch, I started to feel achy in my hand joints and knee. Soon after, the fever started. 100.4, 100.6, now it's 102. Can't sleep. Most likely caused by the fever, made worse by the damn "Drip Drip Drip" that was happening. The ceiling was leaking because of the rain.

I lean over. "Thom? Thom?"
"Huh? What?!"
I was silent for a few seconds and then he heard it. "Drip Drip Drip"
"!@#$%&"
He gets up and puts a trash bucket under the drip.
He climbs back into bed.
"DRIP DRIP DRIP"
"!@#$%^& @#^T^@&"
He throws back the covers and walks to his dresser. I hear some shuffling and then he places a pair of socks at the bottom of the bucket.
Aaahh "drip dri dr" He's so resourceful.

Now I'm awake. Even my eyeballs hurt!

Funny how this triggered some memories of having fevers when I was a kid. The drug of choice was St. Joseph's children aspirin. Still sold today, I might add! (Ding! Shameless plug for St. Joe's aspirin! Where's my check?! LOL)

When I had fevers, my mom would dissolve 2 tablets in a tablespoon of water and waited until they started to dissolve. I still remember the texture and even the taste. It was comforting.

Other tricks she had in her arsenal (from bad to worse): stripping me naked so my teeth would chatter so hard I swear they were going to break in my head. Wet towels on my naked body (No comments about the naked part - I was just a kid - you PERVS! LOL), teeth chattering so hard now it shook my very brain. And the WORST: an ice bath. OH MY GOD! That should be listed as one of the top 50 worst tortue devices ever devised. Next to Chinese water torture DRIP DRIP DRIP!!! I say devised because it's evil! So evil, it's EEE-VEEL! Whole body went into convulsive spasms. Brrrrr. And my poor mom had to endure the screams, the crying and the pleading. The poor thing. Mothers are the strongest people I know.

I'm laughing out loud as I'm typing this. Memories, in the corner of my mind...
Memories are funny things.

Anyways, the achiness and fever are expected side effects, so this is just par for the course. This medicine will make me better, faster, stronger. They have the technology...

Heehee, another memory: The Six Million Dollar Man. Great show! Cheesy effects, but brilliant none-the-less. And six million dollars was a lot of money back then. Come to think of it, it's still a lot of money now!

Finally...A bit of good news!

I got a phone call from Dr. Silver from Dana-Farber. He finally got a chance to compare my films and I got some good news. He said that the nodules in my lungs have remained unchanged, they didn't get any bigger, nor were there more of them! That's great news because it means that the medicine is keeping things under control! He was very happy with those results, as am I. I finally have some definitive news about how I'm doing. If we can keep the status quo, that's more than fine with me!

We're going to continue with the treatment as we have been, no need to change anything. Let me tell you, I slept like a rock last night.

Keep the thoughts and prayers coming!

Zometa

Met with the doctor here in Worcester about the Zometa (Zo-may-tah). I have my first intravenous infusion appointment this Friday, the 19th, at 9am. The infusion lasts about 30 minutes. Side effects include fever and/or bone pain, or generalized achiness.

This drug is manufactured by Novartis and I got a patient starter kit. Included in this kit was lots of reading material, a water bottle, hand sanitizer with a clip I can put on my purse, and a cool bone-shaped pen! I like funky pens, so I was walking around the lab here today wearing my bone pen, telling corny jokes like, "I got a bone to pick with you" or "No bones about it, you're swell!" People just shake their heads at me. I crack myself up though. :)

I'm feeling fine, except for the kidney stone pain.

Sarah reached her goal!!! Thanks to all of you for donating!!

Kidney Stones

I was in the emergency room on Wednesday for back pain which turned out to be kidney stones. They are non-obstructive and not big enough to zap, so they just sent me home with pain meds. Thanks. I made the mistake of going to the hospital across the street from me at work. It's a trauma/life flight center, so Thom and I were in the ER for about 7 hours. There were 2 traumas while I was there. They were so full, I got a lovely spot in the hallway, right next to the nurses' station.

Needless to say, my back is killing me. Been drinking so much water and pissing like a racehorse. Interesting cliche. I've always wondered where this saying came from, so I googled it. Horses, it turns out, don't always feel comfortable urinating just anywhere. Show horses and racehorses spend a great deal of time in their pens and come to feel safe and secure there. They don't like to urinate outside of those pens and in many cases won't.

In fact, show and racehorses are frequently returned to their pens to allow them to urinate. Hence racehorses are often walking around outside of their pens with an urgent need to urinate. (Source: www.joe-ks.com/phrases/phrasesP.htm)

Sounds like me. I hate public restrooms and will not "go" unless it's an emergency! More than you need to know about me, but hey, we're all friends here! ;)

Talked to the doctor at Dana-Farber. He's out of the office until Wednesday and he told me that he will doing a side-by-side comparison of my films then. Hey! It's only been a month! What's the rush?! Pissing me off! <---Hmm, seems that we're back on that subject again! Do I hear water running??? LOL

I told my new boss about the cancer today. I've been putting it off because he just started like 3 weeks ago and that's all he needs! He was very understanding and compassionate and told me that if I need anything, to let him know. That's a relief. The last thing I need is problems with my boss over this. He told me that I should NEVER stop fighting and always keep a positive attitude. Boy am I trying.

Oh, before I forget, big thanks to Ann Falco for donating to my friend Sarah's cause! She's SO close to her goal!! I will write about her hike in another post. She did so well, I'm so proud of her!! Way to go Sarah!

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I'm sure you all know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I don't know about you, but almost everywhere I go, I see pink. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, this is GOOD! It makes people aware, makes them think, and it gives people different ways to help. But on the other hand, it makes me aware and makes me think. There's not a minute of my day where I am not thinking about this disease and that I have it. I don't want to go to the grocery store and have it shoved in my face. This is going to be a tough month for me from now on.

I do appreciate it though. More strides have been made in breast cancer research in the last 20 years than has occurred overall in the past 200 years! That's amazing to me.

I will be wearing my pink ribbon pin all month. And I may just buy a pink can of corn!

Infusion Appointment

Finally got my first appointment to get my bone-strengthening infusion: October 17th at 2:15pm at the Worcester Medical Center. Yeah!! Now I don't have to go into Boston once a month!

Two posts in one day, wow!

What are people dressing up as for Halloween? I'm going as Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas. She's basically a rag doll. We all dress up here at work and there's contests, it's fun.

That's it for now.

What?!

Spent most of my morning calling people. I called Dr. Silver's nurse (Dana-Farber) and she told me that somehow, some of my chest CT is missing and they don't have enough to compare. Just by looking at my most current CT, there are a couple of nodules in my chest that are slightly bigger than they would like. BUT, they don't have the previous films, so they can't say if they got bigger, or stayed the same size, or even got smaller.

Then I called UMass to try to get another copy of my original CT sent to Dana-Farber AGAIN! UMass couldn't even find me in the system! I said What?! How can that be??? After some investigating, it was discovered that I was listed as "WebberLebrun". Oh my God! Where did Webber come from?!?! Anyways, I had to fax them a release form and now a CD with my CT results are on their way to Dana-Farber. Then I may get a result. This has been going on for 3 weeks now.

