Well, I cut my hair on Saturday, short. It has begun to fall out. I run my hand through my hair and I get a handful of hair. I have to say, it's a little more disturbing than I had initially anticipated. I don't like to see all that hair. It may be time to shave the whole thing instead of waiting for it all to fall out. Sigh.
BUT it is only hair and it will grow back, so that's a comfort at least.
This last round of chemo went as smooth as silk, no reactions, no side effects. Feeling good. I have next week off.
Bought moisturizer for my face, the chemo has a very drying effect on my skin. They also recommended that I get scalp stuff to keep my head from drying out too. I'm probably going to order my wig and get some funky scarves. It's sure going to be weird looking at myself in the mirror...with no hair. I've always had long hair, so this is truly an adjustment.
On the way to Dana-Farber last Friday, I noticed the graffitti that's everywhere, I have to say, some of these people are truly artistic, it's too bad that they don't have a positive outlet for their skill. Some of it is really good! Just something I noticed.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Chemo - Round 2
Ding Ding! Fighters come out of your corners and fight clean.
Had Round 2 of Chemo on Friday, and it went extremely well! No allergic reaction this time, thank goodness. I only had the Taxol infusion, the Avastin is every other week. I was sitting near a lady who just started Taxol too, and she had a very bad reaction, so bad that they are admitting her and giving her the Taxol while in the hospital as opposed to in the clinic. So things could always be worse...
Feeling fine so far.
Went for a wig fitting too. Tried on some funky styles and colors, and narrowed it down to 2. So depending on whether I lose a lot of hair, I may have a wig, which I must admit is appealing...no fuss no muss and it always looks the same! :) I was never a good hairstylist with my hair, it was always a pain in the ass for me. Always easier to put it up in a ponytail.
Found a new friend. His name is Mr. Bo Jangles and he is my little mouse companion.
Had Round 2 of Chemo on Friday, and it went extremely well! No allergic reaction this time, thank goodness. I only had the Taxol infusion, the Avastin is every other week. I was sitting near a lady who just started Taxol too, and she had a very bad reaction, so bad that they are admitting her and giving her the Taxol while in the hospital as opposed to in the clinic. So things could always be worse...
Feeling fine so far.
Went for a wig fitting too. Tried on some funky styles and colors, and narrowed it down to 2. So depending on whether I lose a lot of hair, I may have a wig, which I must admit is appealing...no fuss no muss and it always looks the same! :) I was never a good hairstylist with my hair, it was always a pain in the ass for me. Always easier to put it up in a ponytail.
Found a new friend. His name is Mr. Bo Jangles and he is my little mouse companion.
He'll be accompanying me on my treatments. Isn't he too cute? He smells like chamomile tea and you can heat him up in the microwave. Seems kinda cruel to me, so he won't be put in there.
As soon as Thom and I sat down, I had a volunteer offering food and food and more food. She gave us so much food, it was piled up on the table next to me. She threw like 3 bags of chips and popcorn at Thom, even after he said he was good! And then another volunteer would just randomly come by and leave a container of chicken salad or fruit salad. It's hilarious. Everyone is SO nice there. Thom told me that all the food is donated, and it's a lot of food. Gives you hope that there are still nice, caring people in the world.
Went to my parent's after treatment, had an awesome BBQ. Speaking of my parents...they have this dog, Skippy, I forget what kind of dog he is, a Shit-zu? Yes, I purposely misspelled that, because he's a little shit. From the day he came to my parents, he's been eating human food, he won't touch dog food...can't say I blame him...but he's a dog. We are eating BBQ rib eye and this little dog gets a fillet Mignon, asparagus, mashed potatoes and a piece of garlic bread. I almost fell off my chair. Are you kidding me?! LOL
Then we went to Dairy Queen...mmmm. Love their soft-serve twist with Jimmies. I can definitely get used to this ritual! :)
All the way home, Thom and I were jamming to tunes on the highway, dancing, playing air guitar, drums, singing (or trying to anyways!)...the people all around us must've thought we were nuts, and you know what? We are, and I love every minute of it!
Oh, here's a picture of me with my IV in:
You can see part of the table filled with food. So, my friends, until next time, peace out! My next treatment is 5/29/09.
There are some ladies that work with Thom that are doing the Susan B. Komen 3-day walk for cancer. Thom told them I would plug them here, so please donate if you have the means, I know times are tough right now. Save Second Base! Go B-Cups!
www.the3day.org/goto/Base2
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Chemo Day
Today was my first dose of chemo. Had to be at Dana-Farber by 11:30am to get an IV put in and blood taken. Then we had to wait for the doctor, he was running an hour late.
Met with the doctor and he had the results of the last CT scan. My liver is clean! No tumors in the liver. He did notice some fatty deposits in the liver which he said was pretty common and those deposits can sometimes raise the liver enzymes. But even though my liver was clean, he wanted to still start the chemo. I agreed.
After meeting with him, I was sent up to the "chemo suite". Hmm, was there champagne waiting? A breathtaking view? Umm, not really. I did have a view, of all the lovely cement, glass and metal buildings, and if I looked far enough toward the horizon, tilted my head and squinted, I could catch a glimpse of something green...trees perhaps? One can't be sure.
Met with my nurse, Jade, and she seems like a cool chick. Thom and I were discussing how amazing it is that there are so many nice people who work at Dana-Farber. With everything they see on a daily basis, they still have a wonderful sense of humor...which I appreciate, and enjoy! It makes the stay just a little bit easier.
