Today is not a good day

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me (besides the obvious!). Today I am feeling very edgy and generally pissed off and I'm not sure why. I feel like I could cry at any moment. As a matter of fact, I've already cried today. I do not want to be at work today, I'm tired, I hurt, I'm sad, I'm angry. I just want to go home.

Thom wants to start working out. Those who know me know that I hate exercising. I know it's good for me and all that jazz, but I find it extremely boring. I need it, but I still hate it. We went to check out Balley's last night. Didn't like the place. The manager seemed slick, like he should be wearing a velvet jumpsuit and lots of gold chains. Yuck. The girl that showed us around was trying to pressure sell. I cannot stand that shit. Don't pressure me. You pressure me, I dig in my heels and do exactly the opposite. But Thom wants to work out. We got a 1-day pass and tonight's the night we said we'd go in to try it. I'm just going to walk around the track with my MP3 and my music. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want someone to "work me out". Just leave me the fuck alone. Wow, I am a gem today.

There's not much I can do at a gym anyways, my hips and knees are always bothering me. So the place has to have a pool if I'm even to join. Doing laps gives me enough of a cardio workout and doesn't put any pressure on my joints. You're probably saying, "Em, if you go to a gym, lose some weight, that'll take the pressure off your joints." Great. I just don't have the energy. I don't have the energy to fight cancer, fight panic attacks, work out, do housework, work. I'm tired, man. This is not me giving up, I'm just tired and I don't have much energy after a day's work (if I even get any work done) to go to a gym and work out for an hour, get home around 8pm, eat, and then go to bed at 9pm (because I can't last much longer than that), get up, and do it all over again. I hate getting home later than 7pm because I don't feel like I have any time to chill before I go to bed. I get very cranky when we do things after work a lot of the nights during the week.

Poor Thom. I feel, because of me, he can't do a lot of things either. I think that's what bothers me most. I'm more than happy to just go home everynight, I'm a homebody, always was. And that's just A-OK with me. But I feel like I'm keeping him down somehow. It's my choice, but is it his? I feel like I'm trapping him. It's a sucky feeling. And I'm having a hard time dealing with it too. What can I do? I feel like such a burden to people. If Thom wants to go anywhere, he has to make sure that I'm with someone, like a fucking babysitter, is what I feel like. I have good friends, but when will they get sick of it too? They have their own lives, they don't have time to babysit me. So many sacrifices made for me. I'm very grateful, but it's unfair to them.

Gee, I had a lot to say. Thanks for listening...errr...reading.