I got my biopsy results last night, and I heard the 2 worst words I could've heard:
Invasive
Aggressive
Surgery has been cancelled. I'm waiting on a phone call from the oncologist, the one who will be administering the chemotherapy.
It's weird how so many things come rushing into your head in a matter of seconds. I've never felt such pure terror in my life - Ever.
My first thought: I don't want to die.
My second thought: What about Thom? I don't want to leave him.
My third thought: FUCK
Just put that on automatic replay and you get the idea.
Thom said that we can fight this, that I can do this. I'm not feeling too strong right now.
I thought I had a grip on this, I was doing so well. I was at peace with the knowledge that I was going to lose both my breasts, as long as the cancer didn't spread elsewhere in my body. Now this. My worst nightmare realized.
God is a Sadist.
Been through a plethora of emotions:
Terror
Sadness
Anger
Acceptance (to some degree, or maybe the word is submission?)
Back to Terror
I'm not going to work today, I won't be able to keep up an appearance. I would love the support of Anna and Libby right now, but unfortunately, they are not the only ones at work.
Thom is home with me also. I love him so much.
Seems like this Blog is going to be somewhat therapeutic for me.
I will keep you posted. Thanks for reading.
E
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4 comments:
Emily,
Remember that Nicole's cancer was also considered invasive and aggressive. Now, 12 years later Nicole is still in remission. Not too bad for a 14 year old!
Susan LeBrun
Another thing about cancer
It is only temporary!!
Semt with much love.
Hey! Not sure what to say...But... please know that we love you, and are with you!, for whatever you need! You can beat it!!!
love you!
Stacy, Lenny & Maya
Hi Emily -
I really missed you today - even more when I found out why you weren't here. I know a lot of people who have beaten this and you can, too!! I have done the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer twice before, but didn't do it this year. I now have renewed dedication to do this again. I have a challenge for you if you are up to it. Can you check out Avon and Susan G. Komen and let me know which you think does better work? I will sign up for next year's walk for whichever one you choose. If you are not up to this, let me know and I will choose myself. I hope to see you soon!
Love, Coral
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