Tuesday, April 28, 2009

2 Years

On Saturday, it was 2 years since my diagnosis. It's still bittersweet to me, Thom wants to make a day to celebrate. I mean, it's great that it's been 2 years, I feel pretty good and I'm doing well with my treatment. On the flip side, it's been 2 years that my life changed forever. I'm trying to think of it as a good thing.

Still unemployed. Unemployment hasn't kicked in yet, so it's been a rough 2 months.

Other than that, things have been quiet. The weather has been beautiful, the dogs are loving it.

Pretty boring report, hopefully, I'll have more to write about soon!

I see the doctor on May 8th in Boston, we're going to discuss the treatment. No scans because I had a scan in February, so we're going to look at the cancer markers that we track in the blood to figure out if the treatment is still working or if we need to change things up. I'll let you know.

OH, if you leave me a comment, please tell me who you are! In my last post, there was a comment about a massage? and the person didn't leave their name, I can't figure out who it was that left it...truth be told...it freaked me out a little! :) Thanks!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

In a Funk

I've been in a funk (what's that smell??) since I've lost my job about a month ago. I don't feel like I have a purpose anymore...not that controlling documents was a life-saving job anyways, but it gave me something to do.

Lately, my day usually consists of:
-not sleeping the previous night because I can't shut my mind off
-seeing Thom off to work
-staying in bed watching Angel and Charmed until 11am or so
-get up, maybe eat some lunch
-look for a job
-stay in my pj's all day because I'm too lazy to get dressed
-lather, rinse, repeat

I don't mind being at home, but I feel lost.

Everytime I look for a job, I get all stressed out because I keep thinking of the job that I had and that I won't ever find another job like that in Worcester that paid me some decent money. Sigh.

Purpose. That word reminded me of something. Growing up, I read the kid's magazine, "Highlights - Fun with a purpose." For the longest time, I thought it read, "Highlights - Fun with a porpoise." I always wondered what a dolphin had to do with anything, but I went with it. Then, when I got older, I realized it read Purpose, not porpoise. I still laugh about that today. So go out today and have fun with a porpoise!!

This friday I'm meeting up with a bunch of friends from ex-work to hang out and catch up. I'm looking forward to it, I miss those guys. They always made my day. They used to always wonder and ask me how I can smile all the time. What they didn't realize was that THEY were the reason I was always smiling. Just seeing them made me break out into a huge grin. They are the smartest, funniest, REAL people I've ever met. Maybe it wasn't the job that gave me purpose, it was them. They are what I miss the most and a huge hole has been left in me. I cry everytime I think of them (like I am right now). Deep sigh.

But look, it's now 8:30 and I'm up, showered, dressed in clothes and not pjs, I've eaten breakfast and I have a couple of phone calls to make. I'm going to try to get back into some semblance of a routine. It may mean taking a nap in the afternoon, but at least I'm up. Trying to get back to "normal", whatever that may be.

I've also been tossing the idea around about writing a book. But then I'm thinking, "What do I know about writing a book?" I feel I write like I talk, and I know nothing of protagonists and antagonists and having a plot, etc. What will the book be about? I guess me. So that gets me to thinking, "Who the hell would want to read a book about me? Who the hell am I?" Aside from you, my loyal readers, I can't see it being a best seller! :) I have a rough outline done already, to give some direction, but I also babble and go off on tangents. So who knows if this will ever come to fruition.

Speaking of writers, my sister Lizz, is an AWESOME writer! She writes what I consider "author-worthy" stuff. This is just a sample of her writing:
Warning: the following may be disturbing to some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised. But, please let me know what you think...


The bushes serve me well in my purpose. I have become rather proficient at waiting. The suspense is sometimes enough to satisfy me. Finally, you emerge and walk steadily across the deserted lot, your wedding ring reflecting a light that gains no entrance to my unblinking eye. My heart pounds in my ears as my attention shifts momentarily to the weapon of your reckoning and the instrument of my masterpiece: the knife, it weighs heavy in my pocket. Its handle feels good in my hand. I long to wield it all about your body like a maestro conducting his orchestra. But, I release my grasp with a heavy heart for you just turned around and went back inside, most likely to gather an escort for your second attempt to your car.

It was as if you knew eyes were upon you. It was as if you could smell my hatred for you. Now, I must return home and wait for your arrival with a loosened tie, all the while rehearsing my performance of the hard day I should have had for when you ask me how it was.

The man behind the bushes reveals his true intent. The man you see at home is but a shadow of the one he wants to be. Until then, I wait for the perfect moment when I can have you where I want you. I can envision it so clearly. I will close my fingers around the back of your slender neck, staring into the eyes that once loved me. And, with one final swish of my knife across your throat, I conclude the symphony of your screams and bow my head to accept the applause.


