No bones about it

On July 10th, it was a Sunday, I rolled over in bed to my left and I heard a "pop" and then I heard myself crying.  We went to the hospital ER, a place I'm unfortunately used to.  Took an Xray and the doctor came back to tell me that I have a "possible" hairline fracture on my collarbone, he really couldn't tell from the Xray, but the pain signifies a fracture.  He also explained that my bones were "moth eaten", meaning they have lots of holes in it.  Sure gave me a visual.  Anyone have any mothballs?!  They told me there was nothing they could do except give me a sling and some pain meds.  Since the collarbone is not a weight-bearing bone, they can't pin it.  They can't cast it either.  ER doctors do not impress me. I can't explain how much this hurts.  You don't realize how much you need both hands until you can't use one.  The good thing is that it was my left side.  I'm a rightie so at least I can type and write.  Even in a sling, I am constantly tweaking it.  Pain shoots right to my brain, which I have documentation that I actually have a brain!!

Had another Xray at Dana-Farber and the results were more definitive.  There is a lesion right where the fracture is, and that it's clear as day.  So the tumor is eating my bone and weakened it enough that the bone just broke.  You can't see the bone through the skin or anything, but it's very tender to the touch.  Since the cancer is in the bone, it's slowly eating away at the bone.  Kinda like the old video game "Dig dug", where you have to "chomp" on the grass while staying away from the bad guys.

After meeting with the medical oncologist, we decided to have radiation.  Met with the radiation oncologist, and we are going ahead with it.  I can't get radiation while on Chemo, so I need to wait to "clean" out my system.  The radiation will be once a day for 5 days.  I got "mapped" on the machine, which means they line me up with the laser.  I got 4 tattoos, which consist of 4 dots on my skin.  This is done to make sure they line me up the same way everytime.  I'm still waiting on the time we're going to start.  The reasoning is that we kill the lesion and that in turn will allow the bone to heal, without having the pressure of the lesion against the bone.

I've had a couple of people tell me they just can't believe that I'm in pain because I don't show it.  When I'm by myself, I show it.  Other than that, you really can't tell.  They tell me I'm so "stoic".  What am I supposed to do?  Go running down the hall crying?  Complaining all the time?  Nah.  Who's going to listen anyways?  LOL

Thom has been super throughout all this.  He's taken over all the chores.  I can't tell you how much he helps.  Makes me cry as to how lucky I am.  I just don't want him to become overwhelmed with the responsibility. 

On August 4th, we lost our sweet sweet cat, Sir Winston.  Thom went downstairs to feed the animals.  Sir Winston ate extra soft food because he was so skinny due to a thyroid problem.  Winston is usually under your feet waiting to get fed.  This morning, he didn't show up.  Red Flag.  Where is he?  Thom looked around and then came up to tell me that we lost Sir Winston.  It took a second to comprehend.  I came downstairs and saw him.  He was lying underneath the sofa table.  He was in the position where he used to lie in, like he was sleeping.  I lost it.  He's the first pet I ever lost.  I was heartbroken.  I touched him, and he was so hard.  When I first picked him up from the local shelter, he came with a collar with a pewter cat tag and it had a saying on it.  I found that tag and had Thom put it on him.  He came to me with that collar, it's only right to leave him with it.  I wish I could remember what the saying was.  We buried him in the backyard.  He was such a sweet, nice kitty.  RIP

So I'm just hanging.  Hurry up and wait.