The nurse is going to set up my Zometa infusion, finally. I told her that I was very disappointed in Dana-Farber because they are supposed to be one of the best hospitals around and that I have had to wait this long for anything to happen. I said it's unacceptable. She apologized profusely and told me how bad she felt. I know I feel better after getting that off my chest.

I don't know if you remember about a month or so ago, I was complaining about shoulder pain that lasted for quite a while. Well, I learned this morning from the nurse that I have a rib fracture. OK, WHAT?! How in the name of all that's good did I get a rib fracture?? She said that it was high up on my ribs and it looks post-traumatic. I guess that means that it's not a brand new fracture, but it happened within the last 6 months or so. And here I was thinking I was sleeping on my arm wrong or something. I can't recall anything I've done that could've resulted in a rib fracture. That's just weird. Maybe I should come up with some totally crazy story! I know! I was throwing the old football around with Mike Vrabel from the Patriots and I tackled him and broke my rib. Yeah, that's a much better sounding story than "I don't have a clue as to how I fractured my rib."

Thank you to my friends Jenn, Michele and Adrian for donating to Sarah's fundraising! She and I both appreciate it very much! You guys are so awesome!

Still No Films

Dana Farber still can't find my old films. I called all the originating hospitals, and they don't have them, so they weren't returned like we originally thought. How frustrating.

What a gorgeous day today! We won't be having many more of these kind of days left this year. Enjoy!

My cubicle is decorated for Halloween! One of my favorite holidays to decorate. So many people at work get a lot of enjoyment seeing my decorations, and that makes me happy.

My new boss started this week. He's been here 3 days in a row, which is more than his predecessor was in any given week! He has a sense of humor, which is imperative if he's going to survive being around me! I welcomed him by putting up a couple of tombstones near his office door!! He was pondering what the meaning of that was...

I would like to ask you all again (for those who haven't donated already), please support my friend Sarah in reaching her fund-raising goal. She is only about $1,000 short and I would hate for her not to make her goal. So please, if you have the means, please give her something. No amount is too little. Here is her website again: http://www.active.com/donate/hfdma/hfdSMcLaug
Thank you for your support!! She is a little less than 2 weeks away from her hike!

GO SARAH!!!! You can do it! We are all behind you!! You are the Cheezburger!

Ahh, Dana-Farber

I had my slew of appointments at Dana-Farber yesterday. It was a very long day. My first test was at 1:20. Didn't get out until 5ish. There's some good news and some bad news. First the bad news. ALL my films that they previously had, they don't have anymore. Apparently, they were transferred to the Brigham and Women's Hospital (next door) when I had my bone biopsy, and in their infinite wisdom, noticed that the films were not theirs and sent them back to the originating hospitals (UMass, Marlboro, St. Vincent's etc.). So my doctor had no means to compare the tests I had yesterday with the ones done previously. To say that I am PISSED off is an understatement. These films have been the bane of this whole ordeal. There was always a problem with the films. Bah.

Yesterday, they took CT Scans of my chest, they did an ultrasound of my breast and more mammograms, so at least now they have these films at their institution. Come to find out that legally, films belong to the institution that created them. Legalities. Bullshit. They should be mine. But whatever.

Now the good news. The doctor measured the tumor in my left breast and found that it got smaller. He's very optimistic that because of that, and because I have been feeling fine, that the tamoxifen is doing it's job. I am guarded, just because he didn't have the films in front of him to compare. I'm happy, but I'm guarded. Waiting for those #@!$% films to get back into his hands so I know for definate.

He now wants to put me on a bone strengthening drug called Zometa (a bisphosphonate). Because the tumor metastasized into my bone, this medication will keep my bones strong and prevent the cancer from further spreading in my bones, and may even shrink the tumors that are currently in my bone (only 2 spots in my hips). It's not calcium, but phosphate. He didn't put me on it right away because he didn't want to overwhelm me with too much information. And because it was only a couple of spots, he knew he could wait.

I got this from a medical website:

Enter the bisphosphonates, a relatively new class of drugs developed to prevent the breakdown of bone cells in osteoporosis. In just the past few years, cancer researchers have found that treatment with bisphosphonates will also prevent the destruction of bone by cancer metastases and even cause those metastatic tumors to shrink.

The latest finding is that bisphosphonates may stop bone metastases from developing at all.
At the 22nd Annual San Antonio Breast Cancer Symposium, in San Antonio, TX, Ingo Diel, MD, Assistant Professor of Medicine, University of Heidelberg, Germany, summarized the evidence in favor of giving bisphosphonates to women with breast cancer who have a high risk of advancing cancer.

He explained that bisphosphonates interrupt the "vicious cycle" of bone metastases, which begins when tumor cells settle into bone and stimulate the release of factors which cause the breakdown of bone tissue. In turn, destruction of bone cells releases factors which stimulate the production of more tumor cells.

It's an IV injection that I have to have once a month. We're trying to find someplace in Worcester that can give me this injection, so that I won't have to go Boston all the time. This is great, see what cancer research does?! This drug that is normally used to prevent osteoporosis has been found to help cancer patients too! Amazing.

I have another appointment with Dr. Silver in 3 months, so I will see him again in December.

Keep doing what you've been doing, something is working! Keep praying, keep sending good thoughts, there's power in numbers! Something is definately working!

Went to my parent's after the appointment and my mom had a awesome home cooked meal for me. Thanks mom! I love you!

Today is Thom's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY THOM! We're now the same age! Ha ha!

Thank you for the calls and emails letting me know that you're thinking of me.

Labor Day

I hope you all had a nice Labor Day weekend!

Thom, our friend Kevin and I went out on our boat yesterday and tooled around the lake near our house. I had a wonderful time. I love being out on the water, it's so relaxing. We saw many Great Blue Herons, they are amazing birds. They have to be the most graceful LARGE birds I've ever seen. When they fly, they look like Pterodactyls! The weather was gorgeous! Thom got a sunburn, but I didn't. Have to thank my parents for my Italian heritage and the ability to not burn!

I've been seeing a therapist for about 4 weeks now. I figured that I need someone to talk to that is a neutral party. It's nice to just vent and cry and not feel guilty doing so. Sometimes I just don't want to cry around anyone because I'm afraid that I'll bring the other person down. But this is good for the soul. I don't have to be upbeat around her if I don't feel like it. I can just BE and it's all good. I really like her, she almost seems to know me and alot of the things she says I think to myself, "Yeah, that's ME!" My mind has been quieter since I started seeing her. Calm mind=calm soul=happier Emily!

I'm starting to work on my panic attacks. I bought Lucinda Basset's Attacking Panic & Anxiety program and I'm on session 2. You've probably heard her commercials on the radio or TV and I figured what the hell?! So far, so good. I'm not ready to drive yet, but I swear, listening to those CDs, I feel like they are talking about me. I just never realized how many other people out there suffer from this just like me. They are just like me. It gives me hope that I can overcome this once and for all. When it comes to panic, I am my own worst enemy. I make the panic, I make it as bad as it is. I FEED it. Time to starve the panic like my medicine is starving the cancer. Things cannot grow if they have no fuel. Simple concept. Lofty goal.

