Yesterday, I broke down at lunch because someone was talking about sailing. I feel cheated. I feel mad. This is the first time since April that I've thought this, but Why me?! Not that I wish this on anyone else, ever, but dammit. I had a good thing going here. I was finally in a good place in my life: I love being married to Thom, I finally had a job that I really enjoy, my panic seemed to be somewhat under control, was going to have a child. Shit, I'm sorry, this sounds like a pity party. I don't want to do that. But the past few days have been rough for me. You guys have expressed an interest in knowing how I'm feeling all the time, so here it is, in all it's ugliness.
This cancer will never go away, it will always be there. A constant reminder to me that I am on borrowed time, or at least that's how it seems to me.
I find myself being mad at myself because I feel that I should be living life to it's fullest or something. I feel that I should be doing more than I'm doing. I'm still afraid to do things. But there is no book on how to handle this, what the "normal" way to go through this is. Yet, I feel I'm dealing with this wrong. Whatever that may mean. Yes, I know there's no right or wrong way.
I thought that I could now finally quell the fear from the panic I suffer from, but that's not how it's working out. There are places I want to see, but I hate to fly. I keep telling myself, "Why should you be afraid of flying now?? What could be worse?!" But I'm still afraid. I've had panic attacks since I was 13. That's more than half my life. Maybe I'm a victim of this, I've made myself a victim to the fear. It's not easy to just dismiss it. I've done the psychiatry, the biofeedback, the meditation, the meds.
I always feel like crying, and I can't tell when I'll just break down, the triggers are inappropriate, so it's so hard for me to know when this will happen.
I also find myself reminiscing about the past a lot.
I don't' feel anything on the medicine, so I'm worried that it's not working, but I'm always reminded by people that it needs to build up in my system to a therapeutic dose before anything will happen. Logically, I know that, but what's taking so long??
I see the doctor tomorrow, but he's probably not going to be telling me anything new. Well, at least I hope not, it seems that everytime I see him, he has more bad news! I feel like a dog going to the vet, he learns to start hating the vet because everytime he goes there, he gets poked and prodded. Maybe if Thom gives me a treat or something for going there... Ha ha
4 comments:
You say the cancer will never go away, but remember all it takes is one miracle for the doctors to say they don't know how it happened but it's gone. Or one scientific breakthrough and this will all be part of the past for you. And you've got plenty of people praying and working to make that happen so don't forget that.
~Sarah McL
Let it out Em. If you don't indulge and face the "ugliness" then you only feed it (Wow that was very Dr. Philesque). Let it out, let it go, break down anytime you like, do it, do it, do it. Its your body, your mind, your sanity. Don't bottle it up, or you can't get past it. Maybe right now you may not think you can get past it, want to get past it, know how to get past it, or whatever, I can't even begin to imagine. You've the right to be angry as well and any other bits of that "ugliness". It's all part of any fight, right? Just don't get lost. You don't have to be anyone's trooper, you have to be what YOU need to be, to get by, it's alright.
Love and Light,
Jerry
That last part rhymed a little...
Is it really approximately(~) Sarah McL because she didn't spell out her last name?
You should never feel bad about feeling sad or wishing things were different. Go ahead and scream, yell, rant, and rave!!! All of us will support and and might even join in! I know I would!!!!
All of us have different problems and no matter how big or small they are, we all should let it out through blogging, crying, or talking to a close friend. Our problems might not go away but we feel better letting it all out.
Love and support always,
Debbie
Hi Emily and Tom,
This is Oriano's mother. I just wanted to tell you both that your courage in the face of adversity is an inspiration. Stay strong and stay hopeful. The ways of the Lord are not our ways and there is always a reason to the madness, even when we cannot see it for the tears. My prayers have been with you.
Carita
Post a Comment