Change

Don't like it. Never did, never will. Unfortunately, it's a fact of life and I can't do much to stop it. The change I'm complaining about is my friend Libby has moved to Maryland. Over the past year, I've gotten pretty close to Libby and discovered that we are kindred spirits. I've had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I won't be seeing her everyday at work, and outside of work. Maryland is not THAT far, but it's not as close as she was.

I guess I'm just selfish. I know that this is something she had to do. Better job, better money, better everything. But I want my Libby, dammit! :)

I'm telling myself that she's on vacation! A very LONG vacation!

And before I forget, thank you, Libby, for donating to my friend Sarah's fundraising effort!! I love you!

Anyways, other than being sad over losing my friend, I'm doing fine.

Checking In

It's been brought to my attention that I've been rather quiet lately. I take it as "No news is good news", but others do not! So I'm just checking in and letting you guys know what hasn't been happening!

I've been trying to enjoy my summer, haven't been doing much, which is fine with me. I'm just enjoying the laid back time, no doctor appointments, just day-to-day stuff. I've been hanging out with friends, going to plays, movies, dinners etc. It's been peaceful and relaxing. I'm sure I'll have a lot more to write about next month when I go back to the doctors for tests. I guess you guys better enjoy the silence while it lasts! :) But I know you guys are concerned, which I appreciate!

Funny story: On the way to work one morning, I was trying to convince Thom that I am a mean person. He's patronizing me, telling me I am not mean. Well, we were eating some strudel pasteries (raspberry and apple) and I noticed that there was only one apple left. I thought to myself that this would be the perfect opportunity to show Thom that I was mean. So I grabbed the last apple strudel. I held it out, all proud of myself and gloated to Thom "Ha ha, I took the last apple strudel, see, I am mean." Without missing a beat, Thom just GRABS the strudel OUT of my hands and puts it in his mouth!!! I guess the look of shock and disbelief on my face was hysterical. Thom says, "No, now THAT was mean!" We both had a very good laugh about that. It was pretty funny!

Hey, I got bones to pick with you guys too! I've been quiet, but so haven't you! The comments are drying up, I'm beginning to feel like you guys don't care anymore! ;) I love hearing from you, I guess as much as you guys like hearing from me. So I'll keep the entries coming as long as you guys keep the comments coming! Ok, deal!

Holy Cow

On the way to work on Tuesday, Thom and I see this rather LARGE animal crossing the road ahead of us. Both of us are like, "WTF?!" Thom slows down and what do we see crossing the road? No, it ain't no chicken! It's a big black cow!

He/She (I don't know what it was and I wasn't going to get close enough to find out!) just jaunted across the street, stopping traffic and people were taking pictures! This cow just walks onto someone's front yard, looking at us like WE'RE out of the ordinary! Imagine you're in your house, holding a cup of coffee, and you happen to look out your window. You expect to see those lovely flowers you planted, or the lawn that NEEDS to be cut (the neighbors are beginning to call you Jim Bob) and instead of those things, you see a COW eating your azaleas! WTF?! What do you say? SHOO?! BEAT IT?!

No, you'll just stand there, mouth opened wide and pray that this cow doesn't decide to make itself at home! Because, really, what can you do?! Have you ever tried to tip a cow? And while we're on that subject, how much DO you tip a cow?! 15%? 20%?!

A big thank you to Denise for donating to Sarah's cause! Thank you Thank you!!

Not feeling well today

Been having upper back pain for about 5 days now. It's more on the left side, below my shoulder blade. It's making lifting my arm or doing anything with that arm very difficult. I called the doctor and he said that that is not a spot that showed disease. I told him that it felt more muscular than anything else, it's not bone pain or anything. He wasn't concerned, but said that if it doesn't go away by next week to call him back. He told me to alternate between taking Advil and Tylenol every 4 hours. It's hard to sleep because any position I put myself into, makes my arm hurt. I can't remember pulling it or hurting it in any way, unless I did it while walking the dog, but I think I would remember yanking my arm.

And of course, when it rains it pours, another pain I'm having is left kidney pain. I know from my MRI's and CT scans that I do have kidney stones there, but it hasn't been bothering me, until today, so my whole left side is in pain today! Bloody hell! Ok, whine session over! Anyone have any cheese to go with my whine?! Mmm, cheese.

Why am I telling you all this? I don't know. I think just to have it written somewhere. I have kept a journal since the 8th grade, but ever since I was diagnosed, I haven't written a word about it in my journals. I don't know why for sure. I know that writing in there will definately make me cry. So why do that to myself deliberately? It happens enough on it's own! :)

But I cannot complain. I have it pretty good. The alternative is worse, so an ache or pain here or there is nothing. I can take it. One pill a day is not bad at all.