Wow, I was just blown away by this. The comparison between a symphony and murder was breathtaking. It's visual, it holds your attention and it's raw. Awesome job, Lizz, I'm so proud of you!!

Friday, March 13, 2009

Unemployed

On March 3rd, I lost my job at Athena Diagnostics. It's been rough because I really enjoyed that job and I had a lot of friends there.

Sleep hasn't come easy because of the stress of not having a steady second income coming in.

Other than the stress, I've been enjoying my time at home. I've been getting plenty of sleep, so I'm as tired as I have been, I have some energy now and I've been able to do stuff around the house that I've been neglecting. It's good for the body, giving it the amount of rest it needs. Lately, I've been in a constant state of exhaustion.

But I miss my friends. No one at work is telling them the real story, so they are angry, upset, sad and scared for their own jobs. It bothers me when upper management doesn't explain things to their employees, instead, letting people gossip and speculate about what really happened. It's sad.

I've begun the job hunting in earnest, looking at both monster.com and careerbuilder.com. I'm going to give my name to some headhunters also and see where it takes me. I think I'm interested in doing some administrative assisting, something where I can use my organizational skills and my OCD! :) I'm also trying to stay in Worcester.

Captain Mayo is leaving tomorrow. His plane is not ready, and his company has decided to sue the mechanic. The damn plane's been broken since September. The timing sucks because now I'm home and he's leaving!

I got the results from my latest scan and my liver is clear. Those ER doctors had told me that they saw some spots on my liver, so my oncologist wanted to be sure there was nothing. And there isn't, so that's good.

I've joined a book club. It's mostly people from ex-work. I love it because it forces me to read. I love to read, but always find something else to do. We've read some good books and it's lots of fun. Intelligent conversation, fun times, friends.

That's basically it from my part of the world. Sorry I've been out of touch for awhile.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Fork

So we have this fork at home...it's kind of old, been through the ringer. It's bent out of shape, the tines all messed up and not even. The bend of the fork is a bit off too. All in all, it's a sad-looking fork. Must've gotten caught in the mechanisms in the dishwasher. But we still have it. It has a name. We call it the fucked-up fork.

We try to avoid using it when we eat. It's usually always the last fork in the drawer. There it is, sitting in the utensil drawer, all by itself. Pathetic.

Every once in awhile, we'll try to trick each other and give the other the fork. We try to be subtle about it so the other doesn't notice. We'll stick it in the plate under the food, so you have to eat with it to figure out it's THE fork. Then we turn and yell at the other, "UH, you gave me the fucked-up fork, what the hell?! NICE!" And so it goes, back and forth.

The other night, I made dinner, but I forgot to hide the fork. I placed it on the table in front of Thom. I didn't think he'd notice because he was on the laptop. I brought in dinner and then left the room to get drinks. I sit down to eat, happy that he's got THE fork and I waited for his reaction...

Meanwhile, he's looking at me with this "I ate the canary" grin and I'm wondering why the hell he's looking at me like that. I took a mouthful of food.

"UH! You gave ME the fucked-up fork, what the hell?!?! I had given it to you and you SWITCHED them when I was out of the room! UH!"

My friend Sue says "Hi!" to all of you out there in cyberspace!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Long Nights

It's amazing how long the night is when you are fully awake, staring into the darkness. Last night was a pretty long night. I was up until 5:00am. I'm trying not to take any more percosets because I'll be going back to work soon, but at 5am, I gave up and took one. Slept until 12:30 this afternoon. It's crazy, the pain is always much worse at night.

My schedule is all messed up now. Since I was in the hospital, I haven't had a good night's sleep. Sleeping at times I'm supposed to be awake, awake when I'm supposed to be asleep. Nothing to do...but think.

The hole in my back is pretty much healed up, but the pain is not gone. It's much better, mind you, but still present. I have my follow-up appointment with my doctor tomorrow, so we'll see what he says.

This has by far been the worst pain of my life...so far. I'm thankful that the drugs they gave me helped me to forget, I don't remember much. The last thing I remember is being in the radiology hallway in my stretcher, waiting to go in to get the tube placed in my back. A doctor came out and told me what to expect, and she was going to give me some "happy juice". That's the last thing I remember. Next thing I know, I'm in my hospital bed, I don't even remember the recovery room. I was told that I was in the recovery room longer than they expected.

Thom told me it's a good thing I don't remember because he said that I was miserable. I was in a lot of pain and I told him that this was the worst pain ever.

They got all the stones from the left side. I can't remember how many the doctor removed, but it was more than 2. I had asked him in the office when I first met him if I could keep one of the stones, and he just looked at me and told me that was crazy. I want to see what these buggers look like, these things that are the cause of so much pain. Not so crazy, kind of natural I would think, to want to see something like this. Maybe a little weird, but not crazy.