I'm feeling good, no complaints. I see the doctor in 10 days. Keep those prayers and positive thoughts coming my way.

You guys are the best! Thank you for the continuous comments and support. You'll never know how much it means to me.

Much love,
E

Change

Don't like it. Never did, never will. Unfortunately, it's a fact of life and I can't do much to stop it. The change I'm complaining about is my friend Libby has moved to Maryland. Over the past year, I've gotten pretty close to Libby and discovered that we are kindred spirits. I've had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I won't be seeing her everyday at work, and outside of work. Maryland is not THAT far, but it's not as close as she was.

I guess I'm just selfish. I know that this is something she had to do. Better job, better money, better everything. But I want my Libby, dammit! :)

I'm telling myself that she's on vacation! A very LONG vacation!

And before I forget, thank you, Libby, for donating to my friend Sarah's fundraising effort!! I love you!

Anyways, other than being sad over losing my friend, I'm doing fine.

Checking In

It's been brought to my attention that I've been rather quiet lately. I take it as "No news is good news", but others do not! So I'm just checking in and letting you guys know what hasn't been happening!

I've been trying to enjoy my summer, haven't been doing much, which is fine with me. I'm just enjoying the laid back time, no doctor appointments, just day-to-day stuff. I've been hanging out with friends, going to plays, movies, dinners etc. It's been peaceful and relaxing. I'm sure I'll have a lot more to write about next month when I go back to the doctors for tests. I guess you guys better enjoy the silence while it lasts! :) But I know you guys are concerned, which I appreciate!

Funny story: On the way to work one morning, I was trying to convince Thom that I am a mean person. He's patronizing me, telling me I am not mean. Well, we were eating some strudel pasteries (raspberry and apple) and I noticed that there was only one apple left. I thought to myself that this would be the perfect opportunity to show Thom that I was mean. So I grabbed the last apple strudel. I held it out, all proud of myself and gloated to Thom "Ha ha, I took the last apple strudel, see, I am mean." Without missing a beat, Thom just GRABS the strudel OUT of my hands and puts it in his mouth!!! I guess the look of shock and disbelief on my face was hysterical. Thom says, "No, now THAT was mean!" We both had a very good laugh about that. It was pretty funny!

Hey, I got bones to pick with you guys too! I've been quiet, but so haven't you! The comments are drying up, I'm beginning to feel like you guys don't care anymore! ;) I love hearing from you, I guess as much as you guys like hearing from me. So I'll keep the entries coming as long as you guys keep the comments coming! Ok, deal!

Holy Cow

On the way to work on Tuesday, Thom and I see this rather LARGE animal crossing the road ahead of us. Both of us are like, "WTF?!" Thom slows down and what do we see crossing the road? No, it ain't no chicken! It's a big black cow!

He/She (I don't know what it was and I wasn't going to get close enough to find out!) just jaunted across the street, stopping traffic and people were taking pictures! This cow just walks onto someone's front yard, looking at us like WE'RE out of the ordinary! Imagine you're in your house, holding a cup of coffee, and you happen to look out your window. You expect to see those lovely flowers you planted, or the lawn that NEEDS to be cut (the neighbors are beginning to call you Jim Bob) and instead of those things, you see a COW eating your azaleas! WTF?! What do you say? SHOO?! BEAT IT?!

No, you'll just stand there, mouth opened wide and pray that this cow doesn't decide to make itself at home! Because, really, what can you do?! Have you ever tried to tip a cow? And while we're on that subject, how much DO you tip a cow?! 15%? 20%?!

A big thank you to Denise for donating to Sarah's cause! Thank you Thank you!!

Not feeling well today

Been having upper back pain for about 5 days now. It's more on the left side, below my shoulder blade. It's making lifting my arm or doing anything with that arm very difficult. I called the doctor and he said that that is not a spot that showed disease. I told him that it felt more muscular than anything else, it's not bone pain or anything. He wasn't concerned, but said that if it doesn't go away by next week to call him back. He told me to alternate between taking Advil and Tylenol every 4 hours. It's hard to sleep because any position I put myself into, makes my arm hurt. I can't remember pulling it or hurting it in any way, unless I did it while walking the dog, but I think I would remember yanking my arm.

And of course, when it rains it pours, another pain I'm having is left kidney pain. I know from my MRI's and CT scans that I do have kidney stones there, but it hasn't been bothering me, until today, so my whole left side is in pain today! Bloody hell! Ok, whine session over! Anyone have any cheese to go with my whine?! Mmm, cheese.

Why am I telling you all this? I don't know. I think just to have it written somewhere. I have kept a journal since the 8th grade, but ever since I was diagnosed, I haven't written a word about it in my journals. I don't know why for sure. I know that writing in there will definately make me cry. So why do that to myself deliberately? It happens enough on it's own! :)

But I cannot complain. I have it pretty good. The alternative is worse, so an ache or pain here or there is nothing. I can take it. One pill a day is not bad at all.

I'd like to make a shout out to my friend Paulo for donating! Thank you Paulo, you are the man!

Baby Stroller

About 7 or 8 years ago, Thom and I bought a baby stroller from Service Merchandise when it was going out of business. We figured it would be a good time to buy it, it was on sale and that way we would have it for when we had children.

It's been in the spare bedroom for all this time. Almost a constant reminder, except for the fact we didn't SEE it all the time.

Anyways, one of our friends is pregnant and we decided to give it to her. Thom had a difficult time, but me? I am happy. It's now with someone who will use it and appreciate it, and it's no longer in my house. I feel good about the decision. She was happy, which made it even more worthwhile!

I've been feeling very achy lately, but other than the aches and pains, been feeling good (knock on wood), no other hot flashes since that day. Been tired a lot too, but that's par for the course.

I want to thank my friend John for stepping up and donating to my friend's Hike. Thank you John!! :)

Football starts in about a month - preseason! That brings mixed feelings...happy because it's almost football season, sad because summer is almost over.

First Hot Flash

I got my first (and second) hot flash last night while I was on the computer. They came on very fast and all of a sudden I felt like my face was on fire and I broke out into a sweat. At first I thought it was my blood pressure because the animals were irritating me, but the second time, I was pretty calm. They didn't last long, but it's a weird sensation. It felt actually like a hot sensation throughout my entire body. I turned the ceiling fan on and felt 100 times better.

It does make you stop in your tracks for a second, though, wondering what the hell is going on. My Aunt June told me not to freak out and start ripping clothes off, just relax, and it will pass. She was right. I thought of that, and it made the experience go a little smoother.

And yes, I do feel better now that I've had a hot flash...a side effect that tells me that the medicine is in my system and working hopefully! I bet you've never heard a woman say she was actually HAPPY that she got a hot flash!!! But you all know by now that I am not a normal woman!!! Heehee

A worthy cause

Hi everyone,

Many of you have expressed a desire to do something for me. I now know what you can do for me. I luckily don't need anything personally, but so many other people do. I'm asking you to dig deep into your pockets and donate to cancer societies.

