Not feeling well today

Been having upper back pain for about 5 days now. It's more on the left side, below my shoulder blade. It's making lifting my arm or doing anything with that arm very difficult. I called the doctor and he said that that is not a spot that showed disease. I told him that it felt more muscular than anything else, it's not bone pain or anything. He wasn't concerned, but said that if it doesn't go away by next week to call him back. He told me to alternate between taking Advil and Tylenol every 4 hours. It's hard to sleep because any position I put myself into, makes my arm hurt. I can't remember pulling it or hurting it in any way, unless I did it while walking the dog, but I think I would remember yanking my arm.

And of course, when it rains it pours, another pain I'm having is left kidney pain. I know from my MRI's and CT scans that I do have kidney stones there, but it hasn't been bothering me, until today, so my whole left side is in pain today! Bloody hell! Ok, whine session over! Anyone have any cheese to go with my whine?! Mmm, cheese.

Why am I telling you all this? I don't know. I think just to have it written somewhere. I have kept a journal since the 8th grade, but ever since I was diagnosed, I haven't written a word about it in my journals. I don't know why for sure. I know that writing in there will definately make me cry. So why do that to myself deliberately? It happens enough on it's own! :)

But I cannot complain. I have it pretty good. The alternative is worse, so an ache or pain here or there is nothing. I can take it. One pill a day is not bad at all.

I'd like to make a shout out to my friend Paulo for donating! Thank you Paulo, you are the man!

Baby Stroller

About 7 or 8 years ago, Thom and I bought a baby stroller from Service Merchandise when it was going out of business. We figured it would be a good time to buy it, it was on sale and that way we would have it for when we had children.

It's been in the spare bedroom for all this time. Almost a constant reminder, except for the fact we didn't SEE it all the time.

Anyways, one of our friends is pregnant and we decided to give it to her. Thom had a difficult time, but me? I am happy. It's now with someone who will use it and appreciate it, and it's no longer in my house. I feel good about the decision. She was happy, which made it even more worthwhile!

I've been feeling very achy lately, but other than the aches and pains, been feeling good (knock on wood), no other hot flashes since that day. Been tired a lot too, but that's par for the course.

I want to thank my friend John for stepping up and donating to my friend's Hike. Thank you John!! :)

Football starts in about a month - preseason! That brings mixed feelings...happy because it's almost football season, sad because summer is almost over.

First Hot Flash

I got my first (and second) hot flash last night while I was on the computer. They came on very fast and all of a sudden I felt like my face was on fire and I broke out into a sweat. At first I thought it was my blood pressure because the animals were irritating me, but the second time, I was pretty calm. They didn't last long, but it's a weird sensation. It felt actually like a hot sensation throughout my entire body. I turned the ceiling fan on and felt 100 times better.

It does make you stop in your tracks for a second, though, wondering what the hell is going on. My Aunt June told me not to freak out and start ripping clothes off, just relax, and it will pass. She was right. I thought of that, and it made the experience go a little smoother.

And yes, I do feel better now that I've had a hot flash...a side effect that tells me that the medicine is in my system and working hopefully! I bet you've never heard a woman say she was actually HAPPY that she got a hot flash!!! But you all know by now that I am not a normal woman!!! Heehee

A worthy cause

Hi everyone,

Many of you have expressed a desire to do something for me. I now know what you can do for me. I luckily don't need anything personally, but so many other people do. I'm asking you to dig deep into your pockets and donate to cancer societies.

One in particular is The Lymphoma & Leukemia Society's "Hike for Discovery". My friend Sarah has taken up this challenge and she has told me that her friend Artie and myself are her "inspirations" and she will have both of us in her thoughts as she is hiking the Grand Canyon. She has taken on this enormous task for so many people who suffer from cancer of one form or another. She is currently in training, and will continue to train until the day of her hike, October 6th. This is such an amazing feat (one I don't envy!) and I wish her nothing but the best and I will be tracking her progress, as can you, by visiting the following website:
http://www.active.com/donate/hfdma/hfdSMcLaug

Thom works with Sarah, and I used to work with her too. Sarah is an intelligent, funny and spirited person, I am blessed by knowing her and I am touched by the fact that she thought of me in the first place. I've said this before, I don't feel much like an inspiration, and it just surprises me that some people feel this way about me.

Money raised will help fund local researchers at facilities such as Dana Farber and Children’s Hospital, one of which is very close to my heart. If you can help me help Sarah help other people with Cancer, I will feel that this whole thing is not in vain. Funding research in the cure for cancer has become paramount and I hope that you can help. She needs to raise $4,250. This is no small feat in itself. So please go to her website, read a little more about the Hike for Discovery and please donate. You can either donate via the website, or the email address she lists on the website, or for those of you who see me, I can give the money to her personally.

