Next Chapter

I've waited to post this new entry, trying to get a grip on things.

Went to see the oncologist on Friday, he wanted blood taken to see where the cancer markers stood. The only one that came back was the CEA. It went from 17.1 in February to 37.4. He told me that although he's had patients who've had CEA's in the thousands, and mine wasn't an "emergency", he's concerned that the pattern was going in the wrong direction. He was also concerned about my liver enzymes. My ALT/SGPT was 82 and my AST/SGOT was 48, both high. He was concerned enough about the enzymes that he ordered an impromptu CT scan. Although I just had a CT scan in February and my liver was clean, he's concerned that the cancer has now spread to my liver. (My liver, my liver...) <---That was an old Beavis and Butthead reference.

I haven't gotten the results of the CT Scan yet, so I don't know if it's in my liver. I'm still feeling fine, which is a kick in the teeth. How can I have cancer? I feel fine, I look fine. I'm still feeling betrayed by my body. How could this have happened? I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I don't drink. Granted, exercise to me is like the plague, but still. How could it turn on me like this?

In response to these new developments, he wants to start chemotherapy. I will be having my first dose of poison on Friday, May 15th. This will be a WEEKLY thing, every Friday, I will have to go into Dana-Farber and subject myself to chemo. He's starting me on a cocktail of Taxol/Avastin. Wish it was a good cocktail, like that peachy dreamy concoction from the Outback Steakhouse, the Wallaby Damned. Mmmm.

The infusion will last about 3-4 hours. Want to hear the kicker? The substance that the chemo is suspended in is Cremaphor...which many people are allergic to. So...I have to take steroids 12 hours prior and the day of the infusion. I mean really? It's not bad enough, but now I have to worry about an allergic reaction? Damn it all together.

Some of the lovely side effects? You know there are some. Let's see, where do I start? Tingling of the hands and feet, which gets worse with each subsequent dose. WONDERFUL! Do you know how frickin annoying it is when your hands and/or feet fall asleep and then they start to wake up? I'll be feeling that on a day-to-day basis. Muscle pain, high blood pressure, low platelet blood cell count, which may cause nose bleeds or other bleeding, slow wound healing, and hair loss. The only positive thing is that he hasn't seen nausea in his patients on this combo. At least I won't be puking in the toilet.

I have an appointment to have a wig fitting on May 22nd at the Friend's Boutique at Dana-Farber. I'll be cutting my hair...again. I'm not cutting it until after I actually get dosed with the stuff. Thom was cute, he told me that he'd shave his head when I lose my hair. Solidarity! I was also wondering what my head looks like...will it have weird bumps? It's going to be pale, so I'll have to tan it a bit so it doesn't blind people in the sunlight. :) I'll be getting a bunch of funky wigs, pinks and purples etc. Might as well have fun with it. I was also thinking of having it tattooed with Henna, I think that would be groovy. It's not permanent, so at least if I don't like it, it'll go away. I won't have to worry about having a "bad" hair day...I'll just have a "NO HAIR" day...I already have a baseball cap that reads "No Hair Day". I'll wear pretty scarves and hats and stuff...I can get a wide-brimmed hat, put on sunglasses and pretend I'm Jackie O hiding out from the paparazzi! "No, I'm sorry, I have no comment today."

Aside from all that, I have to admit, I'm pretty scared. There's no "cycle", like after 8 weeks, we'll reevaluate. It sounds to me like I'll be on this constantly. Does this mean I'll never have hair again? Will I be on chemo for the rest of my life? I don't know the answers. Dr. Silver said that we can take a break if we want to go on vacation and stuff, but other than that, it sounds like it'll be constant. He repeated that although I'll never be "cured", the best we can do is keep the cancer beaten into submission. He seems optimistic, which makes me feel better. I've also had the feeling that chemo was in my future. I'm almost glad, I didn't have much faith in the hormone therapy. It did it's job, but it's time to bring in the big guns. I'm ready, I think. I also have a feeling in my heart that this will work.

Funny, but I had a memory. When I was about 10-12, I always had the thought that I was going to "get" cancer. Just had that feeling. And I had the feeling that I would not have children. Why am I telling you these things? Seems like I knew the future before it happened. But as a kid, you just brush those things aside, didn't pay much attention to them. Maybe we are all a little clairvoyant. Or maybe, just me.

In other news, Captain Cinnamon Buns (LMAO, aka Captain Mayo) is moving again...to the other side of Dubai. His plane is still not working. Keep those postcards and cards coming Jim, they brighten my day like you'd never know. I miss you. Gasp! Did I just say that?! Delete, delete! ;)

I have some good news, my unemployment checks finally kicked in! Leave it to the good ole State of Massachusetts to save money where they can...instead of just sending out ONE big check, they sent me 8 INDIVIDUAL checks, all on the same day. Gotta love it. So at least we have a little more money coming in. That was a relief.

Still no job prospects. But now I'm thinking...do I want to go back to work? How do I handle this at an interview?
"Yes, I would like to work for you, but I can only work 4 days a week and I will be needing every Friday off because I have to go into Boston and get chemo." But please, hire me. I think this will put a damper on any job prospects I may have had. I'll have to reevaluate this at a later date.

I may be posting more often, like on a weekly basis to talk about how I'm doing on the chemo, etc. Sorry I've been negligent on my posting lately. But...it's my blog, and I will blog if I want to. Ha!

Saw the new Star Trek movie! Loved it!! The casting was perfect I thought. Well done.

Until next time, "Live long and prosper."