Still No Films

Dana Farber still can't find my old films. I called all the originating hospitals, and they don't have them, so they weren't returned like we originally thought. How frustrating.

What a gorgeous day today! We won't be having many more of these kind of days left this year. Enjoy!

My cubicle is decorated for Halloween! One of my favorite holidays to decorate. So many people at work get a lot of enjoyment seeing my decorations, and that makes me happy.

My new boss started this week. He's been here 3 days in a row, which is more than his predecessor was in any given week! He has a sense of humor, which is imperative if he's going to survive being around me! I welcomed him by putting up a couple of tombstones near his office door!! He was pondering what the meaning of that was...

I would like to ask you all again (for those who haven't donated already), please support my friend Sarah in reaching her fund-raising goal. She is only about $1,000 short and I would hate for her not to make her goal. So please, if you have the means, please give her something. No amount is too little. Here is her website again: http://www.active.com/donate/hfdma/hfdSMcLaug
Thank you for your support!! She is a little less than 2 weeks away from her hike!

GO SARAH!!!! You can do it! We are all behind you!! You are the Cheezburger!

Ahh, Dana-Farber

I had my slew of appointments at Dana-Farber yesterday. It was a very long day. My first test was at 1:20. Didn't get out until 5ish. There's some good news and some bad news. First the bad news. ALL my films that they previously had, they don't have anymore. Apparently, they were transferred to the Brigham and Women's Hospital (next door) when I had my bone biopsy, and in their infinite wisdom, noticed that the films were not theirs and sent them back to the originating hospitals (UMass, Marlboro, St. Vincent's etc.). So my doctor had no means to compare the tests I had yesterday with the ones done previously. To say that I am PISSED off is an understatement. These films have been the bane of this whole ordeal. There was always a problem with the films. Bah.

Yesterday, they took CT Scans of my chest, they did an ultrasound of my breast and more mammograms, so at least now they have these films at their institution. Come to find out that legally, films belong to the institution that created them. Legalities. Bullshit. They should be mine. But whatever.

Now the good news. The doctor measured the tumor in my left breast and found that it got smaller. He's very optimistic that because of that, and because I have been feeling fine, that the tamoxifen is doing it's job. I am guarded, just because he didn't have the films in front of him to compare. I'm happy, but I'm guarded. Waiting for those #@!$% films to get back into his hands so I know for definate.

He now wants to put me on a bone strengthening drug called Zometa (a bisphosphonate). Because the tumor metastasized into my bone, this medication will keep my bones strong and prevent the cancer from further spreading in my bones, and may even shrink the tumors that are currently in my bone (only 2 spots in my hips). It's not calcium, but phosphate. He didn't put me on it right away because he didn't want to overwhelm me with too much information. And because it was only a couple of spots, he knew he could wait.

I got this from a medical website:

Enter the bisphosphonates, a relatively new class of drugs developed to prevent the breakdown of bone cells in osteoporosis. In just the past few years, cancer researchers have found that treatment with bisphosphonates will also prevent the destruction of bone by cancer metastases and even cause those metastatic tumors to shrink.

The latest finding is that bisphosphonates may stop bone metastases from developing at all.
At the 22nd Annual San Antonio Breast Cancer Symposium, in San Antonio, TX, Ingo Diel, MD, Assistant Professor of Medicine, University of Heidelberg, Germany, summarized the evidence in favor of giving bisphosphonates to women with breast cancer who have a high risk of advancing cancer.

He explained that bisphosphonates interrupt the "vicious cycle" of bone metastases, which begins when tumor cells settle into bone and stimulate the release of factors which cause the breakdown of bone tissue. In turn, destruction of bone cells releases factors which stimulate the production of more tumor cells.

It's an IV injection that I have to have once a month. We're trying to find someplace in Worcester that can give me this injection, so that I won't have to go Boston all the time. This is great, see what cancer research does?! This drug that is normally used to prevent osteoporosis has been found to help cancer patients too! Amazing.

I have another appointment with Dr. Silver in 3 months, so I will see him again in December.

Keep doing what you've been doing, something is working! Keep praying, keep sending good thoughts, there's power in numbers! Something is definately working!

Went to my parent's after the appointment and my mom had a awesome home cooked meal for me. Thanks mom! I love you!

Today is Thom's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY THOM! We're now the same age! Ha ha!

Thank you for the calls and emails letting me know that you're thinking of me.

Labor Day

I hope you all had a nice Labor Day weekend!

Thom, our friend Kevin and I went out on our boat yesterday and tooled around the lake near our house. I had a wonderful time. I love being out on the water, it's so relaxing. We saw many Great Blue Herons, they are amazing birds. They have to be the most graceful LARGE birds I've ever seen. When they fly, they look like Pterodactyls! The weather was gorgeous! Thom got a sunburn, but I didn't. Have to thank my parents for my Italian heritage and the ability to not burn!