I think I was the first person to donate on her website, and I got a call from Sarah telling me that my money was no good there. All I have to say to her is: 2Bad i haz a moneez Now uz haz a moneez k bai

Doctor's Visit

Saw the doctor yesterday, he's AMAZED that I'm not feeling any hot flashes or anything. He said that's good. I guess I had a funny look on my face (as always!!) because he said to me, "Do you want me to do something bad to you?!" Of course, I said no, but I was counting on feeling something to know for sure that the medicine is working.

I don't have to see him until September 14th, and that's when I will have the first CT of my chest and an US to see if there's been any change. It's weird not having an appointment until September! Since April, I've had some kind of appointment almost every week. Weird.

But I'm feeling pretty ok, tired alot, but I can't complain. My appetite has been a bit wacky, things that I used to love before I can't seem to stomach. I'm more sensitive to smells too. Could be all unrelated, but who knows.

Thank you guys for your continuous support and kind and loving words. Sarah, I am hoping for that miracle. Jerry, I love you! Jim, love those cards, you don't know how excited I get when I see one in the mail, you are the best, I miss you!

The worst part of it all

Is the unknown. This to me is the scariest part of this whole ordeal. Not that any of us know what's in store for us in the future, but it just seems more looming to me. Sometimes I'm afraid to think about the future, wait, who am I kidding? I'm always afraid to think about the future, I almost feel like I'm going to "jinx" it if I think about it.

Yesterday, I broke down at lunch because someone was talking about sailing. I feel cheated. I feel mad. This is the first time since April that I've thought this, but Why me?! Not that I wish this on anyone else, ever, but dammit. I had a good thing going here. I was finally in a good place in my life: I love being married to Thom, I finally had a job that I really enjoy, my panic seemed to be somewhat under control, was going to have a child. Shit, I'm sorry, this sounds like a pity party. I don't want to do that. But the past few days have been rough for me. You guys have expressed an interest in knowing how I'm feeling all the time, so here it is, in all it's ugliness.

This cancer will never go away, it will always be there. A constant reminder to me that I am on borrowed time, or at least that's how it seems to me.

I find myself being mad at myself because I feel that I should be living life to it's fullest or something. I feel that I should be doing more than I'm doing. I'm still afraid to do things. But there is no book on how to handle this, what the "normal" way to go through this is. Yet, I feel I'm dealing with this wrong. Whatever that may mean. Yes, I know there's no right or wrong way.

I thought that I could now finally quell the fear from the panic I suffer from, but that's not how it's working out. There are places I want to see, but I hate to fly. I keep telling myself, "Why should you be afraid of flying now?? What could be worse?!" But I'm still afraid. I've had panic attacks since I was 13. That's more than half my life. Maybe I'm a victim of this, I've made myself a victim to the fear. It's not easy to just dismiss it. I've done the psychiatry, the biofeedback, the meditation, the meds.

I always feel like crying, and I can't tell when I'll just break down, the triggers are inappropriate, so it's so hard for me to know when this will happen.

I also find myself reminiscing about the past a lot.

I don't' feel anything on the medicine, so I'm worried that it's not working, but I'm always reminded by people that it needs to build up in my system to a therapeutic dose before anything will happen. Logically, I know that, but what's taking so long??

I see the doctor tomorrow, but he's probably not going to be telling me anything new. Well, at least I hope not, it seems that everytime I see him, he has more bad news! I feel like a dog going to the vet, he learns to start hating the vet because everytime he goes there, he gets poked and prodded. Maybe if Thom gives me a treat or something for going there... Ha ha

Day 6

This is Day 6 of being on Tamoxifen. Feeling fine. The only thing I noticed was some joint pain, but I can't be sure if it's a side effect of the medicine, or just a sign of me getting old...

My panic attacks have returned recently (can't imagine why). I used to be able to at least drive myself from Thom's work to my work, but that seems to have become a problem of late. This is most frustrating and upsetting to me, it just seems the little freedom that I've been able to enjoy is dwindling. I can push myself, but it just stresses me out so much, I don't feel like adding any additional stress to myself anymore than I have to. This unfortunately takes a toll on Thom because he's essentially my chauffeur, but I feel that I can at least prevent this stress in my life, whereas other things I have no control over.

Funny story:

This morning, before jumping into the shower, I thought I felt a scab on my hip. So here I am trying to pick it off. Then it just didn't feel right to me. So I look down, and what do I see? A friggin' tick! I start screaming for Thom.

"THOM???!!!"
"What?"
"I'VE GOT A TICK ON ME!!! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!!!"
"Ok, c'mon downstairs"
"I'M NAKED!" (At the bottom of the stairs we have big picture windows and very close neighbors)
"Ok, fine, I'll come upstairs." He looks at it, then starts to reach for it. I start to screech. Here I am, buck naked, running around like an idiot because I am so eecked out.
"GET IT OOOOOOFF!!!!"
"You need to stand still so I can get it"
He pulled it out and I could FEEL it disengaging from my skin!!!!!!!!!! EEEEECCCKKKKKK!! And I TOUCHED it!! Double EEECCCKKK! It was there ALL night, sucking my blood. Triple EEECCCKK!!
"Now I'm gonna get Lyme disease, that's all I need!"
"No, you're not gonna get Lyme disease, you get that from deer ticks and that wasn't a deer tick."
"Are you sure?!"
"Yes, deer ticks are small and white, this one was big and brown, and it was wiggling..."
"OK, I don't want to hear any more, thanks."...slight pause..."You're not lying to me, are you?"
"No, I'm not lying to you."