One in particular is The Lymphoma & Leukemia Society's "Hike for Discovery". My friend Sarah has taken up this challenge and she has told me that her friend Artie and myself are her "inspirations" and she will have both of us in her thoughts as she is hiking the Grand Canyon. She has taken on this enormous task for so many people who suffer from cancer of one form or another. She is currently in training, and will continue to train until the day of her hike, October 6th. This is such an amazing feat (one I don't envy!) and I wish her nothing but the best and I will be tracking her progress, as can you, by visiting the following website:
http://www.active.com/donate/hfdma/hfdSMcLaug

Thom works with Sarah, and I used to work with her too. Sarah is an intelligent, funny and spirited person, I am blessed by knowing her and I am touched by the fact that she thought of me in the first place. I've said this before, I don't feel much like an inspiration, and it just surprises me that some people feel this way about me.

Money raised will help fund local researchers at facilities such as Dana Farber and Children’s Hospital, one of which is very close to my heart. If you can help me help Sarah help other people with Cancer, I will feel that this whole thing is not in vain. Funding research in the cure for cancer has become paramount and I hope that you can help. She needs to raise $4,250. This is no small feat in itself. So please go to her website, read a little more about the Hike for Discovery and please donate. You can either donate via the website, or the email address she lists on the website, or for those of you who see me, I can give the money to her personally.

I think I was the first person to donate on her website, and I got a call from Sarah telling me that my money was no good there. All I have to say to her is: 2Bad i haz a moneez Now uz haz a moneez k bai

Doctor's Visit

Saw the doctor yesterday, he's AMAZED that I'm not feeling any hot flashes or anything. He said that's good. I guess I had a funny look on my face (as always!!) because he said to me, "Do you want me to do something bad to you?!" Of course, I said no, but I was counting on feeling something to know for sure that the medicine is working.

I don't have to see him until September 14th, and that's when I will have the first CT of my chest and an US to see if there's been any change. It's weird not having an appointment until September! Since April, I've had some kind of appointment almost every week. Weird.

But I'm feeling pretty ok, tired alot, but I can't complain. My appetite has been a bit wacky, things that I used to love before I can't seem to stomach. I'm more sensitive to smells too. Could be all unrelated, but who knows.

Thank you guys for your continuous support and kind and loving words. Sarah, I am hoping for that miracle. Jerry, I love you! Jim, love those cards, you don't know how excited I get when I see one in the mail, you are the best, I miss you!

The worst part of it all

Is the unknown. This to me is the scariest part of this whole ordeal. Not that any of us know what's in store for us in the future, but it just seems more looming to me. Sometimes I'm afraid to think about the future, wait, who am I kidding? I'm always afraid to think about the future, I almost feel like I'm going to "jinx" it if I think about it.

Yesterday, I broke down at lunch because someone was talking about sailing. I feel cheated. I feel mad. This is the first time since April that I've thought this, but Why me?! Not that I wish this on anyone else, ever, but dammit. I had a good thing going here. I was finally in a good place in my life: I love being married to Thom, I finally had a job that I really enjoy, my panic seemed to be somewhat under control, was going to have a child. Shit, I'm sorry, this sounds like a pity party. I don't want to do that. But the past few days have been rough for me. You guys have expressed an interest in knowing how I'm feeling all the time, so here it is, in all it's ugliness.

This cancer will never go away, it will always be there. A constant reminder to me that I am on borrowed time, or at least that's how it seems to me.

I find myself being mad at myself because I feel that I should be living life to it's fullest or something. I feel that I should be doing more than I'm doing. I'm still afraid to do things. But there is no book on how to handle this, what the "normal" way to go through this is. Yet, I feel I'm dealing with this wrong. Whatever that may mean. Yes, I know there's no right or wrong way.

I thought that I could now finally quell the fear from the panic I suffer from, but that's not how it's working out. There are places I want to see, but I hate to fly. I keep telling myself, "Why should you be afraid of flying now?? What could be worse?!" But I'm still afraid. I've had panic attacks since I was 13. That's more than half my life. Maybe I'm a victim of this, I've made myself a victim to the fear. It's not easy to just dismiss it. I've done the psychiatry, the biofeedback, the meditation, the meds.

I always feel like crying, and I can't tell when I'll just break down, the triggers are inappropriate, so it's so hard for me to know when this will happen.

I also find myself reminiscing about the past a lot.

I don't' feel anything on the medicine, so I'm worried that it's not working, but I'm always reminded by people that it needs to build up in my system to a therapeutic dose before anything will happen. Logically, I know that, but what's taking so long??

I see the doctor tomorrow, but he's probably not going to be telling me anything new. Well, at least I hope not, it seems that everytime I see him, he has more bad news! I feel like a dog going to the vet, he learns to start hating the vet because everytime he goes there, he gets poked and prodded. Maybe if Thom gives me a treat or something for going there... Ha ha

Day 6

This is Day 6 of being on Tamoxifen. Feeling fine. The only thing I noticed was some joint pain, but I can't be sure if it's a side effect of the medicine, or just a sign of me getting old...

My panic attacks have returned recently (can't imagine why). I used to be able to at least drive myself from Thom's work to my work, but that seems to have become a problem of late. This is most frustrating and upsetting to me, it just seems the little freedom that I've been able to enjoy is dwindling. I can push myself, but it just stresses me out so much, I don't feel like adding any additional stress to myself anymore than I have to. This unfortunately takes a toll on Thom because he's essentially my chauffeur, but I feel that I can at least prevent this stress in my life, whereas other things I have no control over.

Funny story:

This morning, before jumping into the shower, I thought I felt a scab on my hip. So here I am trying to pick it off. Then it just didn't feel right to me. So I look down, and what do I see? A friggin' tick! I start screaming for Thom.

"THOM???!!!"
"What?"
"I'VE GOT A TICK ON ME!!! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!!!"
"Ok, c'mon downstairs"
"I'M NAKED!" (At the bottom of the stairs we have big picture windows and very close neighbors)
"Ok, fine, I'll come upstairs." He looks at it, then starts to reach for it. I start to screech. Here I am, buck naked, running around like an idiot because I am so eecked out.
"GET IT OOOOOOFF!!!!"
"You need to stand still so I can get it"
He pulled it out and I could FEEL it disengaging from my skin!!!!!!!!!! EEEEECCCKKKKKK!! And I TOUCHED it!! Double EEECCCKKK! It was there ALL night, sucking my blood. Triple EEECCCKK!!
"Now I'm gonna get Lyme disease, that's all I need!"
"No, you're not gonna get Lyme disease, you get that from deer ticks and that wasn't a deer tick."
"Are you sure?!"
"Yes, deer ticks are small and white, this one was big and brown, and it was wiggling..."
"OK, I don't want to hear any more, thanks."...slight pause..."You're not lying to me, are you?"
"No, I'm not lying to you."

Ahh, it's hard to be me.

I want to wish everyone a Happy and Safe Fourth of July!!

A glimpse into my madness

Yes, I know I'm insane, you all know that I'm insane, but let me tell you just HOW insane I am by sharing this little diddy.

Now grant you, this is only Day 2 of taking Tamoxifen. Day 2.

