Happy Anniversary??

Today is the one year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. I'm kind of torn about this day. I'm happy because I am able to celebrate another year here, but I'm sad because it's become a day to acknowledge. April 25th will not just be any other day for me anymore. I can remember that day vividly in my mind. What I was wearing, where I was sitting in the waiting room, what was in the waiting room, what was on the TV that was playing in the waiting room. Walking into the Xray room, seeing my mammogram up on the light box, and thinking to myself, "Wow, that doesn't look normal." And also thinking to myself, "That's not what I pictured cancer to look like on an Xray."

I remembered what I had for lunch that day...a Lean Cuisine panini...and where I threw it up. To this day, I cannot even look at a panini sandwich without getting nauseous. I remember getting home that day, crying my eyes out, and then taking a nap on the couch. I just wanted to sleep so that I would stop thinking.

Those first 8-9 months were the hardest to get through. I don't know how I did it, well, actually, I do. With the love and support of Thom, that's how. He's been my rock and he has been there through it all. Thank you, Thom. I didn't think it was possible, but each day that goes by, I love you more and more.

I've been doing surveys for Dana-Farber since I started there, it's the Young Women's Breast Cancer Study. They want to know about all kinds of things from the perspective of a woman under 40 with breast cancer. They ask about background, work status, health status (umm, I have cancer!), emotional status (not enough room to discuss that!!), body image, activities, social impact, etc. I get a package in the mail a couple of days ago and they want to know how my life is one year after diagnosis. They want to compare it with the first survey. For the next 2 years, I will receive surveys every 6 months and subsequently, I will receive them yearly for 7 years. So I will be around for at least 7 more years so that I can complete the surveys!! At least! God willing!

So, today I am celebrating surviving one year! YEAH ME!!

Baby steps, one day at a time.

I want to thank you all for being here too. Your support and laughter help me more than you know!!

And I'd like to thank the Academy...

LOL, I crack myself up!!

Doctor's Appointment

Went to Dana-Farber on Friday. Guess what?? He looked at me, told me I looked fine and sent me on my way!

We scheduled a CT scan in July. He measured the lump on my left breast and told me that it got smaller. I don't really notice it too much because I feel it everyday, but he has the advantage of only seeing it once every 3 months.

The hot flashes have been bad, but they go away so quickly, it leaves me wondering if I was just imagining it. The doctor told me they might get worse in the summer. He prescribed some medication that may help relieve the hot flashes, Neurontin. I used to be on it for my restless leg syndrome. Yes, that is a real phenomenon. It's worse at night when I'm trying to sleep. Thom tells me that it seems like I "walk" in bed because I have to move my legs to make them feel better. But I digress...

Got the latest picture of my niece Brianna. She's beautiful.



Not much else happening here. I am going to have my next Lupron injection tonight. (Get the harpoon ready!) Let's hope it doesn't hurt as much as the last time.

I'm excited...the new season of The Deadliest Catch starts tomorrow on the Discovery Channel! LOVE that show. Thom bought me a tee-shirt for my birthday which reads, "It's twelve degrees, sleeting sideways, and there are 40 foot swells. Go Fish." I LOVE IT!

Well, not much else to report. It's getting warmer out, which means Summer is on the way!!! My favorite season.

Say What?

I went to see an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor today because I think that I'm beginning to lose my hearing, in the words of Roger Clemens, I "mishear" things.

Well, I walk into the exam room and the first thing I see is this old fashion-looking chair. I was asked to sit in it. OK. I look over to my right and there's this weird looking table, and some old looking instruments. I'm getting nervous here. Did the sign on the door say Dr. Frankenstein? What kind of a joint is this?? I look around and I see rubber tubing...who still uses rubber tubing??

While I'm sitting in this peculiar chair, the vent above me turns on and starts making a lot of noise. My over imaginative mind starts working and I'm picturing some kind of knock-out anesthetic is coming from the vent and that I'm going to be knocked out in a matter of seconds. Then Dr. Freak-a-zoid was going to come into the exam room and do something funky to me and no one would be able to hear my screams!