Libby came over yesterday for a Saw movie marathon. We watched all 5 Saw movies and it was the most intense, stressful (in a good way) 10 hours!! Great movies, lots of gore and blood, not for the fainthearted. All 5 movies intertwined, but Libby and I still have some questions, which better be answered in the 6th movie! I marveled at the ingeniousness (is that a word) of the torture devices used in those movies. How twisted of a mind must you have to even dream up such mechanisms for a movie?? Brilliant. Thanks to Thom for going out and buying the 5th movie so that we could finish the marathon properly!

Tomorrow I have doctor appointments, one with the urologist in the morning, and then I have to go into Boston to Dana-Farber for the CT Scan I was supposed to have two weeks ago. I messed it up by eating, so I had to reschedule. It's going to be a long day.

I want to thank you all for the good wishes and thoughts! It's nice not having to work, but I think next time, I will choose a less painful way to stay out of work! :) The weather has been so mild, but I haven't gotten to enjoy it.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Kidney Stones and Surgery

I ended up in the emergency room on the Tuesday we came back from Maine. I hate going to the ER. Not because I'm sick enough to go, but because I hate dealing with ER doctors.

They got all excited because I'm a 36 year old woman with metastatic breast cancer. They're excited because they think it's going to be something exciting and they think that they can somehow cure me. I see the doctor and I tell him that I have kidney stones on both sides. He didn't believe me. He said it was rare to have stones on both sides. I told him "I'm not your usual patient." He was telling me that the pain could be caused by blood clots due to my "history." They were so focused on the cancer that they didn't want to treat the stones. It's so frustrating.

Went for the CT Scan and got the results back. Guess what? I had kidney stones on both sides. Didn't see the doctor again, I dealt with the Physician's Assistant for the rest of my stay. I couldn't even rub it in that I was right and he's an idiot.

I had a 1.3cm stone on my left side, along with smaller ones, and a 0.6cm on my right. I opted for surgery on my left because it was too big to blast, it would take 4 or 5 sessions to blast it, so I just wanted to get it over and done with.

Had surgery of the 5th. This has been the worst pain I've been through yet. I ended up staying in the recovery room for a little longer than expected and I was only supposed to stay in the hospital overnight, but it turned into 2 days because the pain was bad.

I'm home now and feeling a bit better. I mean, I do have a hole in my back, so it's not fun. My parents came over today and brought over tons of food, it was awesome to see them. Thanks mom and dad!

I have the next week off to recover.

Thanks to Libby and Melissa for stopping in to visit me at the hospital, in all my glory!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Greenville, Maine

On the weekend of January 17th, my friend Libby, her friend Sue, Thom and I all went to Greenville, Maine for the long weekend. Where's Greenville, Maine? Good question! It's like in the middle of Maine in the middle of nowhere. When you think you're lost, take a left, and there you are.

We picked them up bright and early on Saturday morning to get a head start.

The night before, I didn't sleep a wink because I was in tremendous pain. Took Advil...but to no avail.

So here I am wondering how the heck will I be able to make a 6 hour drive to Maine in such pain. Took more Advil.

The ride was uncomfortable, but manageable. When we got to the border of New Hampshire and Maine, we saw 2 deer running across the road...one got hit and went flying. That was a very disturbing site to me and I got bummed out for awhile.

I wanted to stop at this interesting looking shop on the way, but we drove by it. We turned around and stopped. The Open flag was flying and the drive was shoveled out, but the place was closed. It was a little freaky and we were joking around that this town had become overrun by zombies. Everything was so quiet. Got back in the car and kept driving.

We got to Greenville around 12:30pm, and if it wasn't for Sue, we would've been driving for another half an hour. She noticed the sign for the Moosehead cottage resorts, but the GPS unit had the cabins on the other side of the damn lake. What the?! The GPS doesn't even know where this place is!

We went to the grocery store and picked up some food. For some reason, I was surprised they had "real" food! It was like a regular grocery store. I was expecting some weird stuff, like moose jerky or something. The town is located on Moosehead Lake, so EVERYTHING was Moose something. Moosehead this, Mooseass that. They are definitely exploiting the majestic moose. We were hoping to catch a glimpse of one.

Got the cabin and unpacked. What a cute cabin! Except for one thing...the heat wasn't working! It's like -18 friggin degrees and the heat was not working. Libby put in a call right away. We were huddled under blankets and playing a game of Rummikube, when we hear a truck approach. I looked out and saw lights, people! We heard someone come up the porch, stamp their feet to get the snow off, and WALKED RIGHT INTO THE CABIN!! No knocking or anything. Err, excuse me?! "I hear your having a problem with the heat." Understatement. He opened the thermostat and fiddled with it for a sec and decided he was going to look at the boiler. He was gone for a few minutes and told us that the boiler was set at too low of a temperature and he turned it down, but since it was so cold, it might take a while to get it up to a decent temp.