Day 1. Yesterday. I picked up the medicine, left it in the car for about 2 1/2 hours. Freaked out about it because it was in the car and it was 106 degrees in the car. I was sure that the medicine was now ruined and that it wouldn't work because the insert said to "store at room temperature." Asked people around work, they told me it was ok. Didn't believe them. Called the pharmacy and they told me it was ok too. Didn't believe them.

Day 2. Today. Driving into work with Thom this morning. He had a 24 ounce bottle of orange juice that he was drinking. I decided to take my Tamoxifen then. Put the pill in my mouth, took a swig of OJ. SWISHED the pill in my mouth to make sure it was in there. Swallowed. About 5 minutes later, I started stressing that somehow, the pill JUMPED out of my mouth and landed into the jug of OJ. Looked at the jug to see if I could see the pill floating around. Nothing. Please refer to the sentence where I said that I swished the pill in my mouth to make sure it was there. I KNEW it was in my mouth, I felt it. But this nagging voice kept saying, "What if it's in the OJ?!" Freaking out. Thom's laughing at me. He told me to just drink the rest of the OJ, so if I was sure the pill lept out of my mouth, at least I could drink the OJ and feel better. Fine. Drank 24 ounces of OJ. Feel sick to my stomach.

Can't wait for Day 3.

Can we say OH MY GOD?!

It's so hard to be me. Honestly. No wonder I am always tired. It's so hard to be in my head.

Hope this made you laugh.

Hip Biopsy Results

Got the results from my hip biopsy. As suspected, the cells in my hips are also Estrogen/Progesterone Receptor +, same as the breast tumor. So, that means I can begin treatment! Finally!

I will begin taking a drug called Tamoxifen, it's one pill a day. The way in which Tamoxifen works is this (quoted from http://www.cancerbackup.org.uk/ - Don't want to plagiarize!):

Most breast cancers need supplies of the female hormone oestrogen to grow. Cancer cells have proteins called receptors on their surface that the sex hormones attach to. Cancers with oestrogen-receptors on the surface of their cells are called 'oestrogen-receptor-positive' (ER-positive) and tamoxifen is most effective against these cancers.

Under normal circumstances, when oestrogen comes into contact with the receptors, it fits into them and activates the cancer cells to divide so that the tumor grows.

Tamoxifen imitates the action of oestrogen and fits into the receptor but does not activate the cells to divide. The tamoxifen stays in place and stops oestrogen from reaching the cancer cells so that they either grow more slowly or stop growing altogether.

I will continue taking Tamoxifen until it stops working. Side effects include menopausal symptoms, hot flashes, night sweats, etc. So watch out! I'm going to be one hot, sweaty, biotch with an attitude! :) People at work better get their SOPs* reviewed! Or else...

I will have an increased risk of developing blood clots, so I was told that if I notice any swelling in my feet, I need to hot-trot it down to the nearest emergency room, because that's not something I want to mess around with. Guess I will just have to walk around the office a lot more and not sit at my desk all day.

It takes Tamoxifen about a few months to get really going, it needs to build up in my system. When it's been about 3 months, Dr. Silver will start measuring the tumor in my left breast and start to take images from time to time. I asked him what happens, if at 3 months, we see no change? He said he would be very happy with that. He told me that if he could freeze time until I'm 85, he would be ecstatic. But, if it gets bigger, then we will have to attack it more aggressively. He's very positive that I will respond well to this.

I have a follow-up appointment with Dr. Silver in one month to see how I'm reacting to the medicine.


*SOPs: Standard Operating Procedures - it is basically the "how-to" on doing tests in the lab. A recipe book, if you will. Because, after all, it's all about food! :D

Comment Moderation

As much as I love being international, I have decided that I will now be moderating comments left on my blog. I got this comment (you can try to read it) in Brazilian, something about customized T-shirts. Great. Just what I want. I'll buy a T-shirt that says "Look at me, I have breast cancer!" or "I have cancer and all I got was this T-shirt!"

I don't want to have to do this, I get great pleasure in going to my blog and being surprised at the comments. I can't figure out how to delete his comment.

Anyways, I will see how this works. If I don't like it, I'll revisit.


UPDATE: I figured out how to delete unwanted comments, so I am going to remove the comment moderation. I knew there had to be a way...

Thom has been replaced...

I have a new pain in the ass this morning! :)~

Sorry I didn't write yesterday, by the time I got home, I was too tired to do anything except sleep.

The whole Brigham & Women's, Children's and Dana Farber complex is like one big city, they are all connected by walkways, the places are HUGE!

We got to B&W and I had to get a blue hospital card...I'm starting a collection of hospital cards! When we go to the CT area, I got led into what looked like a day surgery area, beds were lined up and I had a nice johnny and a wonderful (not!) pair of socks waiting for me. Once I changed, the nurse came over to start an IV. Let me tell you, that was probably the worst part of this whole thing. She tried my left hand, blew the vein out on that side. Meanwhile, I'm in PAIN, and all she says is that I'm a very facially expressive person. Uh, you are HURTING me! Of course I'm going to make faces, if I don't make faces, I may have to just PUNCH you in the head!!! Then she tried my right hand, butchered that, but finally got the catether in. Blood's everywhere. "Oh, it bleeds wonderfully once we got it in there." Yeah, great, get the hell away from me and let me clean up YOUR mess!

The radiologist who was performing this procedure came to talk to us, I swear, he must've only been about 21 years old!! Ok, so maybe not 21, but he was Y-O-U-N-G!

They wheeled me into a very cold room and I had to lay on my stomach. They put a grid on my butt and had to get some pictures first, to line it up with the grid. Once they got the right spot, they marked it on my skin and removed the grid. Here I am, ass up, my crack exposed to everyone in the room! I wanted to tell them all to kiss it, but they are there to help me after all! :)

They numbed up the area as best they could, and the numbing medicine hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, but once it was numb, it was fine, sort of. They were also giving me pain meds and light sedation medicine through the IV. I forget the name of the meds, but I was feeling pretty good there. I did feel them taking the samples, but all in all, it wasn't as bad as I had feared. They took 5 core samples in all, but the nice meds they gave me made me feel happy.

They made me hang around for about 1/2 hour and then discharged me. Walking was a bitch, you'd think they would give me a wheelchair. I rode in the passenger seat on my right side, my left ass cheek facing Thom. Heehee. Stopped in to see my parents on the way home. Mom had a nice dinner waiting, so we ate well, which made me happy. We got home, it must've been about 9:30pm, and I went straight to bed.

I am much sorer today. The injection sites where they numbed me up hurts the most, but other than being sore, I am doing fine.

We will not have the results for 3-5 days, so as soon as I know, I will let you know!

I do have to take this time to wish my friend Jerry a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! It was yesterday, I'm sorry I missed it!! But you are now on my calendar, my friend, so it will not be missed again!! Hope your day was wonderful!

Biopsy Date

Just got off the phone with Dr. Silver. I have a CT-guided biopsy of the pelvis scheduled for Thursday, 6.21.07, the first day of summer. I have to be at the Brigham and Women's Hospital by 2:00pm. There was talk about not doing it until next week, but I hit the roof. I can't keep playing this waiting game. So the proverbial squeaky wheel got some grease. I'm subdued. For now.