Got some pre-treatments of Benadryl and Zantac. Man, the benadryl gave me some wicked bad "jimmy" legs, it felt like my legs were on fire and there were worms crawling under my skin. Those took about 20 minutes each to infuse. Then we started with the Avastin, which also took about 20 minutes. That went fine. When that was complete, we started on the Taxol, which was an hour infusion. 10 minutes into it, I felt very flush in my neck and face. I asked Thom if I looked red and he said no. Then the injection site started to burn and then immediately following that, my chest started getting tight and felt like it was on fire. I beeped the nurse and 5 of them and Dr. Silver were at my side in seconds. They stopped the infusion and gave me some more Benadryl and more steroids. Waited for those to finish and then we waited about 15 minutes before starting the infusion again. This time, they slowed down the drip and I tolerated that much better. When Jade noticed I was doing fine, she upped the speed back to normal and I was fine after that. Next week, we're going to start the infusion slow and work our way back up to normal speed.
What a weird sensation that was. My chest was broken out into a rash and the tips of my ears were hot as were my neck and face. Never had an allergic reaction before. But they've seen this so much, they knew exactly what to do. I was safe.
An amazing thing happened today too. While we were waiting for the doctor, there was a lady who was alone sitting across from us who obviously was having chemo and she had her headphones on. I noticed that she was looking over at Thom and me a bit but didn't think anything of it (we are insane, so we get looked at alot!). Towards the end of my infusion, I saw her walk by on her way out. She stopped and came back to us and told us that she's seen many couples at Dana but she has never seen a couple like us who have this extraordinary connection. She told us that she enjoyed sitting across from us and watching our interactions together. I was very touched that this stranger took time to come over and tell me what an amazing relationship Thom and I have. I've always known we do, but when someone else sees that, it makes me swell with pride and joy. I've said it before and I will always say it, I'm so lucky and blessed to have Thom.
Went to see my parents and they fed us. That will be a ritual probably from now on. Oh, and stopping at Dairy Queen on the way home!
And I found out that I will be having 4 week cycles of chemo: 3 weeks on, and 1 week off. I will see the doctor every 5 weeks (at the beginning of each new cycle). So at least now I know the routine. I wasn't sure of it last week. The doctor made it sound like it was a constant weekly thing. So I get a week off, which is nice.
I was feeling fine, just tired from all the Benadryl until 10pm tonight, then I got chills (no fever, just chills, which is weird) and muscle and joint aches. What the hell? I thought the hormone treatments were the things giving me that pain. Now I'm back to square one and not knowing what is causing the muscle and joint pain. The doctor said that I might have muscle pains, but that doesn't usually occur until 2-3 days AFTER the chemo. This is 6 hours post. We didn't leave the hospital until a little past 6, so it was a very long day for us.
Now I can't sleep. Sigh.
Met with the doctor and he had the results of the last CT scan. My liver is clean! No tumors in the liver. He did notice some fatty deposits in the liver which he said was pretty common and those deposits can sometimes raise the liver enzymes. But even though my liver was clean, he wanted to still start the chemo. I agreed.
After meeting with him, I was sent up to the "chemo suite". Hmm, was there champagne waiting? A breathtaking view? Umm, not really. I did have a view, of all the lovely cement, glass and metal buildings, and if I looked far enough toward the horizon, tilted my head and squinted, I could catch a glimpse of something green...trees perhaps? One can't be sure.
Met with my nurse, Jade, and she seems like a cool chick. Thom and I were discussing how amazing it is that there are so many nice people who work at Dana-Farber. With everything they see on a daily basis, they still have a wonderful sense of humor...which I appreciate, and enjoy! It makes the stay just a little bit easier.
Got some pre-treatments of Benadryl and Zantac. Man, the benadryl gave me some wicked bad "jimmy" legs, it felt like my legs were on fire and there were worms crawling under my skin. Those took about 20 minutes each to infuse. Then we started with the Avastin, which also took about 20 minutes. That went fine. When that was complete, we started on the Taxol, which was an hour infusion. 10 minutes into it, I felt very flush in my neck and face. I asked Thom if I looked red and he said no. Then the injection site started to burn and then immediately following that, my chest started getting tight and felt like it was on fire. I beeped the nurse and 5 of them and Dr. Silver were at my side in seconds. They stopped the infusion and gave me some more Benadryl and more steroids. Waited for those to finish and then we waited about 15 minutes before starting the infusion again. This time, they slowed down the drip and I tolerated that much better. When Jade noticed I was doing fine, she upped the speed back to normal and I was fine after that. Next week, we're going to start the infusion slow and work our way back up to normal speed.
What a weird sensation that was. My chest was broken out into a rash and the tips of my ears were hot as were my neck and face. Never had an allergic reaction before. But they've seen this so much, they knew exactly what to do. I was safe.
An amazing thing happened today too. While we were waiting for the doctor, there was a lady who was alone sitting across from us who obviously was having chemo and she had her headphones on. I noticed that she was looking over at Thom and me a bit but didn't think anything of it (we are insane, so we get looked at alot!). Towards the end of my infusion, I saw her walk by on her way out. She stopped and came back to us and told us that she's seen many couples at Dana but she has never seen a couple like us who have this extraordinary connection. She told us that she enjoyed sitting across from us and watching our interactions together. I was very touched that this stranger took time to come over and tell me what an amazing relationship Thom and I have. I've always known we do, but when someone else sees that, it makes me swell with pride and joy. I've said it before and I will always say it, I'm so lucky and blessed to have Thom.