I've been seeing a therapist for about 4 weeks now. I figured that I need someone to talk to that is a neutral party. It's nice to just vent and cry and not feel guilty doing so. Sometimes I just don't want to cry around anyone because I'm afraid that I'll bring the other person down. But this is good for the soul. I don't have to be upbeat around her if I don't feel like it. I can just BE and it's all good. I really like her, she almost seems to know me and alot of the things she says I think to myself, "Yeah, that's ME!" My mind has been quieter since I started seeing her. Calm mind=calm soul=happier Emily!

I'm starting to work on my panic attacks. I bought Lucinda Basset's Attacking Panic & Anxiety program and I'm on session 2. You've probably heard her commercials on the radio or TV and I figured what the hell?! So far, so good. I'm not ready to drive yet, but I swear, listening to those CDs, I feel like they are talking about me. I just never realized how many other people out there suffer from this just like me. They are just like me. It gives me hope that I can overcome this once and for all. When it comes to panic, I am my own worst enemy. I make the panic, I make it as bad as it is. I FEED it. Time to starve the panic like my medicine is starving the cancer. Things cannot grow if they have no fuel. Simple concept. Lofty goal.

I'm feeling good, no complaints. I see the doctor in 10 days. Keep those prayers and positive thoughts coming my way.

You guys are the best! Thank you for the continuous comments and support. You'll never know how much it means to me.

Much love,
E

Change

Don't like it. Never did, never will. Unfortunately, it's a fact of life and I can't do much to stop it. The change I'm complaining about is my friend Libby has moved to Maryland. Over the past year, I've gotten pretty close to Libby and discovered that we are kindred spirits. I've had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I won't be seeing her everyday at work, and outside of work. Maryland is not THAT far, but it's not as close as she was.

I guess I'm just selfish. I know that this is something she had to do. Better job, better money, better everything. But I want my Libby, dammit! :)

I'm telling myself that she's on vacation! A very LONG vacation!

And before I forget, thank you, Libby, for donating to my friend Sarah's fundraising effort!! I love you!

Anyways, other than being sad over losing my friend, I'm doing fine.

Checking In

It's been brought to my attention that I've been rather quiet lately. I take it as "No news is good news", but others do not! So I'm just checking in and letting you guys know what hasn't been happening!

I've been trying to enjoy my summer, haven't been doing much, which is fine with me. I'm just enjoying the laid back time, no doctor appointments, just day-to-day stuff. I've been hanging out with friends, going to plays, movies, dinners etc. It's been peaceful and relaxing. I'm sure I'll have a lot more to write about next month when I go back to the doctors for tests. I guess you guys better enjoy the silence while it lasts! :) But I know you guys are concerned, which I appreciate!

Funny story: On the way to work one morning, I was trying to convince Thom that I am a mean person. He's patronizing me, telling me I am not mean. Well, we were eating some strudel pasteries (raspberry and apple) and I noticed that there was only one apple left. I thought to myself that this would be the perfect opportunity to show Thom that I was mean. So I grabbed the last apple strudel. I held it out, all proud of myself and gloated to Thom "Ha ha, I took the last apple strudel, see, I am mean." Without missing a beat, Thom just GRABS the strudel OUT of my hands and puts it in his mouth!!! I guess the look of shock and disbelief on my face was hysterical. Thom says, "No, now THAT was mean!" We both had a very good laugh about that. It was pretty funny!

Hey, I got bones to pick with you guys too! I've been quiet, but so haven't you! The comments are drying up, I'm beginning to feel like you guys don't care anymore! ;) I love hearing from you, I guess as much as you guys like hearing from me. So I'll keep the entries coming as long as you guys keep the comments coming! Ok, deal!

Holy Cow

On the way to work on Tuesday, Thom and I see this rather LARGE animal crossing the road ahead of us. Both of us are like, "WTF?!" Thom slows down and what do we see crossing the road? No, it ain't no chicken! It's a big black cow!

He/She (I don't know what it was and I wasn't going to get close enough to find out!) just jaunted across the street, stopping traffic and people were taking pictures! This cow just walks onto someone's front yard, looking at us like WE'RE out of the ordinary! Imagine you're in your house, holding a cup of coffee, and you happen to look out your window. You expect to see those lovely flowers you planted, or the lawn that NEEDS to be cut (the neighbors are beginning to call you Jim Bob) and instead of those things, you see a COW eating your azaleas! WTF?! What do you say? SHOO?! BEAT IT?!

No, you'll just stand there, mouth opened wide and pray that this cow doesn't decide to make itself at home! Because, really, what can you do?! Have you ever tried to tip a cow? And while we're on that subject, how much DO you tip a cow?! 15%? 20%?!

A big thank you to Denise for donating to Sarah's cause! Thank you Thank you!!