I'd like to make a shout out to my friend Paulo for donating! Thank you Paulo, you are the man!

Baby Stroller

About 7 or 8 years ago, Thom and I bought a baby stroller from Service Merchandise when it was going out of business. We figured it would be a good time to buy it, it was on sale and that way we would have it for when we had children.

It's been in the spare bedroom for all this time. Almost a constant reminder, except for the fact we didn't SEE it all the time.

Anyways, one of our friends is pregnant and we decided to give it to her. Thom had a difficult time, but me? I am happy. It's now with someone who will use it and appreciate it, and it's no longer in my house. I feel good about the decision. She was happy, which made it even more worthwhile!

I've been feeling very achy lately, but other than the aches and pains, been feeling good (knock on wood), no other hot flashes since that day. Been tired a lot too, but that's par for the course.

I want to thank my friend John for stepping up and donating to my friend's Hike. Thank you John!! :)

Football starts in about a month - preseason! That brings mixed feelings...happy because it's almost football season, sad because summer is almost over.

First Hot Flash

I got my first (and second) hot flash last night while I was on the computer. They came on very fast and all of a sudden I felt like my face was on fire and I broke out into a sweat. At first I thought it was my blood pressure because the animals were irritating me, but the second time, I was pretty calm. They didn't last long, but it's a weird sensation. It felt actually like a hot sensation throughout my entire body. I turned the ceiling fan on and felt 100 times better.

It does make you stop in your tracks for a second, though, wondering what the hell is going on. My Aunt June told me not to freak out and start ripping clothes off, just relax, and it will pass. She was right. I thought of that, and it made the experience go a little smoother.

And yes, I do feel better now that I've had a hot flash...a side effect that tells me that the medicine is in my system and working hopefully! I bet you've never heard a woman say she was actually HAPPY that she got a hot flash!!! But you all know by now that I am not a normal woman!!! Heehee

A worthy cause

Hi everyone,

Many of you have expressed a desire to do something for me. I now know what you can do for me. I luckily don't need anything personally, but so many other people do. I'm asking you to dig deep into your pockets and donate to cancer societies.

One in particular is The Lymphoma & Leukemia Society's "Hike for Discovery". My friend Sarah has taken up this challenge and she has told me that her friend Artie and myself are her "inspirations" and she will have both of us in her thoughts as she is hiking the Grand Canyon. She has taken on this enormous task for so many people who suffer from cancer of one form or another. She is currently in training, and will continue to train until the day of her hike, October 6th. This is such an amazing feat (one I don't envy!) and I wish her nothing but the best and I will be tracking her progress, as can you, by visiting the following website:
http://www.active.com/donate/hfdma/hfdSMcLaug

Thom works with Sarah, and I used to work with her too. Sarah is an intelligent, funny and spirited person, I am blessed by knowing her and I am touched by the fact that she thought of me in the first place. I've said this before, I don't feel much like an inspiration, and it just surprises me that some people feel this way about me.

Money raised will help fund local researchers at facilities such as Dana Farber and Children’s Hospital, one of which is very close to my heart. If you can help me help Sarah help other people with Cancer, I will feel that this whole thing is not in vain. Funding research in the cure for cancer has become paramount and I hope that you can help. She needs to raise $4,250. This is no small feat in itself. So please go to her website, read a little more about the Hike for Discovery and please donate. You can either donate via the website, or the email address she lists on the website, or for those of you who see me, I can give the money to her personally.

I think I was the first person to donate on her website, and I got a call from Sarah telling me that my money was no good there. All I have to say to her is: 2Bad i haz a moneez Now uz haz a moneez k bai

Doctor's Visit

Saw the doctor yesterday, he's AMAZED that I'm not feeling any hot flashes or anything. He said that's good. I guess I had a funny look on my face (as always!!) because he said to me, "Do you want me to do something bad to you?!" Of course, I said no, but I was counting on feeling something to know for sure that the medicine is working.

I don't have to see him until September 14th, and that's when I will have the first CT of my chest and an US to see if there's been any change. It's weird not having an appointment until September! Since April, I've had some kind of appointment almost every week. Weird.

But I'm feeling pretty ok, tired alot, but I can't complain. My appetite has been a bit wacky, things that I used to love before I can't seem to stomach. I'm more sensitive to smells too. Could be all unrelated, but who knows.

Thank you guys for your continuous support and kind and loving words. Sarah, I am hoping for that miracle. Jerry, I love you! Jim, love those cards, you don't know how excited I get when I see one in the mail, you are the best, I miss you!