Went to see my parents and they fed us. That will be a ritual probably from now on. Oh, and stopping at Dairy Queen on the way home!
And I found out that I will be having 4 week cycles of chemo: 3 weeks on, and 1 week off. I will see the doctor every 5 weeks (at the beginning of each new cycle). So at least now I know the routine. I wasn't sure of it last week. The doctor made it sound like it was a constant weekly thing. So I get a week off, which is nice.
I was feeling fine, just tired from all the Benadryl until 10pm tonight, then I got chills (no fever, just chills, which is weird) and muscle and joint aches. What the hell? I thought the hormone treatments were the things giving me that pain. Now I'm back to square one and not knowing what is causing the muscle and joint pain. The doctor said that I might have muscle pains, but that doesn't usually occur until 2-3 days AFTER the chemo. This is 6 hours post. We didn't leave the hospital until a little past 6, so it was a very long day for us.
Now I can't sleep. Sigh.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Next Chapter
I've waited to post this new entry, trying to get a grip on things.
Went to see the oncologist on Friday, he wanted blood taken to see where the cancer markers stood. The only one that came back was the CEA. It went from 17.1 in February to 37.4. He told me that although he's had patients who've had CEA's in the thousands, and mine wasn't an "emergency", he's concerned that the pattern was going in the wrong direction. He was also concerned about my liver enzymes. My ALT/SGPT was 82 and my AST/SGOT was 48, both high. He was concerned enough about the enzymes that he ordered an impromptu CT scan. Although I just had a CT scan in February and my liver was clean, he's concerned that the cancer has now spread to my liver. (My liver, my liver...) <---That was an old Beavis and Butthead reference.
I haven't gotten the results of the CT Scan yet, so I don't know if it's in my liver. I'm still feeling fine, which is a kick in the teeth. How can I have cancer? I feel fine, I look fine. I'm still feeling betrayed by my body. How could this have happened? I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I don't drink. Granted, exercise to me is like the plague, but still. How could it turn on me like this?
In response to these new developments, he wants to start chemotherapy. I will be having my first dose of poison on Friday, May 15th. This will be a WEEKLY thing, every Friday, I will have to go into Dana-Farber and subject myself to chemo. He's starting me on a cocktail of Taxol/Avastin. Wish it was a good cocktail, like that peachy dreamy concoction from the Outback Steakhouse, the Wallaby Damned. Mmmm.
The infusion will last about 3-4 hours. Want to hear the kicker? The substance that the chemo is suspended in is Cremaphor...which many people are allergic to. So...I have to take steroids 12 hours prior and the day of the infusion. I mean really? It's not bad enough, but now I have to worry about an allergic reaction? Damn it all together.
Some of the lovely side effects? You know there are some. Let's see, where do I start? Tingling of the hands and feet, which gets worse with each subsequent dose. WONDERFUL! Do you know how frickin annoying it is when your hands and/or feet fall asleep and then they start to wake up? I'll be feeling that on a day-to-day basis. Muscle pain, high blood pressure, low platelet blood cell count, which may cause nose bleeds or other bleeding, slow wound healing, and hair loss. The only positive thing is that he hasn't seen nausea in his patients on this combo. At least I won't be puking in the toilet.
I have an appointment to have a wig fitting on May 22nd at the Friend's Boutique at Dana-Farber. I'll be cutting my hair...again. I'm not cutting it until after I actually get dosed with the stuff. Thom was cute, he told me that he'd shave his head when I lose my hair. Solidarity! I was also wondering what my head looks like...will it have weird bumps? It's going to be pale, so I'll have to tan it a bit so it doesn't blind people in the sunlight. :) I'll be getting a bunch of funky wigs, pinks and purples etc. Might as well have fun with it. I was also thinking of having it tattooed with Henna, I think that would be groovy. It's not permanent, so at least if I don't like it, it'll go away. I won't have to worry about having a "bad" hair day...I'll just have a "NO HAIR" day...I already have a baseball cap that reads "No Hair Day". I'll wear pretty scarves and hats and stuff...I can get a wide-brimmed hat, put on sunglasses and pretend I'm Jackie O hiding out from the paparazzi! "No, I'm sorry, I have no comment today."
Aside from all that, I have to admit, I'm pretty scared. There's no "cycle", like after 8 weeks, we'll reevaluate. It sounds to me like I'll be on this constantly. Does this mean I'll never have hair again? Will I be on chemo for the rest of my life? I don't know the answers. Dr. Silver said that we can take a break if we want to go on vacation and stuff, but other than that, it sounds like it'll be constant. He repeated that although I'll never be "cured", the best we can do is keep the cancer beaten into submission. He seems optimistic, which makes me feel better. I've also had the feeling that chemo was in my future. I'm almost glad, I didn't have much faith in the hormone therapy. It did it's job, but it's time to bring in the big guns. I'm ready, I think. I also have a feeling in my heart that this will work.
Funny, but I had a memory. When I was about 10-12, I always had the thought that I was going to "get" cancer. Just had that feeling. And I had the feeling that I would not have children. Why am I telling you these things? Seems like I knew the future before it happened. But as a kid, you just brush those things aside, didn't pay much attention to them. Maybe we are all a little clairvoyant. Or maybe, just me.
In other news, Captain Cinnamon Buns (LMAO, aka Captain Mayo) is moving again...to the other side of Dubai. His plane is still not working. Keep those postcards and cards coming Jim, they brighten my day like you'd never know. I miss you. Gasp! Did I just say that?! Delete, delete! ;)
I have some good news, my unemployment checks finally kicked in! Leave it to the good ole State of Massachusetts to save money where they can...instead of just sending out ONE big check, they sent me 8 INDIVIDUAL checks, all on the same day. Gotta love it. So at least we have a little more money coming in. That was a relief.