Not feeling well today

Been having upper back pain for about 5 days now. It's more on the left side, below my shoulder blade. It's making lifting my arm or doing anything with that arm very difficult. I called the doctor and he said that that is not a spot that showed disease. I told him that it felt more muscular than anything else, it's not bone pain or anything. He wasn't concerned, but said that if it doesn't go away by next week to call him back. He told me to alternate between taking Advil and Tylenol every 4 hours. It's hard to sleep because any position I put myself into, makes my arm hurt. I can't remember pulling it or hurting it in any way, unless I did it while walking the dog, but I think I would remember yanking my arm.

And of course, when it rains it pours, another pain I'm having is left kidney pain. I know from my MRI's and CT scans that I do have kidney stones there, but it hasn't been bothering me, until today, so my whole left side is in pain today! Bloody hell! Ok, whine session over! Anyone have any cheese to go with my whine?! Mmm, cheese.

Why am I telling you all this? I don't know. I think just to have it written somewhere. I have kept a journal since the 8th grade, but ever since I was diagnosed, I haven't written a word about it in my journals. I don't know why for sure. I know that writing in there will definately make me cry. So why do that to myself deliberately? It happens enough on it's own! :)

But I cannot complain. I have it pretty good. The alternative is worse, so an ache or pain here or there is nothing. I can take it. One pill a day is not bad at all.

I'd like to make a shout out to my friend Paulo for donating! Thank you Paulo, you are the man!

Baby Stroller

About 7 or 8 years ago, Thom and I bought a baby stroller from Service Merchandise when it was going out of business. We figured it would be a good time to buy it, it was on sale and that way we would have it for when we had children.

It's been in the spare bedroom for all this time. Almost a constant reminder, except for the fact we didn't SEE it all the time.

Anyways, one of our friends is pregnant and we decided to give it to her. Thom had a difficult time, but me? I am happy. It's now with someone who will use it and appreciate it, and it's no longer in my house. I feel good about the decision. She was happy, which made it even more worthwhile!

I've been feeling very achy lately, but other than the aches and pains, been feeling good (knock on wood), no other hot flashes since that day. Been tired a lot too, but that's par for the course.

I want to thank my friend John for stepping up and donating to my friend's Hike. Thank you John!! :)

Football starts in about a month - preseason! That brings mixed feelings...happy because it's almost football season, sad because summer is almost over.

First Hot Flash

I got my first (and second) hot flash last night while I was on the computer. They came on very fast and all of a sudden I felt like my face was on fire and I broke out into a sweat. At first I thought it was my blood pressure because the animals were irritating me, but the second time, I was pretty calm. They didn't last long, but it's a weird sensation. It felt actually like a hot sensation throughout my entire body. I turned the ceiling fan on and felt 100 times better.

It does make you stop in your tracks for a second, though, wondering what the hell is going on. My Aunt June told me not to freak out and start ripping clothes off, just relax, and it will pass. She was right. I thought of that, and it made the experience go a little smoother.

And yes, I do feel better now that I've had a hot flash...a side effect that tells me that the medicine is in my system and working hopefully! I bet you've never heard a woman say she was actually HAPPY that she got a hot flash!!! But you all know by now that I am not a normal woman!!! Heehee

A worthy cause

Hi everyone,

Many of you have expressed a desire to do something for me. I now know what you can do for me. I luckily don't need anything personally, but so many other people do. I'm asking you to dig deep into your pockets and donate to cancer societies.

One in particular is The Lymphoma & Leukemia Society's "Hike for Discovery". My friend Sarah has taken up this challenge and she has told me that her friend Artie and myself are her "inspirations" and she will have both of us in her thoughts as she is hiking the Grand Canyon. She has taken on this enormous task for so many people who suffer from cancer of one form or another. She is currently in training, and will continue to train until the day of her hike, October 6th. This is such an amazing feat (one I don't envy!) and I wish her nothing but the best and I will be tracking her progress, as can you, by visiting the following website:
http://www.active.com/donate/hfdma/hfdSMcLaug

Thom works with Sarah, and I used to work with her too. Sarah is an intelligent, funny and spirited person, I am blessed by knowing her and I am touched by the fact that she thought of me in the first place. I've said this before, I don't feel much like an inspiration, and it just surprises me that some people feel this way about me.

Money raised will help fund local researchers at facilities such as Dana Farber and Children’s Hospital, one of which is very close to my heart. If you can help me help Sarah help other people with Cancer, I will feel that this whole thing is not in vain. Funding research in the cure for cancer has become paramount and I hope that you can help. She needs to raise $4,250. This is no small feat in itself. So please go to her website, read a little more about the Hike for Discovery and please donate. You can either donate via the website, or the email address she lists on the website, or for those of you who see me, I can give the money to her personally.

I think I was the first person to donate on her website, and I got a call from Sarah telling me that my money was no good there. All I have to say to her is: 2Bad i haz a moneez Now uz haz a moneez k bai