Ahh, it's hard to be me.

I want to wish everyone a Happy and Safe Fourth of July!!

A glimpse into my madness

Yes, I know I'm insane, you all know that I'm insane, but let me tell you just HOW insane I am by sharing this little diddy.

Now grant you, this is only Day 2 of taking Tamoxifen. Day 2.

Day 1. Yesterday. I picked up the medicine, left it in the car for about 2 1/2 hours. Freaked out about it because it was in the car and it was 106 degrees in the car. I was sure that the medicine was now ruined and that it wouldn't work because the insert said to "store at room temperature." Asked people around work, they told me it was ok. Didn't believe them. Called the pharmacy and they told me it was ok too. Didn't believe them.

Day 2. Today. Driving into work with Thom this morning. He had a 24 ounce bottle of orange juice that he was drinking. I decided to take my Tamoxifen then. Put the pill in my mouth, took a swig of OJ. SWISHED the pill in my mouth to make sure it was in there. Swallowed. About 5 minutes later, I started stressing that somehow, the pill JUMPED out of my mouth and landed into the jug of OJ. Looked at the jug to see if I could see the pill floating around. Nothing. Please refer to the sentence where I said that I swished the pill in my mouth to make sure it was there. I KNEW it was in my mouth, I felt it. But this nagging voice kept saying, "What if it's in the OJ?!" Freaking out. Thom's laughing at me. He told me to just drink the rest of the OJ, so if I was sure the pill lept out of my mouth, at least I could drink the OJ and feel better. Fine. Drank 24 ounces of OJ. Feel sick to my stomach.

Can't wait for Day 3.

Can we say OH MY GOD?!

It's so hard to be me. Honestly. No wonder I am always tired. It's so hard to be in my head.

Hope this made you laugh.

Hip Biopsy Results

Got the results from my hip biopsy. As suspected, the cells in my hips are also Estrogen/Progesterone Receptor +, same as the breast tumor. So, that means I can begin treatment! Finally!

I will begin taking a drug called Tamoxifen, it's one pill a day. The way in which Tamoxifen works is this (quoted from http://www.cancerbackup.org.uk/ - Don't want to plagiarize!):

Most breast cancers need supplies of the female hormone oestrogen to grow. Cancer cells have proteins called receptors on their surface that the sex hormones attach to. Cancers with oestrogen-receptors on the surface of their cells are called 'oestrogen-receptor-positive' (ER-positive) and tamoxifen is most effective against these cancers.

Under normal circumstances, when oestrogen comes into contact with the receptors, it fits into them and activates the cancer cells to divide so that the tumor grows.

Tamoxifen imitates the action of oestrogen and fits into the receptor but does not activate the cells to divide. The tamoxifen stays in place and stops oestrogen from reaching the cancer cells so that they either grow more slowly or stop growing altogether.

I will continue taking Tamoxifen until it stops working. Side effects include menopausal symptoms, hot flashes, night sweats, etc. So watch out! I'm going to be one hot, sweaty, biotch with an attitude! :) People at work better get their SOPs* reviewed! Or else...

I will have an increased risk of developing blood clots, so I was told that if I notice any swelling in my feet, I need to hot-trot it down to the nearest emergency room, because that's not something I want to mess around with. Guess I will just have to walk around the office a lot more and not sit at my desk all day.

It takes Tamoxifen about a few months to get really going, it needs to build up in my system. When it's been about 3 months, Dr. Silver will start measuring the tumor in my left breast and start to take images from time to time. I asked him what happens, if at 3 months, we see no change? He said he would be very happy with that. He told me that if he could freeze time until I'm 85, he would be ecstatic. But, if it gets bigger, then we will have to attack it more aggressively. He's very positive that I will respond well to this.

I have a follow-up appointment with Dr. Silver in one month to see how I'm reacting to the medicine.


*SOPs: Standard Operating Procedures - it is basically the "how-to" on doing tests in the lab. A recipe book, if you will. Because, after all, it's all about food! :D

Comment Moderation

As much as I love being international, I have decided that I will now be moderating comments left on my blog. I got this comment (you can try to read it) in Brazilian, something about customized T-shirts. Great. Just what I want. I'll buy a T-shirt that says "Look at me, I have breast cancer!" or "I have cancer and all I got was this T-shirt!"

I don't want to have to do this, I get great pleasure in going to my blog and being surprised at the comments. I can't figure out how to delete his comment.

Anyways, I will see how this works. If I don't like it, I'll revisit.


UPDATE: I figured out how to delete unwanted comments, so I am going to remove the comment moderation. I knew there had to be a way...