Still no job prospects. But now I'm thinking...do I want to go back to work? How do I handle this at an interview?
"Yes, I would like to work for you, but I can only work 4 days a week and I will be needing every Friday off because I have to go into Boston and get chemo." But please, hire me. I think this will put a damper on any job prospects I may have had. I'll have to reevaluate this at a later date.
I may be posting more often, like on a weekly basis to talk about how I'm doing on the chemo, etc. Sorry I've been negligent on my posting lately. But...it's my blog, and I will blog if I want to. Ha!
Saw the new Star Trek movie! Loved it!! The casting was perfect I thought. Well done.
Until next time, "Live long and prosper."
Went to see the oncologist on Friday, he wanted blood taken to see where the cancer markers stood. The only one that came back was the CEA. It went from 17.1 in February to 37.4. He told me that although he's had patients who've had CEA's in the thousands, and mine wasn't an "emergency", he's concerned that the pattern was going in the wrong direction. He was also concerned about my liver enzymes. My ALT/SGPT was 82 and my AST/SGOT was 48, both high. He was concerned enough about the enzymes that he ordered an impromptu CT scan. Although I just had a CT scan in February and my liver was clean, he's concerned that the cancer has now spread to my liver. (My liver, my liver...) <---That was an old Beavis and Butthead reference.
I haven't gotten the results of the CT Scan yet, so I don't know if it's in my liver. I'm still feeling fine, which is a kick in the teeth. How can I have cancer? I feel fine, I look fine. I'm still feeling betrayed by my body. How could this have happened? I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I don't drink. Granted, exercise to me is like the plague, but still. How could it turn on me like this?
In response to these new developments, he wants to start chemotherapy. I will be having my first dose of poison on Friday, May 15th. This will be a WEEKLY thing, every Friday, I will have to go into Dana-Farber and subject myself to chemo. He's starting me on a cocktail of Taxol/Avastin. Wish it was a good cocktail, like that peachy dreamy concoction from the Outback Steakhouse, the Wallaby Damned. Mmmm.
The infusion will last about 3-4 hours. Want to hear the kicker? The substance that the chemo is suspended in is Cremaphor...which many people are allergic to. So...I have to take steroids 12 hours prior and the day of the infusion. I mean really? It's not bad enough, but now I have to worry about an allergic reaction? Damn it all together.
Some of the lovely side effects? You know there are some. Let's see, where do I start? Tingling of the hands and feet, which gets worse with each subsequent dose. WONDERFUL! Do you know how frickin annoying it is when your hands and/or feet fall asleep and then they start to wake up? I'll be feeling that on a day-to-day basis. Muscle pain, high blood pressure, low platelet blood cell count, which may cause nose bleeds or other bleeding, slow wound healing, and hair loss. The only positive thing is that he hasn't seen nausea in his patients on this combo. At least I won't be puking in the toilet.
I have an appointment to have a wig fitting on May 22nd at the Friend's Boutique at Dana-Farber. I'll be cutting my hair...again. I'm not cutting it until after I actually get dosed with the stuff. Thom was cute, he told me that he'd shave his head when I lose my hair. Solidarity! I was also wondering what my head looks like...will it have weird bumps? It's going to be pale, so I'll have to tan it a bit so it doesn't blind people in the sunlight. :) I'll be getting a bunch of funky wigs, pinks and purples etc. Might as well have fun with it. I was also thinking of having it tattooed with Henna, I think that would be groovy. It's not permanent, so at least if I don't like it, it'll go away. I won't have to worry about having a "bad" hair day...I'll just have a "NO HAIR" day...I already have a baseball cap that reads "No Hair Day". I'll wear pretty scarves and hats and stuff...I can get a wide-brimmed hat, put on sunglasses and pretend I'm Jackie O hiding out from the paparazzi! "No, I'm sorry, I have no comment today."
Aside from all that, I have to admit, I'm pretty scared. There's no "cycle", like after 8 weeks, we'll reevaluate. It sounds to me like I'll be on this constantly. Does this mean I'll never have hair again? Will I be on chemo for the rest of my life? I don't know the answers. Dr. Silver said that we can take a break if we want to go on vacation and stuff, but other than that, it sounds like it'll be constant. He repeated that although I'll never be "cured", the best we can do is keep the cancer beaten into submission. He seems optimistic, which makes me feel better. I've also had the feeling that chemo was in my future. I'm almost glad, I didn't have much faith in the hormone therapy. It did it's job, but it's time to bring in the big guns. I'm ready, I think. I also have a feeling in my heart that this will work.
Funny, but I had a memory. When I was about 10-12, I always had the thought that I was going to "get" cancer. Just had that feeling. And I had the feeling that I would not have children. Why am I telling you these things? Seems like I knew the future before it happened. But as a kid, you just brush those things aside, didn't pay much attention to them. Maybe we are all a little clairvoyant. Or maybe, just me.
In other news, Captain Cinnamon Buns (LMAO, aka Captain Mayo) is moving again...to the other side of Dubai. His plane is still not working. Keep those postcards and cards coming Jim, they brighten my day like you'd never know. I miss you. Gasp! Did I just say that?! Delete, delete! ;)
I have some good news, my unemployment checks finally kicked in! Leave it to the good ole State of Massachusetts to save money where they can...instead of just sending out ONE big check, they sent me 8 INDIVIDUAL checks, all on the same day. Gotta love it. So at least we have a little more money coming in. That was a relief.