The worst part of it all

Is the unknown. This to me is the scariest part of this whole ordeal. Not that any of us know what's in store for us in the future, but it just seems more looming to me. Sometimes I'm afraid to think about the future, wait, who am I kidding? I'm always afraid to think about the future, I almost feel like I'm going to "jinx" it if I think about it.

Yesterday, I broke down at lunch because someone was talking about sailing. I feel cheated. I feel mad. This is the first time since April that I've thought this, but Why me?! Not that I wish this on anyone else, ever, but dammit. I had a good thing going here. I was finally in a good place in my life: I love being married to Thom, I finally had a job that I really enjoy, my panic seemed to be somewhat under control, was going to have a child. Shit, I'm sorry, this sounds like a pity party. I don't want to do that. But the past few days have been rough for me. You guys have expressed an interest in knowing how I'm feeling all the time, so here it is, in all it's ugliness.

This cancer will never go away, it will always be there. A constant reminder to me that I am on borrowed time, or at least that's how it seems to me.

I find myself being mad at myself because I feel that I should be living life to it's fullest or something. I feel that I should be doing more than I'm doing. I'm still afraid to do things. But there is no book on how to handle this, what the "normal" way to go through this is. Yet, I feel I'm dealing with this wrong. Whatever that may mean. Yes, I know there's no right or wrong way.

I thought that I could now finally quell the fear from the panic I suffer from, but that's not how it's working out. There are places I want to see, but I hate to fly. I keep telling myself, "Why should you be afraid of flying now?? What could be worse?!" But I'm still afraid. I've had panic attacks since I was 13. That's more than half my life. Maybe I'm a victim of this, I've made myself a victim to the fear. It's not easy to just dismiss it. I've done the psychiatry, the biofeedback, the meditation, the meds.

I always feel like crying, and I can't tell when I'll just break down, the triggers are inappropriate, so it's so hard for me to know when this will happen.

I also find myself reminiscing about the past a lot.

I don't' feel anything on the medicine, so I'm worried that it's not working, but I'm always reminded by people that it needs to build up in my system to a therapeutic dose before anything will happen. Logically, I know that, but what's taking so long??

I see the doctor tomorrow, but he's probably not going to be telling me anything new. Well, at least I hope not, it seems that everytime I see him, he has more bad news! I feel like a dog going to the vet, he learns to start hating the vet because everytime he goes there, he gets poked and prodded. Maybe if Thom gives me a treat or something for going there... Ha ha

Day 6

This is Day 6 of being on Tamoxifen. Feeling fine. The only thing I noticed was some joint pain, but I can't be sure if it's a side effect of the medicine, or just a sign of me getting old...

My panic attacks have returned recently (can't imagine why). I used to be able to at least drive myself from Thom's work to my work, but that seems to have become a problem of late. This is most frustrating and upsetting to me, it just seems the little freedom that I've been able to enjoy is dwindling. I can push myself, but it just stresses me out so much, I don't feel like adding any additional stress to myself anymore than I have to. This unfortunately takes a toll on Thom because he's essentially my chauffeur, but I feel that I can at least prevent this stress in my life, whereas other things I have no control over.

Funny story:

This morning, before jumping into the shower, I thought I felt a scab on my hip. So here I am trying to pick it off. Then it just didn't feel right to me. So I look down, and what do I see? A friggin' tick! I start screaming for Thom.

"THOM???!!!"
"What?"
"I'VE GOT A TICK ON ME!!! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!!!"
"Ok, c'mon downstairs"
"I'M NAKED!" (At the bottom of the stairs we have big picture windows and very close neighbors)
"Ok, fine, I'll come upstairs." He looks at it, then starts to reach for it. I start to screech. Here I am, buck naked, running around like an idiot because I am so eecked out.
"GET IT OOOOOOFF!!!!"
"You need to stand still so I can get it"
He pulled it out and I could FEEL it disengaging from my skin!!!!!!!!!! EEEEECCCKKKKKK!! And I TOUCHED it!! Double EEECCCKKK! It was there ALL night, sucking my blood. Triple EEECCCKK!!
"Now I'm gonna get Lyme disease, that's all I need!"
"No, you're not gonna get Lyme disease, you get that from deer ticks and that wasn't a deer tick."
"Are you sure?!"
"Yes, deer ticks are small and white, this one was big and brown, and it was wiggling..."
"OK, I don't want to hear any more, thanks."...slight pause..."You're not lying to me, are you?"
"No, I'm not lying to you."

Ahh, it's hard to be me.

I want to wish everyone a Happy and Safe Fourth of July!!