I will have to have a ride home because they will be giving me IV pain meds. From my understanding, they will take a number of pictures with the CT scanner and then, using those pictures, guide a lovely needle into my bone where they think they can get the best sample.

Once they get a sample, they have to de-calcify the bone before they run the other tests on it, so the de-calcification is going to take 1-2 days, and then however long it takes them to do the other tests. Grrr.

If they don't get the kind of sample they need, they have me scheduled for a PET CT biopsy, which is another PET scan, but they will do a biopsy right during the procedure. That's scheduled for June 28th and it takes a week for the results of that. I swear, if I have to wait until July to start treatment, I'm going to go ballistic.

I have to go for some special blood test tomorrow. They need to test for bleeding disorders. I'm not going into Boston just for the blood test, so I'm going to Fallon. I can't take any Motrin/Ibuprofen until after the test.

Why can't anything be simple? I've always hated Drama, but it seems that's all I'm getting, more Drama.

Thoughts

It's so hard not to be consumed by all of this. It's so hard when the first thing you think of when you wake up and the last thing you think of when you go to bed is this. Some days are better than others. There are split seconds during my day when I forget I have cancer. Just a split second. Then it all comes back to me and hits me in the face like a ton of bricks.

I think working is one of my saving factors. People at work ask me why I'm there. I have to be. I can't stay at home and wallow, I just can't. I'm not that productive at work lately, but I'm glad to be there. Hell, I'm glad to be anywhere right now. People at work make me smile, make me laugh, and even make me mad. But most of all, they make me forget, for a short time anyways. When I'm at work, I almost feel normal (as normal as I'll ever be!)

But how easy it would be to not even get out of bed in the morning. So easy.

I have never prayed so hard in my life. Every night, I pray that I will be strong through all of this, that I will have faith that I will make it through this, I pray for all my family and friends that they never EVER have to go through this.

Am I mad? You better believe I am. All I was trying to do was to get pregnant and give Thom a child. He would've been such a wonderful father. I feel I've cheated him of that. It's not right and it's not fair. But I can't turn back time. I wish I could.

People call me their hero. I'm no hero. I didn't volunteer for this. I didn't ask for this. A hero in my eyes is someone who knowingly and willingly put their lives on the line for another. I am no such person.

And here I was, depressed that I turned 35 this year. Funny, now all I hope is that I make it to 36.

Life turns on a dime. My life has now been split into two major parts: BC (before cancer) and now. When I pick up a paper at work with a date on it, I think to myself, "That was 2 weeks before I was diagnosed with cancer. What was I thinking that day?" Probably something stupid or worthless. I was probably mad at somebody!

I remember everything about that day, April 25, 2007. What I had to eat, what I was wearing, what was playing on the TV in the Mammo waiting room. I still can't look at a panini sandwich without getting nauseous.

Tomorrow marks my one year anniversary with Athena. That year has flown by. I love working at Athena. I tell people that all the time. They look at me like I'm crazy (which I am, but that's another story!) I'm really glad to be there, I'm really glad to be here.

I got 3 cards today, I was so happy I did a little dance in the kitchen! One from my sister Lizz, one from my brother-in-law Jim (I love Vito!!!), and one from Denise, a very wonderful woman I worked with. Thank you for the cards, you made my day!

Anyways, I've babbled enough.

I will calling the doctor tomorrow to see when they want to do this biopsy of my hip. I'm gonna start punching someone if they don't start treatment soon. Grrr.

Much love,
E

Blue Man Group

Just got back from our night out. We went to see the Blue Man Group at the Charles Playhouse in Boston. Man, what fun!! I had such a good time! Great show, I highly recommend it. Thom and I were in the front row! We had ponchos, but didn't get splashed with anything. :(

We went with the firefighters from Park Avenue Station and they were a hoot! John, thank you again for a great time!

Jerry, thank you for the laugh! I wish I could say I felt bad for the fleas, but I don't...they'll probably somehow find their new home with my dogs. Dammit!

Alida, thank you for your kind words, you wouldn't think I was so strong if you see my bawling my heart out sometimes. But I got to release it, then I feel better.

Well, it's past my bedtime. 'Till next time!

Much love,
E

And the fun just keeps on coming...

You know, I'm really beginning to get annoyed. And this whole going to the doctor thing? Getting sick of it. Overrated. Everytime I go to the doctor, he tells me bad news. I need some good news to come my way. That day is not today.

Had a follow-up appointment with Dr. Silver from Dana Farber. He was supposed to receive all my films from UMass on TUESDAY of this week, so that he and his team could review them before he saw me, but he didn't get them until TODAY~FRIDAY! But he finally has all my films and reports in his possession, so my dealings with UMass are at an end. Thank goodness. Unfortunately, he was the only one who had time to look at them.

Apparently, this little cancer pain-in-the-ass of mine has spread further than he first anticipated. He saw some spots in my bones, mostly in my hips. He still wants to biopsy this, and now he thinks that they'll be able to get a sample from my hip bone easier than going into my lungs. If he got the films on Tuesday like he was supposed to, he could've scheduled the biopsy for today, but now, he won't be able to have the surgeons look at it until Monday, so the earliest they can schedule me for the biopsy is Tuesday or Wednesday. More waiting.

Interesting part is, the UMass doctor never mentioned anything about the PET Scan showing anything in my bones. He had told me that my bones were clean. I'm SO done with UMass.

Now, regardless of the fact that the cancer is now in my bones, the treatment regimen will remain the same: Hormone Therapy. He's positive due to the nature of the tumor, it will respond well to the hormone treatments. It's called Tamoxifen (sp?) and it's a pseudo-estrogen. Since estrogen is a fuel for my particular tumor, this hormone will bind to the receptor sites on the cancer cells. When the cancer cells try to absorb this hormone, thinking it is estrogen, it won't be able to and the theory is that the hormone will first stop the cancer cells from growing, and then the cancer cells will shrink. It's one pill a day, until it stops working, he said somewhere between 2-4 years. This will make me go through menopausal symptoms. Hot flashes, etc. When this stops working, there are other hormones he will give me, along with a shot that will tell my brain to stop my ovaries. Estrogen is the enemy.

I also saw a nutritionist today. I want to start eating foods that will boost my immune system and naturally try to slow this son-of-a-bitch down. Basically, I need to be eating 75% fruits and veggies, with only 25% of what I eat coming from animals (meat, eggs, milk etc.). I will be taking supplements also. Learned an interesting fact today, people in New England do not receive the needed amount of Vitamin D. So, if possible, spend 15 minutes a day in the sun (therein lies the problem, we don't get a lot of sun!) Vitamin D supplements are a good idea, taking at least 1,000 IUs (international units) a day. And, I have to exercise at least 1/2 hour a day. Walking is acceptable, which is what I plan on doing...man, the dogs are gonna love me... not that they already don't! :)

Anyways, that's the latest news. Yet another blow to "Team LeBrun", but we're just going to keep on trucking. My friend Shannon told me I have to get pissed at this, and I think I'm finally getting pissed. First I was sad, then I was in denial, then acceptance, then annoyed, now I'm pissed. I feel that my body has betrayed me, but then again, I never really respected my body like it deserves to be respected. If you ignore it, it will do what it has to do to get your attention. But for crying out loud, it could've gotten my attention in some other less than life-threatening way!! But this is what I have to work with, so here I go!