Still no job prospects. But now I'm thinking...do I want to go back to work? How do I handle this at an interview?
"Yes, I would like to work for you, but I can only work 4 days a week and I will be needing every Friday off because I have to go into Boston and get chemo." But please, hire me. I think this will put a damper on any job prospects I may have had. I'll have to reevaluate this at a later date.
I may be posting more often, like on a weekly basis to talk about how I'm doing on the chemo, etc. Sorry I've been negligent on my posting lately. But...it's my blog, and I will blog if I want to. Ha!
Saw the new Star Trek movie! Loved it!! The casting was perfect I thought. Well done.
Until next time, "Live long and prosper."
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
2 Years
On Saturday, it was 2 years since my diagnosis. It's still bittersweet to me, Thom wants to make a day to celebrate. I mean, it's great that it's been 2 years, I feel pretty good and I'm doing well with my treatment. On the flip side, it's been 2 years that my life changed forever. I'm trying to think of it as a good thing.
Still unemployed. Unemployment hasn't kicked in yet, so it's been a rough 2 months.
Other than that, things have been quiet. The weather has been beautiful, the dogs are loving it.
Pretty boring report, hopefully, I'll have more to write about soon!
I see the doctor on May 8th in Boston, we're going to discuss the treatment. No scans because I had a scan in February, so we're going to look at the cancer markers that we track in the blood to figure out if the treatment is still working or if we need to change things up. I'll let you know.
OH, if you leave me a comment, please tell me who you are! In my last post, there was a comment about a massage? and the person didn't leave their name, I can't figure out who it was that left it...truth be told...it freaked me out a little! :) Thanks!
Still unemployed. Unemployment hasn't kicked in yet, so it's been a rough 2 months.
Other than that, things have been quiet. The weather has been beautiful, the dogs are loving it.
Pretty boring report, hopefully, I'll have more to write about soon!
I see the doctor on May 8th in Boston, we're going to discuss the treatment. No scans because I had a scan in February, so we're going to look at the cancer markers that we track in the blood to figure out if the treatment is still working or if we need to change things up. I'll let you know.
OH, if you leave me a comment, please tell me who you are! In my last post, there was a comment about a massage? and the person didn't leave their name, I can't figure out who it was that left it...truth be told...it freaked me out a little! :) Thanks!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
In a Funk
I've been in a funk (what's that smell??) since I've lost my job about a month ago. I don't feel like I have a purpose anymore...not that controlling documents was a life-saving job anyways, but it gave me something to do.
Lately, my day usually consists of:
-not sleeping the previous night because I can't shut my mind off
-seeing Thom off to work
-staying in bed watching Angel and Charmed until 11am or so
-get up, maybe eat some lunch
-look for a job
-stay in my pj's all day because I'm too lazy to get dressed
-lather, rinse, repeat
I don't mind being at home, but I feel lost.
Everytime I look for a job, I get all stressed out because I keep thinking of the job that I had and that I won't ever find another job like that in Worcester that paid me some decent money. Sigh.
Purpose. That word reminded me of something. Growing up, I read the kid's magazine, "Highlights - Fun with a purpose." For the longest time, I thought it read, "Highlights - Fun with a porpoise." I always wondered what a dolphin had to do with anything, but I went with it. Then, when I got older, I realized it read Purpose, not porpoise. I still laugh about that today. So go out today and have fun with a porpoise!!
This friday I'm meeting up with a bunch of friends from ex-work to hang out and catch up. I'm looking forward to it, I miss those guys. They always made my day. They used to always wonder and ask me how I can smile all the time. What they didn't realize was that THEY were the reason I was always smiling. Just seeing them made me break out into a huge grin. They are the smartest, funniest, REAL people I've ever met. Maybe it wasn't the job that gave me purpose, it was them. They are what I miss the most and a huge hole has been left in me. I cry everytime I think of them (like I am right now). Deep sigh.
But look, it's now 8:30 and I'm up, showered, dressed in clothes and not pjs, I've eaten breakfast and I have a couple of phone calls to make. I'm going to try to get back into some semblance of a routine. It may mean taking a nap in the afternoon, but at least I'm up. Trying to get back to "normal", whatever that may be.
I've also been tossing the idea around about writing a book. But then I'm thinking, "What do I know about writing a book?" I feel I write like I talk, and I know nothing of protagonists and antagonists and having a plot, etc. What will the book be about? I guess me. So that gets me to thinking, "Who the hell would want to read a book about me? Who the hell am I?" Aside from you, my loyal readers, I can't see it being a best seller! :) I have a rough outline done already, to give some direction, but I also babble and go off on tangents. So who knows if this will ever come to fruition.
Speaking of writers, my sister Lizz, is an AWESOME writer! She writes what I consider "author-worthy" stuff. This is just a sample of her writing:
Wow, I was just blown away by this. The comparison between a symphony and murder was breathtaking. It's visual, it holds your attention and it's raw. Awesome job, Lizz, I'm so proud of you!!
Lately, my day usually consists of:
-not sleeping the previous night because I can't shut my mind off
-seeing Thom off to work
-staying in bed watching Angel and Charmed until 11am or so
-get up, maybe eat some lunch
-look for a job
-stay in my pj's all day because I'm too lazy to get dressed
-lather, rinse, repeat
I don't mind being at home, but I feel lost.