After Libby spanked us at RummiKube, I went to bed because the pain was bad.

When we woke up, it was snowing. I had to admit that it was very pretty. Libby and Thom decided to go sledding out behind the cabin because there was a hill. Sue and I looked at each other and said, "Have fun!" I brought the camera to take pictures, because I knew hilarity would ensue! And I was not disappointed. First of all, there was a lot of snow, so when they tried to sled down, they sunk into the snow and got a bunch of snow in their faces while they went down. So here they are, at the bottom of the hill, wondering how to get back up. They stood up, and sunk into the snow up to their hips! I'm here snapping pics because they kept falling over. Ten minutes later, they get back to the top. They did this a few more times and then got too tired.

We tried to go to town and shop, but it seemed every damn shop in Greenville Maine was closed for snow. Are you kidding me?? It's Maine, that's all you have there is snow, and you close your shops because of a little snow? I was majorally bummed, I wanted to shop. There was one shop open, and the owner of the shop used to live in Massachusetts. Go figure, a Mass girl opens up her shop, but the natives don't.

We went to dinner at a place called the Stree Free Moose. I don't know about you, but I don't think Moose get stressed. We walked in and the entire bar turned and looked at us. That was hilarious. What was more hilarious was the barmaid. Just to recap: we're in Maine, it's 2 degrees and it's snowing like it's never going to stop. The barmaid was wearing shorts. Shorts. With woolly boots and a T-shirt right out of the 80's. And she thought she was hot. Up there, she might have been. Anywhere else...not so much. I had the pastrami, because they claimed to be the "King of Pastrami". Again...not so much.

We left the next day and it was still snowing. All in all, it was a very fun trip!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Random thoughts from a random mind

Words of wisdom from Captain Mayonnaise: Picking your nose in the winter is like digging through a box of Triskets.

What I learned from watching American Idol: If you sing LOUDER, it doesn't make you sound any better.

Emergency Room Doctors are only good for 2 things: stitching up gashes and curing poison.

It doesn't matter how old they are, if you put 2 brothers in the same room together, they will wrestle and beat each other up.

Weatherpeople are the only ones who can be wrong 99% of the time and still have a job!

Have you ever had KFC at a K of C?

Apparently, I'm like an oyster...but instead of making something that's worth anything, I make a useless stone.

I will write more about the kidney stones later.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

There's crime in Brookfield!

We've had our first brush with the violent, rampant crime in Brookfield. The cops were at our house and everything, it was horrible. How can something like this happen in our quiet little town? This is the end of the innocence. I'm afraid to go outside.

Wild kids are to blame, other people down the street were victims too.

I am calling it, "The brutal, deliberate EGGING of 2009!" LOL

Yes, we were the victims of a senseless egging of our home! The cops were taking photos of the carnage. They were trying to figure out the path the hoodlums took. It happened sometime between 6:30 and midnight. We were at a friend's, luckily, no one was hurt.

I can just imagine the conversation:

Officer #1: Yup. It was an egg, from the look of the shell, it was a brown egg. Brown eggs are local eggs, so this egg was fresh.

Officer #2: Good observation. And from the way the yolk oozed down the side of the house, we can determine the egg's trajectory, and pinpoint the location of where the criminal was standing.

Officer #1: He had to have been left-handed. There's no way the egg would've smashed in this pattern if he was a rightie.

Officer #2: Brilliant...the culprit had to have been wearing glasses.

Officer #1: Why do you say that?

Officer #2: He almost missed the house. He almost couldn't of hit the broad side of the barn. If he had 20/20 vision, it would've hit more to the center of the house.

Officer #1: You're right. Let's get some pictures. Then we'll get this information down to ballistics.

Officer #2: Do you think we should fingerprint the eggshell fragments?

Officer #1: There are few eggshell fragments left. The culprits must've known that we would do that, so they collected as many as the fragments as they could.

Officer #2: Take a sample of the frozen yolk. We'll run DNA tests on it to make sure it was a chicken egg.

Officer #1: Great thinking. Let's get this back to the station STAT!

I would expect to see this as a made-for-television movie, so keep a lookout for it, it's absolutely compelling!

Happy 2009 everyone!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Snowstorm

We made it home from Boston just as the snow started to fall. It got messy really fast. Hope everyone is safe and warm.

It was a good visit with the oncologist because it was good news. Like I said before, the lung nodules shrunk and the hip tumors remained the same. Dr. Silver is happy with my progress and the fact that I don't have pain, so I don't have to see him again until May! That's 5 months! Woohoo!

This is going to be a short post because I'm tired and I'm off to bed.

Merry Christmas to everyone and Happy New Year!!!