Much love to you all!
E

Test results

I got the results of the PET scan...not good. My lungs lit up light a Christmas tree, so the nodules in my lungs are metastatic cancer. A lymph node on my left side lit up too, but we knew that.

Even though I was expecting this, I'm still kind of numb right now.

Please keep those prayers and good thoughts coming my way, it's what's helping me get along.

With love,
E

It's all about the lungs

First off, I have not yet received the results from the PET Scan. Should hear about that on Monday.

Went to Dana Farber today. Let me tell you, I feel a lot more confident being in their care.

I brought all the films and reports I was able to get out of UMass. To say that I'm aggravated is an understatement. UMass has not been forthcoming with all my records and I found out that Dr. Silver from Dana Farber is missing some important films. So now he's going to get on the horn with UMass and get ALL my records.

Dr. Silver had his pathologists look at the films we had. Everything depends on what the nodules are in my lungs. He has a suspicion that they are cancerous, there are just too many of them. Life would've been a lot easier if they were not cancerous, but I've never done anything the easy way.

There are 2 scenarios:

1) If the nodules are NOT cancerous, they can cure me with surgery and chemotherapy and I can go on my merry little way.

2) If the nodules ARE cancerous, they cannot cure me, they can treat me with chemotherapy and hormone therapy and try to keep the cancer at bay as long as they can, he said something along the lines of years.

Dr. Silver wants to get his thoracic surgeons to get a biopsy of one of these lung nodules so that they know definitively what they are dealing with.

I have another appointment with Dr. Silver next Friday.

I wish I had more, but things are going to start moving faster and I am in very good hands. I have a lot more confidence being in Dana Farber's care.

Oh yes, I have decided not to go to Pennsylvania. The fact that Dr. Silver has never heard of this place doesn't instill a lot of confidence in me. Also, Dana Farber is ranked #5 as the best cancer hospital in the United States, so why would I go anywhere else? And lastly, I want to start treatment as soon as possible. So all those factors made me decide that I don't want to go anywhere else. And each time I hear this news, it's just like the first time. It doesn't get any easier.

I'm holding up pretty good. I'm trying so hard to remain optimistic. Thom and I are going to see the Blue Man Group next weekend with a group of firefighters (Hi John!!), so I'm looking forward to that! I've never seen the Blue Man Group, but I hear they're awesome!!

Thank you all for the cards and emails!

With love,
E

PET Scan

I hate tests.

Never been claustrophobic before all this started. The funny part was that it was only 2 "donut holes" and not complete tubes, yet I had a hard time with this test. Had a panic attack while in it.

The doctor will get the results in approximately 48 hours.

Flight details for Pennslyvania have been made. We leave Sunday night from Boston at 7:30pm, and will arrive there around 9:01pm. We come back on Wednesday night at 7:30pm and arrive in Boston around 9:00pm. Both are on US Airways. I hate flying.

The doctor that I was working with at the Reproductive Science Center in Lexington called me today. She asked if we were interested in egg harvesting before I go on chemo. She asked, but she is against it because they will have to give me estrogen shots...now if you remember, my tumor is estrogen/progesterone +, so in order to get eggs, I will run the HIGH (and dangerous) risk of feeding the tumor and making it bigger faster. I shot this idea down immediately, and she well agreed. She only had to ask me because we had discussed this before I found out what kind of a tumor it was. How ironic.

I was a crabby pants today, poor Thom. He sent me flowers at work yesterday with a note that made me cry. Thanks, Thom! :)

Anyways, keep those positive thoughts and prayers coming my way. These might be a very stressful few days while I wait for the results.

G'night!

Luv, E

Hair Cut

Got my hair cut SHORT yesterday. It's so weird. I've never had really short hair before, so this is very odd to me. I don't think it looks good, but I've never liked my hair anyways. It's going to be funny when I go to work tomorrow!

I got it cut so that when it falls out it won't be TOO much of a shock. I was also thinking of buying different color wigs: pink, purple, red, green. Heehee

Thom, my friend Corey and I went out hat shopping yesterday. Was never a hat person, either, and I went home with 4 hats.

Yesterday was a not-so-good day. My emotions are like a damn rollercoaster, which I hate, by the way.

Not much to report. PET scan on the 6th, appointment with Dana-Farber on the 8th. More waiting. Great.

I'm a very lucky girl...

To have so much love and support. I just want to thank you all for taking time to read about this and to leave me comments. You will never realize how much it means to me that you guys care. When I read your posts, it makes me feel like I can do anything, with you guys by my side, I really think I can.

And Jerry, yes, it's worth a lot to me that you are thinking of me. I like cookies! :)

I got an appointment with Dana Farber, and that's set for June 8th. They recommended that I continue with the plan of starting chemo, they will re-evaluate everything when I get there. If they concur with the course of treatment, I will continue it. If they don't like it, they will have me complete that "round" and then start with their recommendations.

I am also looking into a place called the Cancer Treatment Centers of America. It was recommended by my sister. It's in Pennsylvania and they pay for our (Thom and I) flights to and from the facility, as well as pay for any flights for treatments.

I'm going to fight this with every ounce of strength I have, and will look into any possibility. I didn't get a "warm and fuzzy feeling" from the UMass oncologist I just talked to yesterday. I guess I want someone who "thinks outside the box" and will do whatever it takes to get me better. I want someone who has the same urgency as I do, someone who will fight as hard, or harder for me and with me! Dammit, I have a lot of living to do, I have lots of people to annoy!!! ;)

But thank you for all the cards, the emails, the comments, the hugs, the ears (not physically, but lending an ear when I just need to vent), the ice cream (Thanks Sue!). I said it before, I'll say it again.

You guys are truly a blessing. Please don't stop!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, which, by the way, I saw today on the echocardiogram.

With much love and gratitude.
E

Appointment

Had my appointment with the Oncologist.

Here's the Deal-e-o:

The type of tumor is an Estrogen and Progesterone Receptor +

The CT Scan revealed "Multiple, too numerous to count, bilateral pulmonary nodules measuring between 1-15 mm"...In layman's terms, they found a lot of nodules in my lungs.

I am scheduled to have an echocardiogram to make sure my heart is healthy for the chemo. I am also scheduled to have a PET scan to try to determine what those lung nodules are.

Chemo should begin Monday or Tuesday of next week. I am going to be put on Adriomycin (sp?) and Cytocin (sp?), along with Taxol and Newlasta (sp?) to increase my white blood cell count. The Adriomycin is the most potent, so it will cause hair loss (rather quickly) and decreased blood count. There is also a rare chance of heart valve damage in non-healthy hearts, hence the echocardiogram.

The PET (Positron Emission Tomography) is a special scan that allows the doctors to see where cancer cells are in my body. The theory is that cancer cells turn sugar around more quickly than regular cells, so they inject a radioactive dye that attaches to these sugars and when under the PET scan, the cancer cells kind of light up like a christmas tree.