Doctor comes in, looks semi-normal, looks in my ears, tells me that everything looks fine, and I'm going to be given an auditory exam. OK. Walk into another exam room and there is this old looking machine, which I assumed was the hearing test machine.

The "audiologist" walks in and tells me he's going to give me a hearing test. I put on the earphones and then he proceeds to test my hearing. Beep, Beep, Beep, lower and lower the tones get, but I can still hear them. Then he takes out this piece of paper with words on it, and the paper is yellowing! How old is that piece of paper?? What kind of a joint is this?? He says a few words and asks me to repeat them. No problem. He announces that I have perfect hearing. Huh?

Soooo, I go back to the "doctor" with the results of the hearing test and he tells me that I probably get distracted and don't concentrate on what's being said to me.

This whole thing took about 10 minutes. I left there not feeling any better. It can't be that most people around me are mumbling! So please, if you talk to me, please be sure not to mumble. I would appreciate it. It's NOT me, it's YOU! :)

Might go for a second opinion, and if I walk into another exam room with some weird looking torture-like instruments, I'm walking out!

On Monday, I had my Zometa injection. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Thom and I got some lunch and sat down in the lobby to eat it. While we were sitting there I noticed something. "There's a boy...in the hospital...with a broken leg!" Thinking of you Jerry!! There really is a boy...in a hospital...with a broken leg! You weren't lying!

And oh yes, forgot to mention that the doctor that I see for my monthly injections is leaving the practice and going somewhere else. Wonderful.

That's all from the land of the fruity and nutty! Remember, it can only happen to me!

Femara

Took my first Femara pill last night. It's TINY! I hate small pills because I always wonder if I actually took it, or if I dropped it on the floor! No side effects...yet. I will keep you posted.

And for those of you who are concerned...my butt is better, thank you! :)

Happy Birthday to me! Thank you for all the well wishes. My department took me out to lunch today and I'm going out tonight too.

I played an April Fools joke on some of the people I work with! I sent out an email telling them that I gave my notice and my last day will be the 14th of April. Underneath my name was a standard disclaimer that I rewrote to say that this is a prank etc. I got a few people! You can't fool an April Fool's baby, but they can sure fool other people!

April 2 is Kick Butts Day. So, tommorow, kick someone's butt, even if it's your own!!

Talk to you later!

Doctor Who

Well, I had an appointment with Dana-Farber today, but I had to cancel it. We have an unnounced inspection and I have to be here for it, considering I'm part of QA.

No scans were scheduled, just a visit to the doctor so he can look at me and tell me I look fine. It's rescheduled for April 11th.

Not too much going on otherwise. My ass still hurts a little, the bump has gone down significantly, but is still there.

Other than that, all's quiet on the Western Front.

Later!

Ass cancer??

My butt has been hurting for a week now from the injection. Today, I just noticed that the injection site now has a hard lump around it. There are no doctors in the office to call, so I have to wait until Monday. Figures.

I have to laugh because it seems like I have no problems talking about my butt, injections, boobs, whatever. I have no shame anymore talking about this stuff, I just put it out there. It just cracks me up.

I was just joking about the ass cancer, by the way! :) That's for my mom, so she doesn't worry and call me all upset!

Speaking of mom, we are going over there for Easter. Spend some quality family time with...the family! La Famiglia!

Happy Easter everyone! Write to you soon!

E

Lupron

Got my first injection of Lupron on Friday night. It is to be given intramuscularly...in other words, I got a shot in the ass. And man, that spot on my ass hurt for 3 days after. I have attached a picture of the lovely injection that I will be getting every month. The picture just doesn't do it justice.


The needle itself is about 2.5" long. I'm REALLY beginning to hate needles.

I don't feel anything different. The doctor said that I might feel an increase of bone/joint pain, which is good. I haven't felt that yet. I hope it's working. I get so damn paranoid about these things. If he says that most people feel this, I expect to feel it, and if I don't, I worry that it's not working. It's really hard being me. [Sigh]

I've been following the story on the (former) New York Govenor Eliot Spitzer. The reports say that he didn't wear condoms. Umm, I have to comment on this, I can't let this go by without saying something! She's a prostitute...a WHORE (I just like saying that!)...you are not the first guy...you don't know where she's been...why the HELL wouldn't you wear a condom? You might as well stick your piece into the mouth of a komodo dragon. Except for the teeth, it's pretty much the same!! OMG! Nasty! LOL, I crack myself up!