Everytime I look for a job, I get all stressed out because I keep thinking of the job that I had and that I won't ever find another job like that in Worcester that paid me some decent money. Sigh.
Purpose. That word reminded me of something. Growing up, I read the kid's magazine, "Highlights - Fun with a purpose." For the longest time, I thought it read, "Highlights - Fun with a porpoise." I always wondered what a dolphin had to do with anything, but I went with it. Then, when I got older, I realized it read Purpose, not porpoise. I still laugh about that today. So go out today and have fun with a porpoise!!
This friday I'm meeting up with a bunch of friends from ex-work to hang out and catch up. I'm looking forward to it, I miss those guys. They always made my day. They used to always wonder and ask me how I can smile all the time. What they didn't realize was that THEY were the reason I was always smiling. Just seeing them made me break out into a huge grin. They are the smartest, funniest, REAL people I've ever met. Maybe it wasn't the job that gave me purpose, it was them. They are what I miss the most and a huge hole has been left in me. I cry everytime I think of them (like I am right now). Deep sigh.
But look, it's now 8:30 and I'm up, showered, dressed in clothes and not pjs, I've eaten breakfast and I have a couple of phone calls to make. I'm going to try to get back into some semblance of a routine. It may mean taking a nap in the afternoon, but at least I'm up. Trying to get back to "normal", whatever that may be.
I've also been tossing the idea around about writing a book. But then I'm thinking, "What do I know about writing a book?" I feel I write like I talk, and I know nothing of protagonists and antagonists and having a plot, etc. What will the book be about? I guess me. So that gets me to thinking, "Who the hell would want to read a book about me? Who the hell am I?" Aside from you, my loyal readers, I can't see it being a best seller! :) I have a rough outline done already, to give some direction, but I also babble and go off on tangents. So who knows if this will ever come to fruition.
Speaking of writers, my sister Lizz, is an AWESOME writer! She writes what I consider "author-worthy" stuff. This is just a sample of her writing:
Warning: the following may be disturbing to some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised. But, please let me know what you think...
The bushes serve me well in my purpose. I have become rather proficient at waiting. The suspense is sometimes enough to satisfy me. Finally, you emerge and walk steadily across the deserted lot, your wedding ring reflecting a light that gains no entrance to my unblinking eye. My heart pounds in my ears as my attention shifts momentarily to the weapon of your reckoning and the instrument of my masterpiece: the knife, it weighs heavy in my pocket. Its handle feels good in my hand. I long to wield it all about your body like a maestro conducting his orchestra. But, I release my grasp with a heavy heart for you just turned around and went back inside, most likely to gather an escort for your second attempt to your car.
It was as if you knew eyes were upon you. It was as if you could smell my hatred for you. Now, I must return home and wait for your arrival with a loosened tie, all the while rehearsing my performance of the hard day I should have had for when you ask me how it was.
The man behind the bushes reveals his true intent. The man you see at home is but a shadow of the one he wants to be. Until then, I wait for the perfect moment when I can have you where I want you. I can envision it so clearly. I will close my fingers around the back of your slender neck, staring into the eyes that once loved me. And, with one final swish of my knife across your throat, I conclude the symphony of your screams and bow my head to accept the applause.
Wow, I was just blown away by this. The comparison between a symphony and murder was breathtaking. It's visual, it holds your attention and it's raw. Awesome job, Lizz, I'm so proud of you!!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Unemployed
On March 3rd, I lost my job at Athena Diagnostics. It's been rough because I really enjoyed that job and I had a lot of friends there.
Sleep hasn't come easy because of the stress of not having a steady second income coming in.
Other than the stress, I've been enjoying my time at home. I've been getting plenty of sleep, so I'm as tired as I have been, I have some energy now and I've been able to do stuff around the house that I've been neglecting. It's good for the body, giving it the amount of rest it needs. Lately, I've been in a constant state of exhaustion.
But I miss my friends. No one at work is telling them the real story, so they are angry, upset, sad and scared for their own jobs. It bothers me when upper management doesn't explain things to their employees, instead, letting people gossip and speculate about what really happened. It's sad.
I've begun the job hunting in earnest, looking at both monster.com and careerbuilder.com. I'm going to give my name to some headhunters also and see where it takes me. I think I'm interested in doing some administrative assisting, something where I can use my organizational skills and my OCD! :) I'm also trying to stay in Worcester.
Captain Mayo is leaving tomorrow. His plane is not ready, and his company has decided to sue the mechanic. The damn plane's been broken since September. The timing sucks because now I'm home and he's leaving!
I got the results from my latest scan and my liver is clear. Those ER doctors had told me that they saw some spots on my liver, so my oncologist wanted to be sure there was nothing. And there isn't, so that's good.
I've joined a book club. It's mostly people from ex-work. I love it because it forces me to read. I love to read, but always find something else to do. We've read some good books and it's lots of fun. Intelligent conversation, fun times, friends.
That's basically it from my part of the world. Sorry I've been out of touch for awhile.
Sleep hasn't come easy because of the stress of not having a steady second income coming in.
Other than the stress, I've been enjoying my time at home. I've been getting plenty of sleep, so I'm as tired as I have been, I have some energy now and I've been able to do stuff around the house that I've been neglecting. It's good for the body, giving it the amount of rest it needs. Lately, I've been in a constant state of exhaustion.
But I miss my friends. No one at work is telling them the real story, so they are angry, upset, sad and scared for their own jobs. It bothers me when upper management doesn't explain things to their employees, instead, letting people gossip and speculate about what really happened. It's sad.