We need to determine what these lung nodules are. Now the really bad news. If the lung nodules are found to be cancerous, it means that the cancer has metasticized and there is no cure. NO CURE. These nodules will determine whether this cancer is a Stage II or a Stage IV. All or nothing, man, there is no in between.

I can't even finish typing this. I'll write more when I can. Sorry.

Email Address

I forgot to give you guys my email address. The spam filter at work blocks just about everything but spam, so it's almost futile emailing me at work, so I will give you my home email:

emily.lebrun@gmail.com

I check my email on a regular basis, so I will get back to you.

I have my meeting with the medical oncologist today. To say that I'm scared is an understatement. I will write more when I know more.

Off to work I go, for a half a day at least!

E

My amazing wife

In case you didn't already know, Emily is an amazing women. This is a terribly scary thing to go through and she carries herself with grace and dignity......OK so maybe we can replace grace with humor and dignity with openness, :-) sorry Hun. I hope she knows how much her strength has made me able to handle all this.

Ok im done for now

Infection

The biopsy site on my right breast got infected today. Of course today, because it's a holiday, and doctor's are not in the office today. Soooo, off to the emergency room I went. Tra la la. The site was red, hot, and swollen. The doctor made an incision to drain it and put in a "wick" to allow it to continue to drain. Fun fun fun!!

I am on antibiotics and pain meds because the wick they put in prevents the incision from closing up.

I have joined NetFlix, so if any of you have any recommendations for any movies, I would love to hear from you. I will not watch any sad movies, so if it's sad, don't even mention it to me. Sappy movies are a thumb's down also.

We went to see my friend Jenn's baby today, 35 hours of labor. Oh my! Baby is very cute!!

Gotta go take my pills and go sleepies!

'Nite!

E

Second Opinion

I decided to go get a Second Opinion at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston. It can't hurt, and if anyone is at the cutting-edge, it's Dana-Farber. They can't make me an appointment until I get the pathology results from my biopsies because they don't know who they need to set me up to see without the results. I will have those results on Wednesday. I was busy getting all my records, films, reports etc. together so that when we go to Dana-Farber, I'll have my whole history with me. My portfolio of sorts.

This blog is getting more popular than I ever thought it would. People are passing it on to other people who are passing it on to other people etc. Hmm, maybe I'll make the evening news. :)

My spirits are up today, for which I am thankful. Man, it sucks being down, I don't like it. I decided that I will only surround myself with positive people. I don't have room in my life or the time for downers. You either make me laugh, or hit the road! ;) I love to laugh, so for all you comedians out there...BRING IT!

This may border on TMI, but hey, it's my blog, and I'll divulge if I want to! I bought new antiperspirant. I did some reading on the aluminum in regular deodorant and what it basically stated was that the aluminum blocked the pores and prevented anything from being released, so the "toxins" have to go somewhere, and to the lymph nodes it goes. So I bought a "crystal stone" and what it is is just a mineral rock. Not sure how it's going to work, so if you smell something...

Also, Tom's of Maine has aluminum-free antiperspirant.

Another B-E-A-Utiful day! I love the hot weather! Summer is almost here!

Well, my loyal readers, I will talk with you later! Have a wonderful and safe long weekend!!

Love,

E

Random thoughts before bed

The earliest appointment they could get me in to see the oncologist is on Wednesday, May 30th. I tried so hard not to get mad at the nurse, it's not her fault.

Called my parents tonight to tell them...they don't get on the computer much, so they don't know this blog exists. That was the toughest conversation I had to make. Now you have to understand that my father is a typical Italian male, no emotion, strong, strict disciplinarian, figure-head. I had him reduced to tears and despair. He cried. I think in my 35 years, I've seen him cry only once before. And for the first time, he told me he loved me. It was always understood, but never spoken. I nearly fell off my chair.

And I had this thought:
Sometimes, I don't want to tell anyone about this because I'm afraid that they will look at me and think to themselves, "Oh my God, I'm so glad that I'm not HER." I don't want to be the person that people DON'T want to be.

I want to leave on a positive note. Today was a B-E-A-Utiful day. Ate lunch on the back deck, went out for ice-cream. It was nice.

Until next time, goodnight.

E

A Girl Just Can't Catch a Break

I got my biopsy results last night, and I heard the 2 worst words I could've heard:

Invasive

Aggressive

Surgery has been cancelled. I'm waiting on a phone call from the oncologist, the one who will be administering the chemotherapy.

It's weird how so many things come rushing into your head in a matter of seconds. I've never felt such pure terror in my life - Ever.

My first thought: I don't want to die.
My second thought: What about Thom? I don't want to leave him.
My third thought: FUCK

Just put that on automatic replay and you get the idea.

Thom said that we can fight this, that I can do this. I'm not feeling too strong right now.

I thought I had a grip on this, I was doing so well. I was at peace with the knowledge that I was going to lose both my breasts, as long as the cancer didn't spread elsewhere in my body. Now this. My worst nightmare realized.

God is a Sadist.

Been through a plethora of emotions:

Terror
Sadness
Anger
Acceptance (to some degree, or maybe the word is submission?)
Back to Terror

I'm not going to work today, I won't be able to keep up an appearance. I would love the support of Anna and Libby right now, but unfortunately, they are not the only ones at work.

Thom is home with me also. I love him so much.

Seems like this Blog is going to be somewhat therapeutic for me.

I will keep you posted. Thanks for reading.

E

I am the Pin Cushion

Had more tests done today.

They did a mammogram on my right breast because "something" showed up on the MRI. They did a magnification mammo, which was worse because the platform was smaller and they pressed down harder. Less surface area! Ouchie!

Next was an ultrasound of my left lymph nodes because one of my doctors felt a lymph node and wanted more information on it. They did a Fine Needle Aspiration (FNA) and that will tell us if there are any tumor cells in the lymph node. Another Core Biopsy was done of the lump on the left breast. They took 6 core samples. Then they did yet another Core Biopsy of my right breast in which they took 7 core samples.

The worst part of that was the lanocaine (sp?) they injected to numb up the areas.

Needless to say I felt like a pin cushion, and I was a bit battered and bruised. I should get the results on Thursday. Keep your fingers crossed that the lymph nodes come out clean.

What Cancer Cannot Do

I found this poem and thought it was pretty powerful:

What Cancer Cannot Do

"Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple Love.
It cannot shatter Hope.
It cannot corrode Faith.
It cannot destroy Peace.
It cannot kill Friendship.
It cannot suppress Memories.
It cannot silence Courage.
It cannot invade the Soul.
It cannot steal eternal Life.
It cannot conquer the Spirit."

Surgery Date Set

Surgery is slated for May 29, 2007. I don't have a time yet, they won't tell me until a day before. It's the waiting that's the worst part of this whole ordeal.

I got my Pre-Op instructions, and one stood out: Do not eat or drink after midnight the night prior to surgery. Why? Will I turn into a Gremlin?! If so, I want to be the Gremlin with the mohawk, he was bad-ass!