Are any of you on Facebook? If so, I have a page, feel free to add me as a friend! Here's the website: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=680345138

Well, that's it from crazyville.

Happy St. Patty's Day! Today, everyone's Irish! I'm wearing my green, are you?

Snakes...why did it have to be snakes?

I don't know if you all know, but Thom and I have had a pet snake for about 15, maybe 16 years. Well, our pet snake passed over the weekend. Don't know why. Maybe not the most affectionate pet in the world, but she would come up to our face when we held her and flick her tongue as if to say, "Hello there!" When I had longer hair and could put it up in a ponytail, I would wrap her around it and go along doing what it was I had to do, and she was more than content to be there.

I'm sad, it's hard to have something for so long and then...not. But she was a very docile, sweet snake and she will be missed.

Bye Bye Phee.

One Mile

So we joined Bally's gym yesterday. I walked one mile yesterday, that's 9 times around the track. One mile is better than nothing. Feel good today. Last time we went for a free day pass, I did some stretching, and the next day I didn't feel so good, my hips were killing me. This time I decided not to stretch, and I seem to be doing better. Go figure. Guess it's sinking into my thick skull that exercise is good for me. <--Did I just say that?? What's the world coming to??

Congratulations to my friends Michele and Matt, they just had a baby, his name is Liam. Michele and Matt, if you're reading this: We Miss You!!

Happy Leap Year!

Today is not a good day

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me (besides the obvious!). Today I am feeling very edgy and generally pissed off and I'm not sure why. I feel like I could cry at any moment. As a matter of fact, I've already cried today. I do not want to be at work today, I'm tired, I hurt, I'm sad, I'm angry. I just want to go home.

Thom wants to start working out. Those who know me know that I hate exercising. I know it's good for me and all that jazz, but I find it extremely boring. I need it, but I still hate it. We went to check out Balley's last night. Didn't like the place. The manager seemed slick, like he should be wearing a velvet jumpsuit and lots of gold chains. Yuck. The girl that showed us around was trying to pressure sell. I cannot stand that shit. Don't pressure me. You pressure me, I dig in my heels and do exactly the opposite. But Thom wants to work out. We got a 1-day pass and tonight's the night we said we'd go in to try it. I'm just going to walk around the track with my MP3 and my music. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want someone to "work me out". Just leave me the fuck alone. Wow, I am a gem today.

There's not much I can do at a gym anyways, my hips and knees are always bothering me. So the place has to have a pool if I'm even to join. Doing laps gives me enough of a cardio workout and doesn't put any pressure on my joints. You're probably saying, "Em, if you go to a gym, lose some weight, that'll take the pressure off your joints." Great. I just don't have the energy. I don't have the energy to fight cancer, fight panic attacks, work out, do housework, work. I'm tired, man. This is not me giving up, I'm just tired and I don't have much energy after a day's work (if I even get any work done) to go to a gym and work out for an hour, get home around 8pm, eat, and then go to bed at 9pm (because I can't last much longer than that), get up, and do it all over again. I hate getting home later than 7pm because I don't feel like I have any time to chill before I go to bed. I get very cranky when we do things after work a lot of the nights during the week.

Poor Thom. I feel, because of me, he can't do a lot of things either. I think that's what bothers me most. I'm more than happy to just go home everynight, I'm a homebody, always was. And that's just A-OK with me. But I feel like I'm keeping him down somehow. It's my choice, but is it his? I feel like I'm trapping him. It's a sucky feeling. And I'm having a hard time dealing with it too. What can I do? I feel like such a burden to people. If Thom wants to go anywhere, he has to make sure that I'm with someone, like a fucking babysitter, is what I feel like. I have good friends, but when will they get sick of it too? They have their own lives, they don't have time to babysit me. So many sacrifices made for me. I'm very grateful, but it's unfair to them.

Gee, I had a lot to say. Thanks for listening...errr...reading.