Self Image, Fear and Inner Calm

Looking in the mirror this morning, I took a look at myself...I haven't been looking at myself lately because I was afraid of what I would see. What did I see?

I saw that familiar face staring back at me, same eyes, same mouth, same nose, cheeks and forehead. I saw surprise, fear, sadness, fatigue...and calm. I saw my head. The hair has grown to about an inch, but still very thin and very gray. My eyelashes have all but fallen out, and my eyebrows have thinned a lot. I look like a "cancer patient". Do I feel like a cancer patient? Yes, sometimes, to be honest. Sometimes I fall into that "oh whoah is me" feeling and it's hard to shake. I go through periods where I don't want to do anything. And I mean anything. I feel that abyss of depression trying to suck me in. But I wake up everyday, I don't know how NOT to go on. It's hard, but if I do one thing everyday that I either aimed to do or just happened to do, I consider that a good day. Like today...I dusted the bedroom...it took me all day, but I did it.

I've realized that I am a lazy person, even pre-cancer. I've accepted that in myself. If I could eat out every night and have someone else cook and clean, I would be happy!

If my thoughts seem scattered, I apologize. It's hard to concentrate on things for a long period of time!

Let me catch you up on what's been going on. I had a blood transfusion, and that helped me with my energy tremendously...in fact, I even went rock-climbing.


And I made it to the top!



Had treatment on Friday, my blood levels were all back to normal, so treatment went on as usual. Picked up my wig, so you may see me sometime with hair! But you all know that I don't have hair, so I'm not fooling anyone! :)

At the end of the month, I am going to visit my sister Lizz in Chicago. I'm going for a week with my mom. If you know me, you know that I have panic attacks and I hate to fly. This is probably the hardest thing I've had to do in over so many years. I haven't flown in years. It's a short flight, so I'm hoping that I will make it ok. I try to imagine myself on the plane, taxing and then taking off, and it makes me go into panics. Fear. There has never been anything in my life that has been the hardest to deal with than fear. I can handle the cancer, but I've been struggling with panic since I was 13. Nothing makes me feel weaker, less in control or downright lousy than panic. This has been my cross that I've beared for so many years. Cancer? Pfft, that's nothing. That's why I don't feel like I'm a strong person at all. I'm not, I deal with a lot of fear. What am I afraid of? Why do I let myself be taken over by fear? I don't know. But I say to myself, "What could be worse than what you're already got?!" You got the disease that people dread. I have cancer, what else could be scarier?! This trip is so important in so many ways.

But there are days where I have such an inner calm, days where I feel like I can handle anything! I like those days. Bring it on!

I've been trying to listen to my body, listen to what it wants from me. When it tells me I need to sleep, I sleep, when it tells me to slow down, I will slow down.

I had a job interview a couple of weeks ago. It was with a small landscaping company here in Brookfield, looking for an office manager. I met the guy at his house, and his parents are staying with him until their house is built. It was a very weird interview. The mother kept popping into the office putting in her two cents. She then told me that this was her dream job, but her husband won't let her quit her job because her son can't pay her enough. THEN, at the end of the interview, she told me that she's going to hate anyone that gets that job anyways, because that's the job she wants. Ok. Psycho much? Can you imagine working there and having the mom criticizing the job you do all the time because she can do it better and she wants you to fail because she wants that job? LOL That was just a weird experience. Haha