I've begun the job hunting in earnest, looking at both monster.com and careerbuilder.com. I'm going to give my name to some headhunters also and see where it takes me. I think I'm interested in doing some administrative assisting, something where I can use my organizational skills and my OCD! :) I'm also trying to stay in Worcester.
Captain Mayo is leaving tomorrow. His plane is not ready, and his company has decided to sue the mechanic. The damn plane's been broken since September. The timing sucks because now I'm home and he's leaving!
I got the results from my latest scan and my liver is clear. Those ER doctors had told me that they saw some spots on my liver, so my oncologist wanted to be sure there was nothing. And there isn't, so that's good.
I've joined a book club. It's mostly people from ex-work. I love it because it forces me to read. I love to read, but always find something else to do. We've read some good books and it's lots of fun. Intelligent conversation, fun times, friends.
That's basically it from my part of the world. Sorry I've been out of touch for awhile.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The Fork
So we have this fork at home...it's kind of old, been through the ringer. It's bent out of shape, the tines all messed up and not even. The bend of the fork is a bit off too. All in all, it's a sad-looking fork. Must've gotten caught in the mechanisms in the dishwasher. But we still have it. It has a name. We call it the fucked-up fork.
We try to avoid using it when we eat. It's usually always the last fork in the drawer. There it is, sitting in the utensil drawer, all by itself. Pathetic.
Every once in awhile, we'll try to trick each other and give the other the fork. We try to be subtle about it so the other doesn't notice. We'll stick it in the plate under the food, so you have to eat with it to figure out it's THE fork. Then we turn and yell at the other, "UH, you gave me the fucked-up fork, what the hell?! NICE!" And so it goes, back and forth.
The other night, I made dinner, but I forgot to hide the fork. I placed it on the table in front of Thom. I didn't think he'd notice because he was on the laptop. I brought in dinner and then left the room to get drinks. I sit down to eat, happy that he's got THE fork and I waited for his reaction...
Meanwhile, he's looking at me with this "I ate the canary" grin and I'm wondering why the hell he's looking at me like that. I took a mouthful of food.
"UH! You gave ME the fucked-up fork, what the hell?!?! I had given it to you and you SWITCHED them when I was out of the room! UH!"
My friend Sue says "Hi!" to all of you out there in cyberspace!
We try to avoid using it when we eat. It's usually always the last fork in the drawer. There it is, sitting in the utensil drawer, all by itself. Pathetic.
Every once in awhile, we'll try to trick each other and give the other the fork. We try to be subtle about it so the other doesn't notice. We'll stick it in the plate under the food, so you have to eat with it to figure out it's THE fork. Then we turn and yell at the other, "UH, you gave me the fucked-up fork, what the hell?! NICE!" And so it goes, back and forth.
The other night, I made dinner, but I forgot to hide the fork. I placed it on the table in front of Thom. I didn't think he'd notice because he was on the laptop. I brought in dinner and then left the room to get drinks. I sit down to eat, happy that he's got THE fork and I waited for his reaction...
Meanwhile, he's looking at me with this "I ate the canary" grin and I'm wondering why the hell he's looking at me like that. I took a mouthful of food.
"UH! You gave ME the fucked-up fork, what the hell?!?! I had given it to you and you SWITCHED them when I was out of the room! UH!"
My friend Sue says "Hi!" to all of you out there in cyberspace!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Long Nights
It's amazing how long the night is when you are fully awake, staring into the darkness. Last night was a pretty long night. I was up until 5:00am. I'm trying not to take any more percosets because I'll be going back to work soon, but at 5am, I gave up and took one. Slept until 12:30 this afternoon. It's crazy, the pain is always much worse at night.
My schedule is all messed up now. Since I was in the hospital, I haven't had a good night's sleep. Sleeping at times I'm supposed to be awake, awake when I'm supposed to be asleep. Nothing to do...but think.
The hole in my back is pretty much healed up, but the pain is not gone. It's much better, mind you, but still present. I have my follow-up appointment with my doctor tomorrow, so we'll see what he says.
This has by far been the worst pain of my life...so far. I'm thankful that the drugs they gave me helped me to forget, I don't remember much. The last thing I remember is being in the radiology hallway in my stretcher, waiting to go in to get the tube placed in my back. A doctor came out and told me what to expect, and she was going to give me some "happy juice". That's the last thing I remember. Next thing I know, I'm in my hospital bed, I don't even remember the recovery room. I was told that I was in the recovery room longer than they expected.
Thom told me it's a good thing I don't remember because he said that I was miserable. I was in a lot of pain and I told him that this was the worst pain ever.
They got all the stones from the left side. I can't remember how many the doctor removed, but it was more than 2. I had asked him in the office when I first met him if I could keep one of the stones, and he just looked at me and told me that was crazy. I want to see what these buggers look like, these things that are the cause of so much pain. Not so crazy, kind of natural I would think, to want to see something like this. Maybe a little weird, but not crazy.
Libby came over yesterday for a Saw movie marathon. We watched all 5 Saw movies and it was the most intense, stressful (in a good way) 10 hours!! Great movies, lots of gore and blood, not for the fainthearted. All 5 movies intertwined, but Libby and I still have some questions, which better be answered in the 6th movie! I marveled at the ingeniousness (is that a word) of the torture devices used in those movies. How twisted of a mind must you have to even dream up such mechanisms for a movie?? Brilliant. Thanks to Thom for going out and buying the 5th movie so that we could finish the marathon properly!
