Thoughts

It's so hard not to be consumed by all of this. It's so hard when the first thing you think of when you wake up and the last thing you think of when you go to bed is this. Some days are better than others. There are split seconds during my day when I forget I have cancer. Just a split second. Then it all comes back to me and hits me in the face like a ton of bricks.

I think working is one of my saving factors. People at work ask me why I'm there. I have to be. I can't stay at home and wallow, I just can't. I'm not that productive at work lately, but I'm glad to be there. Hell, I'm glad to be anywhere right now. People at work make me smile, make me laugh, and even make me mad. But most of all, they make me forget, for a short time anyways. When I'm at work, I almost feel normal (as normal as I'll ever be!)

But how easy it would be to not even get out of bed in the morning. So easy.

I have never prayed so hard in my life. Every night, I pray that I will be strong through all of this, that I will have faith that I will make it through this, I pray for all my family and friends that they never EVER have to go through this.

Am I mad? You better believe I am. All I was trying to do was to get pregnant and give Thom a child. He would've been such a wonderful father. I feel I've cheated him of that. It's not right and it's not fair. But I can't turn back time. I wish I could.

People call me their hero. I'm no hero. I didn't volunteer for this. I didn't ask for this. A hero in my eyes is someone who knowingly and willingly put their lives on the line for another. I am no such person.

And here I was, depressed that I turned 35 this year. Funny, now all I hope is that I make it to 36.

Life turns on a dime. My life has now been split into two major parts: BC (before cancer) and now. When I pick up a paper at work with a date on it, I think to myself, "That was 2 weeks before I was diagnosed with cancer. What was I thinking that day?" Probably something stupid or worthless. I was probably mad at somebody!

I remember everything about that day, April 25, 2007. What I had to eat, what I was wearing, what was playing on the TV in the Mammo waiting room. I still can't look at a panini sandwich without getting nauseous.

Tomorrow marks my one year anniversary with Athena. That year has flown by. I love working at Athena. I tell people that all the time. They look at me like I'm crazy (which I am, but that's another story!) I'm really glad to be there, I'm really glad to be here.

I got 3 cards today, I was so happy I did a little dance in the kitchen! One from my sister Lizz, one from my brother-in-law Jim (I love Vito!!!), and one from Denise, a very wonderful woman I worked with. Thank you for the cards, you made my day!

Anyways, I've babbled enough.

I will calling the doctor tomorrow to see when they want to do this biopsy of my hip. I'm gonna start punching someone if they don't start treatment soon. Grrr.

Much love,
E