Tomorrow I have doctor appointments, one with the urologist in the morning, and then I have to go into Boston to Dana-Farber for the CT Scan I was supposed to have two weeks ago. I messed it up by eating, so I had to reschedule. It's going to be a long day.
I want to thank you all for the good wishes and thoughts! It's nice not having to work, but I think next time, I will choose a less painful way to stay out of work! :) The weather has been so mild, but I haven't gotten to enjoy it.
My schedule is all messed up now. Since I was in the hospital, I haven't had a good night's sleep. Sleeping at times I'm supposed to be awake, awake when I'm supposed to be asleep. Nothing to do...but think.
The hole in my back is pretty much healed up, but the pain is not gone. It's much better, mind you, but still present. I have my follow-up appointment with my doctor tomorrow, so we'll see what he says.
This has by far been the worst pain of my life...so far. I'm thankful that the drugs they gave me helped me to forget, I don't remember much. The last thing I remember is being in the radiology hallway in my stretcher, waiting to go in to get the tube placed in my back. A doctor came out and told me what to expect, and she was going to give me some "happy juice". That's the last thing I remember. Next thing I know, I'm in my hospital bed, I don't even remember the recovery room. I was told that I was in the recovery room longer than they expected.
Thom told me it's a good thing I don't remember because he said that I was miserable. I was in a lot of pain and I told him that this was the worst pain ever.
They got all the stones from the left side. I can't remember how many the doctor removed, but it was more than 2. I had asked him in the office when I first met him if I could keep one of the stones, and he just looked at me and told me that was crazy. I want to see what these buggers look like, these things that are the cause of so much pain. Not so crazy, kind of natural I would think, to want to see something like this. Maybe a little weird, but not crazy.
Libby came over yesterday for a Saw movie marathon. We watched all 5 Saw movies and it was the most intense, stressful (in a good way) 10 hours!! Great movies, lots of gore and blood, not for the fainthearted. All 5 movies intertwined, but Libby and I still have some questions, which better be answered in the 6th movie! I marveled at the ingeniousness (is that a word) of the torture devices used in those movies. How twisted of a mind must you have to even dream up such mechanisms for a movie?? Brilliant. Thanks to Thom for going out and buying the 5th movie so that we could finish the marathon properly!
Tomorrow I have doctor appointments, one with the urologist in the morning, and then I have to go into Boston to Dana-Farber for the CT Scan I was supposed to have two weeks ago. I messed it up by eating, so I had to reschedule. It's going to be a long day.
I want to thank you all for the good wishes and thoughts! It's nice not having to work, but I think next time, I will choose a less painful way to stay out of work! :) The weather has been so mild, but I haven't gotten to enjoy it.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Kidney Stones and Surgery
I ended up in the emergency room on the Tuesday we came back from Maine. I hate going to the ER. Not because I'm sick enough to go, but because I hate dealing with ER doctors.
They got all excited because I'm a 36 year old woman with metastatic breast cancer. They're excited because they think it's going to be something exciting and they think that they can somehow cure me. I see the doctor and I tell him that I have kidney stones on both sides. He didn't believe me. He said it was rare to have stones on both sides. I told him "I'm not your usual patient." He was telling me that the pain could be caused by blood clots due to my "history." They were so focused on the cancer that they didn't want to treat the stones. It's so frustrating.
Went for the CT Scan and got the results back. Guess what? I had kidney stones on both sides. Didn't see the doctor again, I dealt with the Physician's Assistant for the rest of my stay. I couldn't even rub it in that I was right and he's an idiot.
I had a 1.3cm stone on my left side, along with smaller ones, and a 0.6cm on my right. I opted for surgery on my left because it was too big to blast, it would take 4 or 5 sessions to blast it, so I just wanted to get it over and done with.
Had surgery of the 5th. This has been the worst pain I've been through yet. I ended up staying in the recovery room for a little longer than expected and I was only supposed to stay in the hospital overnight, but it turned into 2 days because the pain was bad.
I'm home now and feeling a bit better. I mean, I do have a hole in my back, so it's not fun. My parents came over today and brought over tons of food, it was awesome to see them. Thanks mom and dad!
I have the next week off to recover.
Thanks to Libby and Melissa for stopping in to visit me at the hospital, in all my glory!
They got all excited because I'm a 36 year old woman with metastatic breast cancer. They're excited because they think it's going to be something exciting and they think that they can somehow cure me. I see the doctor and I tell him that I have kidney stones on both sides. He didn't believe me. He said it was rare to have stones on both sides. I told him "I'm not your usual patient." He was telling me that the pain could be caused by blood clots due to my "history." They were so focused on the cancer that they didn't want to treat the stones. It's so frustrating.
Went for the CT Scan and got the results back. Guess what? I had kidney stones on both sides. Didn't see the doctor again, I dealt with the Physician's Assistant for the rest of my stay. I couldn't even rub it in that I was right and he's an idiot.
I had a 1.3cm stone on my left side, along with smaller ones, and a 0.6cm on my right. I opted for surgery on my left because it was too big to blast, it would take 4 or 5 sessions to blast it, so I just wanted to get it over and done with.
Had surgery of the 5th. This has been the worst pain I've been through yet. I ended up staying in the recovery room for a little longer than expected and I was only supposed to stay in the hospital overnight, but it turned into 2 days because the pain was bad.
I'm home now and feeling a bit better. I mean, I do have a hole in my back, so it's not fun. My parents came over today and brought over tons of food, it was awesome to see them. Thanks mom and dad!
I have the next week off to recover.
Thanks to Libby and Melissa for stopping in to visit me at the hospital, in all my glory!
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